Tea Party or Plan to Take Over the World?

About a month ago, Scout started rice cereal. The other day while I was mixing it up, someone stole my seat.

“Move your meat, lose your seat.”

I have no idea what they were talking about, but I’m pretty sure it can’t be good. Esme Kitty is…well…evil a bad influence.

I hope Esme wasn’t trying to corrupt Scout’s innocent little mind.

What do you think Esme told Scout?

• A. Throw me all of your food, ok? Forget about the dog.
• B. If you promise not to grab my tail, I promise not to scratch you. Maybe.
• C. We’re the smallest people in this house, we have to stick together.
• D. It’s fun to trip Mommy. Don’t worry, she likes it. She also likes it when we attack her ankles.
• E. Other

Note: Starting Monday, thoughtsappear.com changes back to thoughtsappear.wordpress.com.

Where’s the Kitty?

Ozzy Pups and Esme Kitty like to play hide and seek.

Only…they’re not very good at it.

Ozzy likes to look in all the logical places Esme might be: like her cat carrier.

Or maybe he’s trying to hide here. I’m not really clear who is hiding and who is seeking.

Esme, on the other hand, prefers to try to squeeze into places she can’t fit.

“If you had less clothes, I would totally fit in here.”

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Luckily our dog that chases things is terribly inept at it and wouldn’t know what to do if he caught anything. The other likes to only eat already dead things. We’re so lucky and blessed!”—The Cannibalistic Nerd

This Is How My Dog Learned to Eat Shoes

Remember back at the beginning of pregnancy when I complained about constantly having to buy bigger bras?

Yeaaaaaah…I had to do that again. But that’s not what this post is about.

The last couple weeks of pregnancy those troubles traveled south. Way south…to my feet.

As in my feet were swollen, not that my boobs were so huge that they touched the floor.

One day I walked around the office in little black bootie/ballet socks and praying that no one would realize I wasn’t wearing shoes. After that, I stole Kiefer’s PF Flyers and wore those to work. Since they’re all black, no one noticed I was wearing sneakers.

My ankles were nearly nonexistent, and every pair of shoes I owned (including the new bigger and wider ones I just bought) were pinching my feet.

I cursed myself for giving Ozzy the most recent shoe box so I couldn’t return the new shoes.

Everyone always posts pictures of cats and boxes, but no one posts about dogs and boxes. In case you were wondering what dogs do with boxes, let me put your mind at rest.

Step 1. Inspect the box for any strange odors.

Step 2. Determine if the box contained food…or is food.

Step 3. Taunt the cat with the new toy box.

Step 4. Determine if the box is indestructible.

Step 5. Destroy the box…but look cute while doing it.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “My life with a newborn was very similar. We put our daughter in the crib the first night and then told her how to work the TV remote and to help herself to anything in the fridge if she woke before us. We were very surprised when she was up….15 minutes later.”—The Waiting

Want a Pet? Go to IKEA

A month or so ago, Radley’s mom got him a cell phone.

Almost all of our text exchanges involve him sending me pictures. Pictures of desserts, cats, and dogs.

Over the weekend, Kiefer took Boo and Radley to IKEA. A couple hours later, Radley texted me a picture of a cat and said, “Named Phoebe.”

Apparently, IKEA sells cats now.

These cats come free with the shelves.

*IKEA does not sell cats. But IKEA is guaranteed to make your kids so grumpy that you’ll agree to swing by PetSmart on your way home just to put everyone in a better mood.

Thoughtsy: Awwww….

Radley: Dad said we should get her.

Apparently, IKEA will also make your cat-hating husband (who’s only just begun to love your current cat) think adopting another cat is a good idea.

Thoughtsy: I don’t believe you.

Radley: He did. She doesn’t mind dogs and would love another cat around.

Thoughtsy: I’m not sure Esme Kitty would feel the same way.

When Kiefer and my stepsons arrived home, Radley came in first and said, “Wait here. They’re bringing you a surprise.”

Surely IKEA wasn’t bad enough to make Kiefer forget that he’s allergic to cats, that he only recently built up a tolerance to Esme, that the boys barely take care of Ozzy and Esme as it is, and that…oh right…we have a baby arriving in 2.5 weeks!

Boo: We picked you up some orange slices.

Thoughtsy: Thanks! No cat?

Kiefer: No cat.

So, no, IKEA isn’t that bad. But Kiefer also didn’t actually buy anything that needed assembly. If so, we might have ended up with another cat…or two.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Laying down with your feet up….isn’t that maybe how you got yourself into the pregnancy predicament to begin with?”—SandyLand

I Got a Black Eye…From My Cat

The other morning Ozzy and I got up while it was still dark outside. Actually…it’s always dark when Ozzy and I get up.

I opened the door to let Ozzy outside. Instead of his usual mad dash for squirrels, he took one step and then froze (not literally) in the doorway.

Open the door! The squirrels are getting away!

He looked at me, and I swear he said, “I don’t have to pee that bad. I can hold it.”

Esme Kitty saw his hesitation as her chance, and she dashed out while meow-yelling, “YOU CAN NEVER TAKE…MY FREEDOM!”

I let go of the door and reached down to grab Esme. Unfortunately, that lined up my eye with the door handle. SMACK!

The next 5 seconds went like this:

Thoughtsy: Power through the pain! Must…get…black cat…before the darkness swallows her up whole.

Ozzy Pups: THE CAT IS ESCAPING! ::he starts to chase Esme::

Thoughtsy: Screw the cat. She has fur for a reason. Ozzy will herd her home anyways.

Ozzy Pups: ::after 5 steps::  Screw the cat. It’s even too cold for chasing.

Thoughtsy: I will never forgive myself if Esme turns into a catsicle. ::walks outside::

Esme: Freedom is cold. So very cold.

And that’s when Esme ran back to the door and started pawing at it to be let in. Ozzy followed.

Esme: This coat is now mine. Get another.

Once back inside, my adrenaline rush was over. My head raced:

• I’m gonna have a black eye.
• Do I put steak on it or frozen peas?
• What if I have a concussion? I shouldn’t go to sleep.
• WHAT IF I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN EYE ANYMORE?!?!?!

The good news is I still have a fully functioning eye. The bad news is it looks like I’ve applied blue and purple eyeshadow to only one eye. I can’t wait it turns green.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Ok, I’ll admit it…..I took the baby out for key lime pie martinis. What? I’ve been waiting for you FOREVER. At least somebody in your family still knows how to have some fun!”—Misty’s Laws