I’m Sorry, Soooooo Sorry

First, let me apologize to all you readers. After looking at some of my most popular search terms, I realized…

1. I’m not writing about what you want to read.
2. I’m not answering your questions.

I am so sorry for my blogger shortcomings. My blog is just barely over a year old (my 1-year anniversary was Friday). I’m still learning.

What You Want to Read More Of

• Zombie cupcakes—Genius. I’ll look for a recipe.
• Reverse psychology on men—I’ll read another Mars and Venus book.
• Fruits that can enlarge a penis—Bananas. Duh.
• Pop-Tarts ice cream—I think I love you. Reveal yourself.

Questions Answered

• Does Ben and Jerry’s Mud Pie ice cream have mud in it? You’re an idiot.
• Can Edy’s fruit bars be eaten before colonoscopies? Dude, the less you eat the better.
• Does Barney from HIMYM have a boyfriend? I feel responsible for this confusion. In the early blogging days, I blogged about Barney quite a bit. Anyways, Barney is not real. Sorry for the confusion. Also…You’re an idiot.

Quick and Handy Navigation

• I think I lost my sanity.—You won’t find it here.
• I luv to piss my knickers.—May I recommend this? People still say “knickers?”
• I love wet socks.—BOLD-FACED LIE! Nobody loves wet socks. Nobody.
• Pick up line: You’re yummy.—May I recommend singling out the arms?
• Boob closeup and Bombastic Boobies—Right here: Zombie boob.

Pity Party for One, Please

I don’t know if it was lack of sleep, PMS (TMI?), sugar overload followed by sugar withdraw, or just plain crankiness, but the weekend was rough. Yes, I had fun, but I also cried on and off all weekend.

I don’t remember why I was upset Sunday. Must have been very important. Obviously.

Saturday Kiefer said something to me that I thought showed his complete and utter fear of committment.

It’s not like I don’t know Kiefer is the biggest committment-phobe ever in the entire planet galaxy universe. So I don’t understand why I get so upset when there’s an incident. Especially lately when there’s been a lack of incidents and he’s been making some great relationship strides.

But still…I get upset.

And I am excellent at hiding my tears. It’s an art I have perfected. I find that burying my head into Kiefer’s shoulder, pursing the lips shut, and concentrating on breathing through the nose keeps the tears to a manageable minimum.

Then to top it all off, I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself. How very Men Are From Mars of me. (Oh my god, I retreat to the cave. Or am I doing one of the Fs?)

Talking about what’s bothering me at the moment that it’s bothering me leads to several things happening:

• Incessant crying that makes intelligible speech impossible.
• Incessant crying leads to snot. Ewww.
• Entirely too emotional. Things that wouldn’t normally upset me begin to upset me because I’m already upset.
• Vengeful comments. I get hateful. I’m upset so I’m going to make you upset, too. So productive.
• Switching issues. I’m going to bring up everything that’s been upsetting me over the last year: “And then you gave me the smaller half of the cookie! Which proves you are a poo-head!”
• No closure. Because I’m busy switching topics, I don’t get closure on the original issue that upset me. Which leads me to bring it up the next day. And the day after that.

I brought it up to Kiefer the other night. We talked. I explained that the comment made me feel like he was distancing himself from me. He explained that’s the last thing I have to worry about. Phew.

So I worried for a few days about something I didn’t really need to worry about. Nice. Way to go, me.

Communication, shmunication.

Maybe next time I’ll bring it up right away (despite the snot flood).

Sweet Potato Queens Unite

You miss the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus series, don’t you? Me, too.

That’s why I’m reading another book.

This time I’m not summarizing each chapter because I found myself taking notes like crazy instead of enjoying my reading time. So I’ll be posting about the next book sporadically.

Everything you need to know about the Sweet Potato Queens can be found at their web site. But I’ll give you some background.

1. The first Sweet Potato Queens were in a parade in 1982 in Jackson, Mississippi.
2. The Queens have huge boobs (padded), huge butts (also padded), and big red hair (wigs), and they wear green sequined dresses, tiaras, and pink gloves. Come on, everybody loves a tiara.
3. There are Sweet Potato Queen Chapters all over the United States that you can join.
4. Men, I’m sorry, but these posts are more for the ladies.

Why read this book?

1. Because it’s funny.
2. Because she’s going to reveal the secret to love.
3. Because although I’m only a couple chapters in, it seems that the Queens…all known as “Tammy”…are the Every Woman.
4. And because there’s a parade in March…and parades have candy.

Knowledge Is Power: How to Use Mars and Venus

And knowing is half the battle…GI JOE! (Hugging is the other half of the battle.)

I learned a lot from reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.* While I was reading, I found myself thinking the following:

• Well, duh!
• So that’s why Kiefer does that.
• Stupid cave…I hate you and your cave-li-ness.
• Stupid rubberband…I hate you and your stretchiness.
• Oh…I should stop doing that…Oops.

But the most stressful thought was, “How am I going to remember all of this?”  Through practice!

Successful Implementation

Remember when Kiefer gave my cell number to Crazy Eyes? She took advantage of Kiefer being gone so I would take the boys because “She was tired of them and needed a break” (quote from Boo and Radley).

Manipulative <insert bad word of your choice here>.

Once I talked to Kiefer about it, the first words out of my mouth were “I know this isn’t your fault.” Just like Chapter 5 said.

Successful Implementation

Remember the stupid Minnesota Twins fan? Kiefer drove the boys and I to Baltimore for the game. I thanked him for driving. Just like Chapter 10 said.

Implementation: Fail!

I totally screwed up the advice in Chapter 4.

Me: So, uh, Kiefer, I’m reading that Mars and Venus book, and in it was this couple where the man wouldn’t commit to his girlfriend.

Kiefer: ::big grin::

Me: So the book says that the woman tells the man that she’ll love him and be with him no matter what. The next day he proposed. Will that work with you? (Yes, I totally outted myself.)

Kiefer: I don’t know. Try it and find out.

Me: Pshhh…whatever.

* I thought about trying to get away with not blogging about Chapters 12 and 13, but I’m bad at keeping secrets. I returned the book to the library already, and I can’t find my notes. Oh well, I bet they just say that men should listen more…like every other chapter in the book.

Chapter 11: The New Love Letter

We’re almost done with the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus blog series.

In this chapter, the author suggests writing what he calls a “love letter” to your partner when you are upset. Here are the sections you should include (in this order):

1. Anger
2. Sad
3. Fear
4. Regret
5. Love

I think we should call this something besides a “love letter.” If I’m getting a “love letter,” it better only be full of loving words.

Let’s call this letter the You-Screwed-Up-And-Made-Me-Sad-But-I-Guess-I-Still-Love-You letter. What? Too long?

If your significant other gives you a YSUAMMSBIGISLY letter, recognize not only how hard it was for your significant other to write, but also that writing makes him or her extra vulnerable so be nice.

Writing takes a long time. If your significant took the time to write you a YSUAMMBIGISLY letter, you probably did something seriously upsetting or hurtful. Maybe write them a real love letter in return.

Lessons Learned

Men, remember that women are vulnerable, sensitive, and delicate creatures. Watch your tone. Like deer, we frighten easily.

Men and Women, speak in a trusting tone. Try not to sound critical or resentful.

Try writing a YSUAMMBIGISLY letter to organize your thoughts.

YSUAMMBIGISLY…it’s catching on already. I can feel it. Let’s not forget the BGLADS acronym while you’re out there dazzling others with your knowledge.