I’m Not Hungry…I’m Starving!

Before Scout came along, I wasn’t sure what I thought about breastfeeding, especially after someone told me it felt like your nipple was being slammed in a door, but breastfeeding is great for other reasons (besides nutritional value):

• When you’re tired of visitors, you can hide with the baby in another room and refuse to come out until they leave. Trust me: once the baby is gone, people go home.
• Your husband has to do the dishes or other chores.
• Breastfeeding forces you to sit down, relax, and watch a movie for a Movies Teach Us post…even if you only get to watch it in 20-minute segments.

Recently, I watched The Starving Games, which is a spoof of The Hunger Games. Here’s what I learned:

• People in the Capital dress funny because Lady Gaga was President.
• In the game lottery, enter names like Hugh Janus and Dean Gillberry. They’re funny when they’re announced.

• Kantmiss celebrates with a chest bump before volunteering to save her sister.
• Wedgies can cut you in half. Beware.
• You can put out an entire forest fire with a fire extinguisher.
• Angry birds attack in the Starving Games.
• Kantmiss is invited to join The Avengers.

And most importantly, Chuck Norris doesn’t have a catch phrase because catch phrases need him.*

*Anything about Chuck Norris is always the most important.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I fail to see how donut pants aren’t strategically positioned to be beside the Homer Simpson boxers….”—AbsentElemental

Monday Movie Menagerie: This Post May Save Your Life

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of movies. I’ve also been falling asleep during a lot of movies, which has made writing a Movies Teach Us post difficult.

Here are the bits and pieces of what I’ve learned from the movies I’ve watched over the past month. Feel free to add your own lessons learned.

Hansel and Gretel

• Never walk into a house made of candy.

Don’t go in. The candy isn’t worth it.

• If you’re going to kill a witch, set her on fire.
• Gretel’s a biter.

Red Dawn

• When stealing supplies, remember the bucket of soda.
• Living Call of Duty isn’t as much fun as playing it.

The Hangover Part 3

• You don’t have to have friends to play Word with Friends.
• Giraffes and bridges don’t mix.

Pretty Woman

• Your arm from your wrist to your elbow is the same size as your foot. (I checked this on myself. It’s true.)

I saved this Wrong Turn 4 for last because…well…I’m not really sure what I was thinking when I watched it. Has any movie that’s made it to #4 ever actually been good?

It did, however, provide a lesson that I’m sure all of us will use some day.

Wrong Turn 4

• When inbred cannibals are killing and eating you and your friends, don’t lock them up. Just kill them. It is not the time to pull the “We can’t kill them. We’re not like them” holier-than-thou stance. They will escape and eat you.

The Truth About Mary Poppins

While Kiefer, Boo, and Radley had a boys’ night out, I settled onto the couch in my pajamas. Just when I was about to declare that nothing was on, I found Mary Poppins.

Now there’s a no-nonsense lady who had her shit together. Her nannying skills whip that house into shape in less than a week—which is probably why she has no references. My dad always said you need to stay at a job at least 6 months.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• Just because Mary Poppins can fly doesn’t mean she’s a witch. Witches have brooms. I suspect Mary Poppins was probably one of the early X-Men.
  

  No broom and no pointy hat = Not a witch.

• If you snap your fingers, your room will clean itself. What the heck, Poppins! You just set up all parents and nannies for failure.
• If medicine tastes good—like a spoon full of sugar—children will take it. Tell me something I don’t know. We do this with Ozzy Pups all the time…except we use peanut butter.
• You never need a reason to step in time. And no one will get mad about chimney soot being tracked all over their house as long as you sing and dance while doing it.
  

  In my house, let’s keep it confined to the roof, gentlemen.

Most importantly, I learned the correct way to fire someone. You bust the top of his hat out and break his umbrella. The firing is just implied.

Sharknado! aka Beverly Hills 90210

With all the cold weather we’ve had, I decided to watch a movie that would make me think warm thoughts. And what would warm me up better than a beach movie?

So I watched Sharknado.

This movie raised a couple questions:

• Why wasn’t this movie titled or subtitled A Grownup Steve Sanders Returns to His Old Stomping Grounds?
• Will we now change the expression “raining cats and dogs” to “raining sharks?”

An umbrella isn’t helpful in this situation.

Here’s what I learned:

• Cutting your legs shaving looks exactly like a shark bite.
• Nothing gets people out of a bar faster than a shark through a window.
• A bar stool is an excellent weapon—don’t underestimate it.
• Always carry a chainsaw. If a shark eats you, you can saw your way out of it’s tummy.

Most importantly, I learned that Finding Nemo’s “Fish are friends, not food” is all a lie. Sharks eat everything.

Obviously I’ve Descended From the Bloodline of Christmas Elves

As I impatiently wait for Netflix to send me what I expect will be the ultimate holiday movie—The Gingerdead Man—I watched another holiday movie: Elf.

Here’s what I learned:

• Gum on the street is not free candy.
• Santa is a jerk. Why doesn’t he just give Buddy a ride home? Instead he has to travel by iceberg from the North Pole to New York.
• Don’t talk to or hug strangers. Especially raccoons. They will cut you.
• Elves only need 40 minutes of sleep a night. (Note to self: Hire an elf-nanny once the baby is born.)
• The breakfast of champions elf style consists of Pop-Tarts, spaghetti, and maple syrup.

Hmmm…Pop-Tarts…I think I’m part elf.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I would never be able to leave PopTarts on my bedside table. Oliver would eat the whole box. And get his head stuck in the box.”—Kitten Thunder’s Girl

Merry Christmas!