This Halloween Stay Away From Gingerbread Houses

When Kiefer first suggested we watch Hansel and Gretel Get Baked on Netflix Instant Viewing, I was stoked. The title was a pun! Puns equal greatness….sometimes.

Normally, stoner movies are not my thing, but this movie was actually funny. Plus, Cary Elwes is in it…in disguise.

Here’s what I learned:

• I don’t do drugs, but even I would be tempted by a chocolatey one called “Black Forest.”
• Hansel and Gretel’s parents often go on weekend getaways with the Stiltskins.
• If an old lady tells you not to eat her gingerbread house, don’t eat her gingerbread house. If you do, she will eat you.

Resist! Resist!

• Any little old lady from Pasadena that deals drugs is a witch.
• Don’t leave Skittles behind as markers to find your way. Someone (a stoner) will eat them, and you will get lost.

Most importantly, I learned not to do drugs. Ever. Unless you want to be eaten by a witch and turned into a zombie.

It’s Christmas in July

One of the perks of living with Kiefer is cable TV. I get by on my Netflix alone. And while Kiefer is traveling for work, I can watch whatever I want with no judgment.

The other Saturday morning I flipped on the TV, and…nothing was on.

Except lots and lots of Christmas movies.

I panicked. How long had I been asleep? Had I turned into Rip Van Winkle?

Then it hit me: It was Christmas in July. So I opted to watch Home Alone since Kiefer was gone, and I myself was home alone. What if some burglars tried to break in? I needed to be prepared.

Here’s what I learned:

• Aftershave burns. But keep putting it on your face anyways.
• “Pump your guts full of lead” means shooting you.
• The proper way to count is 1…2…10.
• The best defense involves paint cans on ropes. And blow torches.
• The worst defense involves feathers because it just pisses them off.

Ultimately, I learned that burglars are pretty stupid, so I’ll probably be fine.

Your Queue Has Been Reordered

Dear Everyone Else in the Entire World Other Netflix Subscribers,

I need your help. It’s nearly Halloween, and I just started my annual Halloween movie marathon.

Oops…. My bad.

Last year I watched the Scream series, the year before was Friday the 13th (which was insane because there were 12 movies), and the year before it was Halloween.

This year I’m watching Final Destination. That’s 5 movies. I think I can watch 5 movies in the two remaining weeks. Except I’m traveling for 7 of those days.

Craaaaaaaap.

So no one else should rent those movies from Netflix. I can’t have “Short Wait,” “Long Wait,” or “Very Long Wait” popping up in my queue.

Seriously. Whoever has Final Destination 3…send it back ASAP. Did you put it in the mail? You did? Thanks! There’s a red envelope with a shiny (ooooo, shiny!) foil Pop-Tart package coming your way.

Just in case that’s not enough, here’s a quick Movies Teach Us post about the first Final Destination:

• Never rip an old flight ticket off your luggage.
• The Candyman also works as a mortician. (::shudder::)
• Never go to Paris.

Sincerely,

Thoughtsy

Look Into the Eyes of the Chupacabra

One of the best things about living with Kiefer, Boo, and Radley is that I no longer need an excuse to watch cartoons.

Netflix, feel free to send me Strawberry Shortcake Disney and Pixar films. No one will judge me.

Please don’t judge me. I’m no chupacabra.

The other day we watched Puss in Boots, and here’s what I learned:

• Tuesday night is Dance Fight Night.
• “Don’t talk about Bean Club” is Rule #1. And Rule #2.
• There is a dance called “the Litter Box,” and another dance that resembles a dog scoot.
• Beans really are magical. And not just in the Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you—kinda way.
• Don’t declaw your cat. Unless you want it to grow up to become a thief.
• Behind every golden-egg-laying chick is a pissed off mother goose.

Most importantly, I learned that if someone offers to show you his Golden Eggs tattoo and begins unbuckling his pants, look away. Look. Away.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Bra as a hat…hmm, then I have a chapeau for every occasion! Lacy, soft cup ‘hat’ for lazy days when I just don’t feel like doing my hair. Extra padded for when I need the protection of a helmet or it’s extra cold outside. Red for the holidays. Striped for when I want to stand out in the crowd. Hot pink for sassy days. Blue and white for cheering on my college team. Strapless for when I don’t need ‘full’ head coverage, like a visor. And etc, etc….”—ifUseekAmy

My Cat Loves Cake More Than Me

That title is a lie. Nobody loves cake more than me. Nobody.

You know what cake makes me think of? TV.

I know that doesn’t make sense right now, but just go with it. Trust me.

I like to have the TV on while…

• I’m folding laundry.
• I’m practicing my pushups or doing the 100 work-out.
• I should be practicing my sign language.
• I’m baking.
• I’m trying to fall asleep….

I like background noise sometimes. The keyword there is background. I’m a pretty quiet person, and sometimes people who talk a lot annoy me.

Anyways…currently, I’m watching Cake Boss on Netflix. (Now you see the cake TV connection, don’t you?) My reasons for liking this show should be obvious, but in case you’re new here: I have a dessert addiction. (There. I admitted it. Step 1 complete!)

And now…Esme has a dessert addiction. Or she really likes Buddy the Baker.

Excuse me, sir. May I please have some cake?

Must have cake....

No claws on the screen, Esme.