Damn You, Tom Brady….

I stay home with Scout. I get up at 4 AM, so I can work before she wakes up. During her naps, I do more work. At 4 PM, Scout goes to the child care center in our gym, and I hop on an elliptical and watch Ellen.

For those of you mathematically challenged, that’s 12 hours until I get a break.

Today I was especially excited to watch Ellen because Johnny Depp was a guest (::swoon::).

After mere minutes, a special news report interrupted my program. (Does saying “my program” make me sound old?)

My first thought? NOOOOOOOO! JOHNNY!

My second thought? Damn terrorists.

But it wasn’t terrorists. It was Tom Brady. Damn Tom Brady…talking about how he picks out his footballs. Insert your own joke about a man and his balls here and in the comments.

Seriously?

And although Tom Brady is pretty cute, let’s face it: he’s no Johnny Depp.

I saw this:

Instead of this:

Now I know why people hate the Patriots. Those freakin’ program interrupters….

Do You Put Ice on That?

I am a woman. That means I have…and I don’t have…. I’ll just let his kid explain it.

Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.

Which means I have no idea what to do for Boo and Radley when they get hurt…in that area.

The other evening we grilled. Kiefer went inside for drinks, and I kept Ozzy away from the grill. Boo, Radley, and Radley’s friend played baseball in the backyard…and became America’s Funniest Video contestants.

Boo pitched; Radley’s friend made contact with ball. And the ball…it made contact with Boo’s…well…you know.

Boo: Ow! ::collapses to the ground::

Thoughtsy: Uh…I’m just gonna go get your dad. ::runs inside:: Kiefer! Boo got hit by the baseball…in a not-good place.

After that, Boo was done with baseball for the evening. Instead, he just hung out on the couch.

Thoughtsy: Soooooo…do you want some ice for that?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I am using that line the next time I desperately need a break from the kids: ‘Oh, snap. The door is stuck. Guess you’ll have to just go play quietly in your room until daddy gets home. Pass my latest copy of People magazine under the door.'”—UndercoverL

Don’t Go in the Water

I’ve never really watched the Summer Olympics before, but this week I watched it while I was at the gym.

It’s a motivator really. One day they’ll add ellipticalling (one L or two?) to the Olympics, and I’ll bring home the gold for U.S.A. It’s really just a matter of time.

While I’m at the gym, usually water polo is on TV.

At first, I didn’t even realize what it was. From a distance, it looked like synchronized swimming, and I thought, “Wow. The U.S.A. is definitely not placing in this event.”

From http://www.facebook.com/Reuters

But after watching two games (one women’s and one men’s), I now consider myself an expert in water polo.

You can be an expert, too. Here’s what you need to know:

• Water polo is like hockey. Minus the puck, sticks, ice, and padding. Soooo…by “like,” I mean the only similarity is that it’s bloody.
• Water polo is dangerous. You could drown.
• In fact, it only appears that the object of the game is to put the ball in the net. The goal is actually to drown as many opposing team members as possible.
• Drown the opposing team by grabbing their swimsuits. If they don’t drown, you’ll at least gain some time while they readjust the swimsuit to cover their privates.
• Men wear Speedos to show off their abs and pecs because there’s less swimsuit for the opposing team to grab.

Don’t be surprised if you see me announce during the next water polo game….

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “That is the cutest form of Robert Pattinson I’ve seen to date.”—Nikki B

You’re Killing Me, Smalls!

Take me out to the ball game. Take me out with the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cotton candy….

Those are so the words to the song.

It’s that time of year: baseball season. When I used to work for a publisher at Camden Yards, I loved the smell of the hot dogs wafting in the window.

Because 12-year-old-me clamored for Mike Vitar I’m too lazy to drive to Camden Yards, I watched my favorite baseball movie instead. 

Here’s what I learned from The Sandlot.

I solemnly swear I am up to no good.

• The Great Bambino is a baseball player, not Bambi the deer.
• To a 6th grade boy, the worst insult ever is You play ball like a girl!
• Never chew tobacco and then get on a ride that spins.
• Never get on a ride with kids chewing tobacco…unless you want to be puked on.
• Babe Ruth is not a girl.
• PF Flyers will make you jump higher and run faster.

But most importantly, I learned that the best way to kiss a lifeguard is to pretend to drown. When he/she gives you CPR, commence kissing.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I read the bit about Kiefer ripping off your bandage and thought it was RIP (rest in peace) Kiefer. I was going to offer to help with the lawyer.”—Linda Medrano

Who Needs a Grill to BBQ?

When you think BBQ or cookout, what do you think of? I think of…

• A grill
• Hamburgers
• Hot dogs
• Shooing bees away from the desserts
• Napkins blowing all over place
• Doubling up on paper plates
• Plastic utensils that break when you stab your food
• Red Solo cups.

Well, you’re wrong.

Recently, Kiefer and I were invited to a cookout. We already had plans, but Radley went. When we picked him up, we saw this:

Except Obama wasn’t there.

Seriously.

When’s the last time you went to a cookout and it was inside? With a dining room table covered in a white linen tablecloth, multiple forks, and water flutes? Water. Flutes.

I’m not sure what the main course was, but it was definitely not something that came off a grill.

This weekend we’re going to a soccer game. I don’t know what to expect. Soccer? Football? Can I wear sneakers? Should I bring a water bottle or a wine glass? Pop-Tarts are probably out of the question.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “If you make your father’s new car a Batmobile, not only will you be hands down better than your brother, but he’ll also be extremely jealous because every man loves the Batmobile. Your whole family will refer to it as The Day Thoughtsy Bought the Batmobile. And Lunchbox will start being super nice to you and buying *you* awesome gifts in the hope that one day you’ll replicate The Best Gift Ever for him.

“Also your mother will be all, ‘He got a Batmobile and I only got a trip to NYC?’ so you’ll have to work extra hard on Mother’s Day next year. Luckily, Lunchbox will be so busy trying to impress you, he’ll pay for that Barbie Dreamcar and let you put your name on the card.”—Queen Gen