Chapter 9: The 4 Fs

Discussions lead to Arguments, and Arguments lead to Battles of Blame. And the next thing you know, someone is getting pushed off a cliff by Spartan Gerard Butler.

This is another great chapter to read in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

“The closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.”

So true, so true, Dr. Gray.

The 4 Fs…No, That’s Not One of Them

Fight: Men tend to focus on being right, and they often become defensive. But being defensive provokes resistance from women.  Sports nuts that they are, men also play offense, which intimidates their partner and weakens her trust.

Flight: Sometimes men shut down and go into the cave.

Fake: Women are good at faking it. Not just with “that” but with everything. Women pretend not to be hurt and that there’s not a problem, which causes them to pull away.

Fold: Like in poker, women tend to just give in and assume responsibility for the fight even though the fight began through combined efforts. That’s a lot of burden to carry.


Remember in this post how I interpreted what Kiefer said? I’m not the only one.

When a man disappoints a woman…

What She Said: How could you do this?

What He Heard: There is no good reason for you disappointing me. You are an idiot.

What He Said: It’s not such a big deal.

What She Heard: If you are upset, it is your fault.

What She Should Have Said: I don’t like being disappointed….

What He Should Have Said: I understand I disappointed you. How can I support you now?

Lessons Learned

If you feel an argument coming on, take a time-out to reflect on your approach. How is your partner perceiving you?

Are you listening to your partner? Learning to integrate another point-of-view with your own will help avoid arguments.

Also, men, you’re not always right. Seriously. This chapter said that. And the author is a man, and in this case, he’s right.

About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

11 responses to “Chapter 9: The 4 Fs

  • Sass

    I despise when people tell me “It’s not such a big deal”. I don’t care if its a man or a woman. Depending on who it is I’d either turn around and walk away, or pop them one right in the mouth.

    I guess I could use some work on my communication skills. lol

  • TonyVote

    I particularly found this chapter useful. It has helped me avoid so many arguments. Just knowing what to say is half the battle though. You’ve also gotta know how to help.

  • imerika

    I learned a lot of stuff from that book. I read it a while ago though, maybe it’s time for a refresher course : P

  • redriverpak

    Remind me to keep my wife the heck away from this book! Or I will be getting popped in the mouth right and left all day long!

  • mescribe

    I loved the Gerard Butler parallel in this post (wonderful picture, too). It’s funny how well we can know all of the things you listed above and STILL – with them at the back of our thick heads – get into sulky, defensive/offensive, non-communicational mode. Yeah, I do, especially with my adoring, toting mother whom I feel sometimes still treats me like a clueless kid (even though she honestly doesn’t and I just misread everything she does because I’m afraid she’s treating me like a clueless kid, which might mean she actually thinks I am one, and you know what they say about mothers and being right. *gasp*)

    Either way, it’s quite frustrating to me that I’m aware of it, and still I do it, making me feel childish more than anything else.

    I would like to thank you for an illuminating post, honestly, keep on telling it, sister: a nice big dosage of the truth never… well, usually hurts like hell, but it won’t kill ya, right? 😉

  • sittingpugs

    And the next thing you know, someone is getting pushed off a cliff by Spartan Gerard Butler

    — hilarious!

    The Fight, Flight, and Fake ones I see both men and women do.

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