You’ve Got to Bat Your Eyes…Like This

Growing up, I was a total tomboy. I couldn’t tell you exactly when I became girly, but I suspect it was around prom…because the dresses were pretty.

For a girl, I’m pretty low maintenance. I usually wear eye makeup, but I only use foundation on special occasions. Makeup takes time, and I have no patience. Plus, I never really figured out how to use blush correctly.

When I first heard about eyelash extensions, I thought:

Perfect! Now I won’t have to use mascara. Woo-hoo for 3.14 extra minutes of sleep! Sweet!

Extensions normally cost between $150-200. So I cheaped out, and let my nail salon do them for $60. They fell off the next day.

When I saw that a real salon had an eyelash extension special for $50, I tried one more time.

Now if I can just get rid of the nasty red vein in my eye….

The picture was taken 2 weeks after my appointment…which means some fell out. You can imagine how awesome they looked when I first got them.

Apparently, I have more eyelashes than the average person, so it took almost 3 hours to put on a full set of lashes (because they put them on one-by-one).

As the technician handed me a mirror, she said, “They’ll be even more dramatic if you put mascara on!”

I could see spiders my lashes in the mirror across the room. No mascara needed.

Now I’m used to them, and I love them. But when I first saw them, I was shocked into girly overload…hence this text conversation:

Me: OMG…These eyelashes make me look like a hooker!

Friend: And you’re worth every penny.

 Kudos to the person who guesses what movie the post title is from.

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I’ll Be Standing on the Corner

Right before I moved in with Kiefer a couple weeks ago, we had this conversation:

Thoughtsy: So I feel like I should pay you something once I move in with you.

Kiefer: (::jokingly::) You should pay $1,000!

Thoughtsy: What? No! That’s more than I pay now. Plus I’ll spend more on food living here because your kids will eat all my food.

Kiefer: They definitely won’t eat your food. All you eat is broccoli, salads, and fruit.

Thoughtsy: Not that stuff. I mean the Pop-Tarts and ice cream. And the sugary cereal. Radley and I already have a breakfast date with the Double Chocolate Krave cereal.

Kiefer: You do have better cereal.

Thoughtsy: Plus you three are messy. So I’ll constantly be cleaning.

Kiefer: How about you stay here for free if you give me all the sex I want?

Thoughtsy: Um…no.

Kiefer: So $1,000 minus a $600 cleaning fee and a $300 food fee. And then $100 sex fee.

Thoughtsy: You just turned me into a prostitute. And a cheap one. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I’m a Cowboy-Alien, On a Steel Horse-UFO I Ride

Dear Aliens,

Please stop stealing people from Earth. Here we call that “kidnapping,” and it’s illegal. In fact, pretty much everything you do is illegal. Not to mention just plain mean.

When you visit, here’s a list of activities to refrain from:

• Squishing corn with your transportation.
• Poking (Bad touch! Bad touch!), proding, and probing (::shudder::).
• Stealing/borrowing people.
• Throwing people around/sucking them up with your beams of light.

To do some research on you, I watched Cowboys and Aliens, and I learned that you want our gold.

So the bad economy is affecting you, too, huh? Times are tough, but you can’t go around stealing gold. It’s illegal.

I'm a cowboy...on a steel horse I ride.

 Maybe instead of doing research on human bodies, you should read my Movies Teach Us posts or watch some movies.

I think you could learn a lot from our movies. For example, you’d learn that shake hands when we meet someone, not shove a needle in their eye like you did to that guy in Fire in the Sky. 

Maybe you could stop sneaking around in the middle of the night (It’s scaring me the children.) and just introduce yourselves. Maybe sing some Bon Jovi karaoke with Blarney.

Sincerely,

Thoughtsy

PS: Please don’t introduce yourself to me. Your ugly mug would scare the bejeezus outta me. Introduce yourself to someone like the President. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Zombies Stole $111 Million from Aliens

Mars Needs Moms lost $111 million. After Todd* dangled that fact in front of me, I had to watch the movie to see how awful it was.

Except…it wasn’t that awful.

Let me give you highlights from the first 10 minutes:

• The cat’s name is Cujo. Awesome.
  

  Don't feed your cat broccoli.

• Kid doesn’t want to eat broccoli. Typical. The mom should add cheese.
• Mom says if kid eats broccoli, she’ll let him watch Zombie Dawn 3. Even better than cheese.
• Mom says, “Zombies like brains, and broccoli looks like brains.” Best. Mom. Ever.
• Kid says, “Mom, nobody likes zombies. I’m committed to their annihilation.” This line single-handedly lost the movie $111 million.

Mystery solved. Case closed. Take this movie’s loss off next week’s episode of Unsolved Mysteries. (I miss that show. Sigh….)

Obviously, zombies aren’t as brainless as we think. They’re intelligent, and they took their wrath out on this movie.

Because I’m deathly afraid of aliens and their probes, I kept watching, hoping to learn how to survive an alien abduction.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• Old aliens look like a taller, meaner version of ET.
• Alien to English dubbing isn’t as funny as Japanese to English dubbing.
• Aliens like moms who make their children take out the trash, not buy their children ice cream.
• If you’re going to shoot a laser at someone, bring them a change of underwear.
• Male aliens are useless. All they do is hug and dance.

But the most important lesson is that being a mom is a tough job. That’s why aliens outsource it.

*I use Todd as a reference everyday. He does his leg work. This one time…at band camp when I was writing a research paper…the teacher actually said, “Wikipedia is not an acceptable source, but Todd Pack is.”**

**True story.

Pay Your Own Way

Call me “old-fashioned,” but I like it when my boyfriend…

• Pays for my dinner.
• Washes my car.
• Fixes stuff around the house.
• Feeds me grapes while I lounge on the couch watching House or Supernatural. 

Maybe I got a little carried away with that last one, but I like being taken care of sometimes. Not that I can’t take care of myself. I can.

For example, I’m perfectly capable of opening a box of Pop-Tarts. Bottles of water, however, continue to confound me. I can never get them open without tearing up my hand.

Anyways, I know it’s a two-way street. Here’s what I will do for you…

• Pay for your dinner sometimes.
• Help you wash your dishes.
• Fix your tie when it’s crooked.
• Help fold laundry (except the socks).
• Bring you a bowl of ice cream…with only a bite or two missing.

You know what I will not do? Pay your living expenses.

Lately, I’ve heard about some unmarried female friends, coworkers, and acquaintenances who pay for their boyfriend…and I don’t mean picking up the dinner check.

• One gal’s boyfriend lives with her rent- and utility-payment-free.
• Another friend was paying her boyfriend’s half of the rent (plus her half), taking care of his kids, as well as his child support while he was unemployed. Wait, not totally unemployed. I think he was pushing dope.
• Someone else covered her boyfriend’s rent while he was unemployed.
• A coworker recently said her live-in boyfriend is buying them new furniture. She said that’s the least he could do since she pays the mortgage. To that I say, “Are you getting new furniture every month?”

And this goes on for months. M-o-n-t-h-s.

I know the economy sucks. I know the unemployment rate is up. I know that by writing this post I’ve now jinxed myself and will probably lose my job and have to find a Sugar Daddy.

Except…I won’t. Because I’m a big girl (pull-ups and everything). I can take care of myself.

Ladies, if you have money to throw around, please feel free to send it my way.