Tag Archives: Mars and Venus

Chapter 10: How to Score

…Points. How to Score Points With Your Partner. You dirty-minded person. What did you think I meant?

Men. Mars. Women. Venus. You really should know the drill by now.

Men, every time you do something nice for your significant other, you get a point. One point.

  • Giving Her Flowers = 1 point
  • Giving Her a Car = 1 point
  • Taking Out the Trash = 1 point

Little things are important to women, so don’t stop doing them…no matter how long you’ve been together.

This chapter includes a list of 101 Ways to Score…Points With Women. Here are a few of my favorites:

  • Hug her as soon as you walk in the door.
  • Give her flowers for no reason.
  • Hug her 4 times a day…at least. (I know by now you think I’m hug obsessed and that I added this in. I swear I didn’t. Tony—and anyone else reading the book—please back me up here.
  • Pay more attention to her than others when  you’re in public.
  • Take short romantic getaways.

Women, don’t forget to say, “Thank you” and “Ooooh” and “Ahhhh.” Men need encouragement and appreciation for them to continue giving. Also, men tend to wait to do things until they are asked. But ask and you shall receive.

Here are a few ways to score points with men.

  • If he forgets something, say, “It’s okay.”
  • When he drives, say, “Thank you for driving.” That’s just good manners. Refrain from telling him how to drive, where to park, etc.
  • You can also score points with your man, by…you know…”scoring” with your man.

Ladies, I think we definitely have it easier.

The author also revealed something that I found really, really interesting.

Men are afraid of not being forgiven, and that’s why when they screw up, they tend to get mad at you in return.

Lessons Learned

Women: Say “Thank you.” Be grateful for the little things.

Men: Just because buying a car and buying flowers are each worth one point, don’t think you get away with just doing the little stuff. Ok, well maybe you can. If it’s lots of little stuff.

Chapter 9: The 4 Fs

Discussions lead to Arguments, and Arguments lead to Battles of Blame. And the next thing you know, someone is getting pushed off a cliff by Spartan Gerard Butler.

This is another great chapter to read in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

“The closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.”

So true, so true, Dr. Gray.

The 4 Fs…No, That’s Not One of Them

Fight: Men tend to focus on being right, and they often become defensive. But being defensive provokes resistance from women.  Sports nuts that they are, men also play offense, which intimidates their partner and weakens her trust.

Flight: Sometimes men shut down and go into the cave.

Fake: Women are good at faking it. Not just with “that” but with everything. Women pretend not to be hurt and that there’s not a problem, which causes them to pull away.

Fold: Like in poker, women tend to just give in and assume responsibility for the fight even though the fight began through combined efforts. That’s a lot of burden to carry.


Remember in this post how I interpreted what Kiefer said? I’m not the only one.

When a man disappoints a woman…

What She Said: How could you do this?

What He Heard: There is no good reason for you disappointing me. You are an idiot.

What He Said: It’s not such a big deal.

What She Heard: If you are upset, it is your fault.

What She Should Have Said: I don’t like being disappointed….

What He Should Have Said: I understand I disappointed you. How can I support you now?

Lessons Learned

If you feel an argument coming on, take a time-out to reflect on your approach. How is your partner perceiving you?

Are you listening to your partner? Learning to integrate another point-of-view with your own will help avoid arguments.

Also, men, you’re not always right. Seriously. This chapter said that. And the author is a man, and in this case, he’s right.

Chapter 8: Respect Rafiki

This may be the best chapter yet in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Go to the nearest bookstore or library and read this chapter…right now. As always, I’ll wait.

Women Need (What Men Can Say to Fulfill the Need):

  • Caring (I love you. Or just to be perfectly clear, I care about you.)
  • Understanding (I understand why you’re upset.)
  • Respect (Yes, ma’am.)
  • Devotion (Let me ignore these other people—or the game—for a few moments and get lost in your eyes.) ::swoon::
  • Validation (That would bother me, too.)
  • Reassurance (For the 100th time in the last 5 minutes, yes, I love you.)

Men Need (What Women Can Say to Fulfill the Need):

  • Trust (Have fun with the guys tonight!)
  • Acceptance (I’ll accept the fact that you’re an a-hole sometimes.) Sorry. Apparently I still have some left over resentment from Chapter 5.
  • Appreciation (Thank you for giving me the bigger half of the cookie. And the last bite of ice cream.)
  • Admiration (I can’t believe you are kind enough—and have the self-control—to give up the last bite of ice cream. You’re amazing.) 
  • Approval (Nice job picking out that shirt. You look great!)
  • Encouragment (I like your hugs. Could I have another?) Must resist urge to mention hugs in every post….

