Donut Pants to Go With My Muffin Top

Now that Scout weighs 13 pounds, I discovered carrying Scout in one arm and holding up my maternity pants with the other would soon no longer be feasible.

With 15 pregnancy pounds still lingering, mostly in my hips and thighs, I went shopping for new clothes.

I just came home with jeans and shorts, but I’m considering going back for these doughnut pants.

Not feeling the doughnuts? There were cheeseburger pants as well.

Please tell me you’ve seen someone wearing these or something similar.

Take That, Lady-Who-Called-Me-the-Town-Whore!

Back in December, a lady at the grocery store called me the town whore based solely on what I was wearing. Good times, good times.

Anyways, the other day, an older gentleman made my day by commenting on my outfit. I wish the old mean lady had been there. Yes, I totally hold grudges forever.

My mom and I were at lunch, and a group of older gentlemen walked by us on their way out. The last one stopped to talk to us.

Older Gentleman: I just wanted to tell you how nice it is to sit across from a young lady who is dressed appropriately and modestly. Thank you. You’re beautiful. Enjoy your lunch!

I was in an ankle-length skirt and white sleeveless top. If you’re dressed in anything else, he’s calling you a “whore.” Sorry about your luck.

I’ll be wearing that outfit every time I go to the grocery store now. Then, when I see the mean old lady, I can get all up in her face, look at her outfit and then look at mine, and be like, “Who’s the townwhore now, biatch?”

That is my totally 100% mature plan.

Anyways, after that compliment, the conversation took an interesting turn.

Thoughtsy’s Mom: Thank goodness he didn’t see what you were wearing when we picked you up from the airport the other day. I could see your bra.

Yes, that’s right. My mom told me I dressed like a whore. Sigh….

In my defense, what started out as a sundress, after 15+ hours in airports and squirming on planes had seriously stretched out and was very revealing.

Oops….

Favorite Comments From Last Post:

• “Ummm, carrot cake is a vegetable. Although, if its not, that would explain a lot about how that Freshman 15 snuck up on me when I was in college.”—PinotNinja
• “In my dream, crudmuffins ™ are a valuable source of daily fiber.”—The Hipster

The Breakfast of Champions

Haaaave you met Darla over at She’s a Maineiac? 

She’s in Maine. Hence her blog name: Maineiac. All that you really need to know about her is that she’s awesome. And…she does celebrity impressions. Vlog, Vlog, Vlog…. Are you chanting? Please tell me I’m not the only one chanting.

Without further ado, may I present to you her Movies Teach Us post.

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I just finished the first year in my pursuit of another college degree. Going back to school at my age brought up many long-buried memories of high school.  Now that final exams are over, I decided nothing could cheer me up more than watching one of my favorite movies for the millionth time. Its life lessons have stood the test of time.

Things I Learned About Life from the movie The Breakfast Club

• When drawing a winter landscape scene, dandruff is a great substitute for snow.
• Never eat your fingernails during detention because the sound is deafening and will only earn you one of Bender’s patented glares.
  

  Don’t even think about it, bud.

• Never try to prop open a heavy door with a flimsy chair.
• You’re super cool only if you wear fingerless gloves and a red bandana wrapped around your boots.
• If you want to get a rise out of a man, simply accuse him of wearing tights in public.

Go on, Bender. Mention tights again.

• When discussing your detention and a teacher asks you, “Do you want another one?” always answer: “So” or “Yes” or “Eat my shorts” or “Not even close, bud.” Always emphasize the word ‘bud’. Teachers love that.
• You can light your cigarette using your shoe.
• You can light your cigarette using your teeth.

I am the master of the flame, baby.

• Ripping pages from a book and angrily putting cards back in the card catalog means you’re a rebel.
• If you repeatedly ask a girl, “Are you a virgin?” be prepared to have Emilio Estevez pile-drive your face into the floor.
• When you’re really fed up with school, just go to the gym and play some angry basketball. Wearing only one sneaker.
• Cigarette smoking helps kids from all social backgrounds bond.
• If you want to be considered ‘kooky’ just wear dark eyeliner and a giant parka, give the Crazy Eyes a lot and steal everyone’s wallets.

What. I’m cold. And I like to put Pixie Stix and Cap’n Crunch cereal in my sandwich. Whatever.

• When all the injustices in high school bring you down and you feel like you’ve lost all hope: Dance.
• The jock will kiss you, but only if you ditch the parka and get Molly Ringwald to slap some makeup on you.
• Even if you have to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention, in the end you will find out that each one of us is each one of us: the jock, the criminal, the basket case, the princess. So we’re all the same on the inside. Or something like that. I guess. Whatever.

Somebody Please Get a Clue

Haaaaave you met Jules? I can’t remember if we first bonded over our mutual love for Glee or vodka, but we definitely cemented our bloggy friendship with vodka at BlogHer.

Please give her a warm welcome today. If you’re nice to her, she’ll probably make you one of her chief chipmunks.

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When Thoughtsy asked if I’d write a “Movies Teach Us” guest post, I didn’t hesitate. Movies have taught me so much. Thanks to the silver screen, I wasn’t long in this world before learning that killer bees really can kill, Reese’s Pieces are otherworldly-level yummy, and men fall in love with girls who actually would let you put them in a corner if it was up to them.

I recently watched my all-time favorite movie for the 10th 20th 30th time, and I thought it would be the perfect pick for today.

Clueless.

I totally didn’t even pause before picking this movie.

Here’s what I learned:

• “Showing a little skin” will only prolong your realization that yes, that hot guy who likes to shop really is gay.
• The correct pronunciation of “Hatians” is HAY-tee-uns.
• If you don’t wear your most capable-looking outfit, you will fail that driver’s test.
• Only yellow plaid goes with yellow plaid.
• They don’t speak Mexican in El Salvador.

Movie Monday: Son of a…

Recently, I went old school in my movie choices and watched the Garbage Pail Kids (Misty loves them). Somehow I managed to completely miss them while I was growing up. If you missed them, too, let me give you an image:

Garbage Pail Kids = Gross Cabbage Patch Kids

One pees his pants constantly; another farts constantly; one wipes her boogers all over everything…. You get the idea.

You know what this jean vest needs? A boogie. Right here.

Here’s what I learned:

• Gwyneth Paltrow was completely unoriginal naming her child “Apple.”  The girl in this movie is named “Tangerine.”
• You can get locked up for being too gross, too tall, too short, too old, and too fat (Ex. Santa. Sorry, no Christmas this year).
• Fashion in the 1980s was weird.

I also watched Tommy Boy. Let’s have a moment of silence for Chris Farley.

• Brothers don’t shake hands. They hug.
• Putting a fat man in a little coat is a bad idea.
• If Housekeeping asks to jerk you off, it’s probably not Housekeeping.

Next week you’re in for a real treat because I lined up some guest bloggers to do Movies Teach Us posts all week! Woo-hoo!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I thought it meant to enjoy the chocolate in the closet.”—April