What Do Hot Dogs, Cheese, Alcohol, and Kitty Litter Have in Common?

…when you’re pregnant, you can’t eat any of them.

At first, it was tricky to keep the pregnancy a secret. Because when you’re pregnant, you can’t do some stuff. And it’s hard to explain to people why you can’t or why you’re asking dumb questions.

If you’re still in that secretive first trimester, here are a few questions and excuses I came up with:

• Do these hot dogs have nitrates in them? I can’t mix nitrates with my viagra.
• Is this cheese pasteurized? Cows eat off the ground, and they don’t use the 5-second rule.
• Is there alcohol in this daiquiri? I’m revirginizing myself in every sense of the word.
• Can you empty the litter box for me? I hurt my wrist, and it hurts to scoop.

The most difficult one was when people offered me a drink. Two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, Kiefer and I went out to a friend’s birthday party, where I was repeatedly offered sips of yummy drinks.

So what did I do?

I’m too nice to pull this off.

I can’t pull off “This is for my homies” either.

That’s when I reinstituted “the fake sip.”

I practiced the fake sip during college drinking games. To avoid getting too drunk, I’d bring the cup to my mouth and only pretend to drink. Usually frat boys are too drunk to notice your drink is still full.

After fake sipping someone’s drink, you have to be sure to make a face and say you don’t like it, so they don’t order you your own.

If someone does order you a drink, just give it to your significant other.

Drunk significant others are hilarious.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I like that you aren’t concerned with gender stereotypes. That little boy will be comfortable with his manhood right from the start! Congrats!”—MistysLaws

Adults Like Pop-Tarts, Too

Before I went to BlogHer last year, I asked Kellogg’s if they would send me some promotional Pop-Tart stuff to hand out.

This was their response (exagerrated paraphrased):

We’re glad you are addicted to, errrr, love Pop-Tarts. Unfortunately, we can’t just go around sending free Pop-Tarts to anyone who asks for them.

Excuse me? Don’t you know who I am? I’m not just anyone: I’m your unofficial spokesperson.

Sure, if you Google “Pop-Tarts” and go to “Images, ” my blog doesn’t come up until page 10, but if you Google “Pop-Tart vodka,” I’m on page 1 and every other page. In fact, almost half of those pictures are from my blog.

• An early picture of my vodka collection (It has since then doubled.)
• Pop-Tarts from the Hipster
• Mini vodka bottles
• The Dude-flavored vodka
• Me blowing out the candle on the birthday cupcake from Misty
• Me eating Misty’s homemade maple-bacon Pop-Tart
• A picture of me and Jules.

And so many other pictures of random vodka flavors and random Pop-Tart flavors, always lamenting for Pop-Tart vodka.

I realize a lot of them are vodka-related, and that isn’t real marketable to a younger audience, but adults like Pop-Tarts, too.

That’s my new slogan: Adults Like Pop-Tarts, Too.

Would adding “Boo-Ya!” at the end be too much?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Dear Mom, It’s my job and I’m doing it Like a Boss. Love, Your Little Pup-Tart. PS – Sleep is overrated. You’ll want to put that on a sleep shirt. PPS – That’s called irony & I’m already a genius.”—NanaBread

 

I Have a Dream

Every night I have the same dream. I dream of a world full of my favorite desserts. A world where…

• Cookies and cream ice cream flows freely,
• Smores marshmallows are golden brown,
• Carrot cake is considered a vegetable,
• Every day is Halloween,
• Pop-Tarts grow on trees,
• Cupcakes fall from the sky with tiny parachutes,
• Key lime pie sprouts from the ground, and
• It rains fun-flavored martinis.

Today I woke up and thought my dream was about to come true when I saw this:

Pop-Tart vodka? With sprinkles inside? If that is possible, anything is possible!

Then I saw it wasn’t real.

Some things just aren’t funny.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: The Hipster and Misty’s exchange starting here.

That Time I Passed Out in the Airplane Lavatory

If you were me, this is how your last flight would have gone….

3:30 AM: Wake up.

3:31 AM: Snooze.

3:40 AM: Curse yourself for choosing a 7 AM flight.

4:30 AM: Pat yourself on the back for not forgetting anything.

5:30 AM: Arrive at airport. Realize you forgot your pillow for the 5+ hour flight.

6:30 AM: Meet up with other coworkers. One gives you flavored vodka.

My coworker thinks I’m an alcoholic….

7:00 AM: Plane takes off. Fall asleep.

7:45 AM: Wake up feeling nauseous despite the dramamine.

7:46 AM: Try to wait it out.

7:47 AM: Contemplate if it’s better to puke in the bag or climb over 2 people to go to the bathroom.

7:48 AM: Envision enough puke to overflow the bag and decide on the bathroom.

7:49 AM: Faint in bathroom.

The bathroom I was in was approximately 1/100th of this size.

?:??: Wake up on bathroom floor and wonder how long you were out.

?:??: Check yourself for puke. There is none.

?:??: Wait to see if you’re going to puke.

?:??: Embarrassed that people will think you fell in (or are going #2), return to your seat.

7:55 AM: Tell your coworker you fainted. Remember the flavored vodka he gave you.

7:57: AM: Curse your doctor for prescribing an antibiotic you can’t drink with.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Whaaaattt? Never eat pie? Is this even Thoughtsy? No. Can’t be. It’s definitely a pod person!”—And Today Folks

The Dude Abides…in Vodka

What the heck is this?

The Dude. From The Big Lebowski. I wonder what it tastes like. Old, unwashed bathrobe perhaps?

It’s official. You can now get vodka in any flavor. Any day now I’ll see Pop-Tart flavored vodka on the shelves. Except they’ll probably have to call it “Toaster Pastry.”

I wonder if I can get Channing Tatum flavored vodka. Hmmmm….

Remember my ridiculous and ever-growing vodka collection?  Since then, I’ve added Smores, Caramel, Icing, and Whipped Key Lime.

I’m still waivering on whether or not to buy the Peanut Butter and Jelly flavor. (It’s raspberry jelly. I know you were wondering.)

But there’s one flavor I know I will not be buying…

What flavor would you like to see? Or not see?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I keep telling my wife that’s why I’ve never bought new underwear our entire marriage. I don’t want her to worry.”—The Good Greatsby

“I better inspect my boyfriend’s underwear and hope that he’s been wearing the same ones since we started dating.”—Ginny