Rafiki says, “Focus on what your partner needs because in a relationship needs are like the Circle of Life. Focusing on what your partner needs will lead you to Hakuna Matata.”

Circular Example: Women need to feel adored and special. When a man makes a woman feel special, in return, she admires him. She also appreciates him, approves of him, and will most likely encourage him to make her feel special again. Four for the price of one, guys!

Uncircular Examples:

  • When a woman is upset, she says, “How could you do that?” The man no longer has her approval so he feels unloved. The man has no response, so the woman feels insecure.
  • When a man puts his children or work first all the time, a woman doesn’t feel special because she feels she is last on the man’s list of priorities.

I have to admit the men’s needs list confuses me. If men need to be trusted, why do they do things like lie? Lying doesn’t make me trust you, appreciate you, admire you, approve of you, and I certainly don’t want to encourage lying.

Before you jump all over me and leave nasty comments, yes, I know, women lie, too. But “Trust” is on the men’s Top 6 Needs List.

How to Listen Without Getting Angry

This list in the book was great. My favorite one for men was “Refrain from defending yourself until she feels you understand and care.”

How to Give Up Changing a Man

Another good list to read. My favorite for women was “Practice showing him that he doesn’t have to be perfect to deserve your love.”

I’d like to close by mentioning one of women’s needs again, and by quoting Aretha Franklin, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take care, TCB. Oh, sock it to me, sock it to me….”

You’re gonna be singing that all day now.

Hug It Out

After reading my summary of Chapter 7 in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, JKnitt asked a good question:

It’s all fine and good to say that, “she needs your love, support, and attention. But she doesn’t want your advice on how to fix her problems, Mr. Fix-It.” But to quote the great Ralph Wiggum, “that’s unpossible!”

I’m not going to speak for all guys, but I don’t know how to show love and support WITHOUT offering solutions. (So if you could fill me in on how to do that I’d be much obliged.)

Well, JKnitt, or Ralph Wiggum…Can I call you “Ralph”? Remember that a woman’s main need is to be heard, not to have her problem solved.

Woman: Work is just so stressful.

Man: Honey, I’m sorry. (::HUG::) What happened?

The hug shows that you love her. Asking a question shows that you’re concerned, and it allows the woman to vent and achieve what she really wants: for someone to listen to her.

Woman: Sally is always making my life miserable.

Man: Sally’s a b*tch. (::HUG::) What did she do now?

By taking her side about Sally, you are showing support. Again, notice the question technique that allows the woman to speak and the man to listen.

The primary problem isn’t Sally (she’s the secondary problem). The primary problem is how your partner feels, so your solution should be how you can make her feel better, not how to put Sally in her place.

Woman: I just have so much to do!

Man: (::turns off the TV, and then hugs woman::) Let me give you a massage while you tell me what I can help with.

First give your partner your full attention. By asking her what you can help with, you are offering support, and the hug and massage show your love.

And this response even incorporates a man’s need to offer a solution. The hug is part of the solution because it will make her feel better. And by helping her, you are the solution. How cool is that?

Men, when in doubt, hug. Ladies, please feel free to jump in with more suggestions.

Ladies, you’re welcome for the massages you are all about to receive.

Chapter 7: I’ll Be Your Beach

Men are to Rubberbands as Woman are to Waves.

If you don’t know what this post is about, you should (Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus ::cough, cough::). Start with this post and work your way up to this one.

Women are like waves at the beach. (And everyone loves the beach.) Women’s moods are like the waves. Always going up and down.

Unlike men, who want to be left alone, when a woman is down, she needs your love, support, and attention. But she doesn’t want your advice on how to fix her problems, Mr. Fix-It.

Things Men Should Never Say to Women…Ever

  • How many times do we have to go through this? Once a month at least.
  • This is crazy. We’re having the same argument. This isn’t crazy. I’ll show you crazy.
  • I don’t want to deal with this. Well, I don’t want to deal with you!
  •  You shouldn’t be so upset. Fine!

“Telling a woman she shouldn’t feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say.”

When women are upset, issues will tend to reoccur. Think of it as practice. Like the movie Groundhog Day. You should get better at supporting her. Practice makes perfect.

When a woman is upset, it’s your job to make her feel safe. If you don’t, she’ll pull away from you and avoid intimacy.

No intimacy = No sex.

You don’t want that, do you? Didn’t think so.

Lessons Learned

Women need to be reassured and heard…and held (again I’m adding hugging).

Men, if you need a moment to yourself in the cave, admit it. Say something like “I know you need me to support you right now. But I need a minute in my cave to process things. I love you very very much.” Maybe throw the Post-It note reading “CAVE” on your head as well.