Santa Put Me on the Nice List This Year

I just wanted to show off a few of my favorite Christmas gifts.

Exhibit A: Giant Candy Bar*

*I don’t have a picture of this.

• Maybe it’s because I keep forgetting to take one and I don’t want to wait any longer on this post.
• Maybe it’s because I hid it from my stepsons, and now I can’t remember where I put it.
• Maybe it’s because I already ate it.
  

The world may never know.

Because every pregnant woman needs a candy bar the length of her arm. This prevents her from actually eating her arm…or someone else’s arm.

Exhibit B: Branded Pillow

My friend Princess made this for me. Awwww….

Exhibit C: Zombie Baby T-Shirt

Because we all know how much I love zombie babies. Thank you, Misty!

What were some of your favorite Christmas gifts that you gave or received?

Favorite Comments From Last Post:

• “Either pickle juice you try, I relish the idea.”—BluzDude
• “With a comment like that, I feel as though you may just be jerkin her gherkin.”—AbsentElemental

Valentine’s Day: It’s Not Just For Couples

My friend Blarney is in a long distance relationship. And if you’ve ever done long distance, you know how frustrating it can be.

Especially when you’ve had a bad day and need a shoulder to lean on. Especially when you’ve had a good day and want to share it with someone.

Especially on Valentine’s Day when red and pink hearts and cute couples doing coupley things are everywhere.

To remind Blarney that even though she’s alone on Valentine’s Day and even though she can’t be with the one she loves…she is still loved, I got her a Valentine’s Day flower. (And I got another friend a chocolate boyfriend.)

I swear I’m not high when I say this, but…Spread the love, people.

Here. I got you a flower, too.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Hope you’re getting your Cirque du Soleil application in order.”—Chase McFadden

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall…

I am obsessed with fairytales. The Disney ones and the Grimm ones. I don’t discriminate.

With fairytales, there are always pros and cons. Sure, Cinderella got the Prince, but she had to sleep in the ashes for a few years first. It’s really an underdog story.

I know some people think fairytales show submissive women. But these stories really show how hard women work. The only way Snow White and Sleeping Beauty got some sleep was when a spell forced them to. The men stopped taking the women for granted when they got stuck doing all the work.

Napoleon, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, and…Chuck.

So here are the pros of fairytale land in Mirror, Mirror:

• Back in the day, nobody had jobs. They just sang and danced all day.
• Before lipstick, they used strawberries. Colorful and tasty. Win, win.

Here are the cons:

• Spas used worms for moisturizing, bees for botox, and bird poo masks and scrubs.
• Don’t say, “You throw like a girl.” You’ll get kicked by a horse.
• It’s easy to mix up love potion with a puppy love potion. Then you’re stuck playing fetch every second of the rest of your life.

There is also one neutral, depending on your…tastes:

• Princes spank princesses with swords.

This is a safe place. No one will judge you if you move that up to the pro list.

It’s Raining Men!

Because Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello were in the movie Kiefer had a guys’ poker night, Blarney, Princess, and I went to see Magic Mike.

Having never been to a strip club, I decided to live vicariously through the movie.

Star-spangled tophats are not standard issue.

• Stripping isn’t just taking your clothes off. There’s choreography, too.
• What is that in the corner of the screen? Why, yes, it is a penis pump. With a penis in it.
• Strippers might need a thong with an elephant trunk.
• Sometimes guys pretend their penis is a machine gun.
• Drugs are expensive.
• To make women scream, throw a prop between your legs.

The most important lesson I learned is never go to a strip club in real life because Channing Tatum won’t be there…and that will be sad.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Adorable—she looks like a bed troll!”—Cestlavie22

Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Remember that commercial that asked “How do you eat your Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup?” I ask a better question…

Where do you eat your Reese’s?

Princess and I went to Washington, DC, to find the perfect place to eat a Reese’s Cup.

First stop…the Washington Monument.

Little did I know “The Reeses” (I named him.) is afraid of heights. So we headed over to the Natural History Museum.

I was about to bite into The Reeses, but the little cup said his last dying wish was to see the dinosaurs. So we went inside.

Velociraptors are allergic to chocolate. That's how this guy died.

This dinosaur totally tried to swipe the Reeses…and so did this guy.

Leggo my Reese's, Neanderthal!

After that close call, The Reeses tried to run away. But he’s not very good at blending in.

After all that walking, I had quite an appetite, so The Reeses and I had to part ways in front of the Capitol Building. I miss that little guy already.

On this historic day, 19 of your favorite humor bloggers are staging a WordPress coup. We have banded together to address the important topic of Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

Yes, you read that right. We are all presenting the same topic, each from his or her particularly unique perspective. Check out the other blogs participating!

• The Big Sheep Blog
• Childhood Relived
• Go Guilty Pleasures
• Fifty Four and A Half
• Fix It Or Deal
• Play 101
• k8edid
• Lenore’s Thoughts Exactly
• Life In The Boomer Lane
• Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings
• Refrigerator Magnate
• Running From Hell With El
• She’s A Maineiac
• The Byronic Man
• The Good Greatsby
• The Monster In Your Closet
• The Ramblings
• Unlikely Explanations