How To Fluff Your LoveSac

For Blarney’s dog Murphy…. RIP. I miss you. You were the best stick-fetchin’, LoveSac fluffin’  little guy.

LoveSacs are the best, most comfy pieces of furniture ever. Ev-er. But they’re lazy, so it’s up to you to keep them fluffy and in shape.

Lazy sac of…

To fluff your LoveSac, follow these simple instructions.

Step 1. Charge the LoveSac while screaming, “I’m gonna get you!” Maybe give a little roar or turn green Incredible Hulk style.

Step 2. Then change your strategy. Hug it. Everything needs hugs. Even inanimate objects. Baby talk helps: “You cute, wittle LoveySacky, come here, bring it in.”

Ewww…look at my hand. Is that webbing between my fingers?

Step 3. Back away from the LoveSac slowly so you don’t startle it. If you startle it, it may squish you.

Nice and slow.

Step 4. Change your tactic again. This keeps the LoveSac on its toes. Wipe that smile off your face. Crack your knuckles or maybe flex your guns. Anything intimidating.

Not being intimidating leads to squishing:

Murphy Dog, call 911!

Step 5. Get a running start and fling yourself on top of the LoveSac.

Enlist help if necessary. Murphy Dog works for minimum wage.

Your butt will probably get a little dirty as shown here. Do these pants make my butt look big?

Step 6. Faceplant.

Repeat all six steps as many times as necessary.

Caution! Be sure that all pets (and small children) are clear of the LoveSac, or the faceplant step may occur earlier than planned.

Jumping onto the LoveSac while Esme a small animal is resting causes the pet to launch.

And then Kiefer you have to go stand in the corner.

Movie Monday: You’re in Treble

To deal with my Blarney withdraw, I went shopping. And I watched movies. Lots and lots of movies.

Starting with Pitch Perfect, here’s what I learned:

• Nothing makes a woman feel more like a girl than a man who sings like a boy.
• People work at radio stations because they like stacking CDs.
• Prince’s butt is so small that you can hold it with only one hand.
• Boone’s Farm doubles as blood.
• Horizontal running does not count as cardio.

Pitch Perfect reminded me too much of Blarney (because she sings), so I had to watch another movie to cheer me up: Drop Dead Fred.

Here’s what I learned:

• When cleaning dog poo off the carpet, it’s important to wear a dress and high heel shoes.
• You know a guy loves you when he throws spaghetti in a restaurant with you.
• Imaginary friends will play pirates with you.
• Eventually, imaginary friends leave.

Then I started to panic. Blarney was a pirate for Halloween once. And now she was gone. What if she was imaginary?!?!

Then the movie showed me that imaginary friends wipe boogers on your face. And Blarney never did that. Phew!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Okay, I’m here. I will walk you through this. DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH POP TARTS?! This is no time to be a hero!”—Lisa Newlin

It’s Not Goodbye. It’s See Ya Later!

A little over 3 years ago, my friend Blarney and I had this conversation:

Blarney: You’re funny. You can write and use the serial comma. And crazy stuff happens to you. You should start a blog.

Thoughtsy: What’s a blog?

Shortly after, Thoughts Appear was born.

When I met Blarney almost 5 years ago, despite her West Coastness and my East Coastness, we immediately hit it off.

Blarney: Hi! I’m Blarney. Nice to meet you!

Thoughtsy: I like you. You’re cool. I’m gonna make you my best friend!

Blarney: Uh…. Lucky for you, I like clingy.

Blarney and I discovered we had a lot in common, and we embarked on many adventures together. Some of which, I blogged about.

• She saved me from drunk guys hitting on me.
• We were roomies.
• I introduced her to Empire Records.
• We went to Hawaii (not really) and New Orleans (really).
• We became groupies for the Old 97s and Eytan and the Embassy.
• She let me borrow her dog Murphy for bean bag fluffing.

But in a couple days, Blarney is leaving. She’s moving back to the West Coast. And to make matters worse, my West Coast brother was home for a visit, and he leaves the day before Blarney leaves.

WHY IS EVERYONE ABANDONING ME?!

Someone needs to invent Pop-Tart-flavored ice cream ASAP. This is an emergency, people!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Just an observation: You can’t spell ‘Team Ddot’ without double D’s.”—Hippie Cahier

Valentine’s Day: It’s Not Just For Couples

My friend Blarney is in a long distance relationship. And if you’ve ever done long distance, you know how frustrating it can be.

Especially when you’ve had a bad day and need a shoulder to lean on. Especially when you’ve had a good day and want to share it with someone.

Especially on Valentine’s Day when red and pink hearts and cute couples doing coupley things are everywhere.

To remind Blarney that even though she’s alone on Valentine’s Day and even though she can’t be with the one she loves…she is still loved, I got her a Valentine’s Day flower. (And I got another friend a chocolate boyfriend.)

I swear I’m not high when I say this, but…Spread the love, people.

Here. I got you a flower, too.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Hope you’re getting your Cirque du Soleil application in order.”—Chase McFadden

Pocahontas Fraternizes with Zombies

This Halloween Kiefer and I wanted our costumes to match. He was going to be an outlaw, and I was going to be a saloon girl.

Then I realized saloon girl costumes aren’t very flattering for my body shape. And Kiefer decided he didn’t like his outlaw costume.

So we decided on cowboys and indians to out the biggest conspiracy theory ever. It’s so secret you’ve probably never even heard of it.

Zombies inhabited the Wild West.

So we did cowboys and indians zombie style.

Except I had just gotten back from San Antonio, and I was too exhausted to do any zombie makeup. So I half-assed it by just wearing zombie contacts.

Which you can’t even see in this picture…. Fail….

Kiefer, Me, Elvis, Blarney

We also solved the mystery of Elvis: He’s totally alive.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Yessssss. And NOW… hack it into pieces.”—Sugardishme