Santa Put Me on the Nice List This Year

I just wanted to show off a few of my favorite Christmas gifts.

Exhibit A: Giant Candy Bar*

*I don’t have a picture of this.

• Maybe it’s because I keep forgetting to take one and I don’t want to wait any longer on this post.
• Maybe it’s because I hid it from my stepsons, and now I can’t remember where I put it.
• Maybe it’s because I already ate it.
  

The world may never know.

Because every pregnant woman needs a candy bar the length of her arm. This prevents her from actually eating her arm…or someone else’s arm.

Exhibit B: Branded Pillow

My friend Princess made this for me. Awwww….

Exhibit C: Zombie Baby T-Shirt

Because we all know how much I love zombie babies. Thank you, Misty!

What were some of your favorite Christmas gifts that you gave or received?

Favorite Comments From Last Post:

• “Either pickle juice you try, I relish the idea.”—BluzDude
• “With a comment like that, I feel as though you may just be jerkin her gherkin.”—AbsentElemental

Obviously I’ve Descended From the Bloodline of Christmas Elves

As I impatiently wait for Netflix to send me what I expect will be the ultimate holiday movie—The Gingerdead Man—I watched another holiday movie: Elf.

Here’s what I learned:

• Gum on the street is not free candy.
• Santa is a jerk. Why doesn’t he just give Buddy a ride home? Instead he has to travel by iceberg from the North Pole to New York.
• Don’t talk to or hug strangers. Especially raccoons. They will cut you.
• Elves only need 40 minutes of sleep a night. (Note to self: Hire an elf-nanny once the baby is born.)
• The breakfast of champions elf style consists of Pop-Tarts, spaghetti, and maple syrup.

Hmmm…Pop-Tarts…I think I’m part elf.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I would never be able to leave PopTarts on my bedside table. Oliver would eat the whole box. And get his head stuck in the box.”—Kitten Thunder’s Girl

Merry Christmas!

Nesting: What’s That?

Everybody talks about nesting when you’re pregnant. Translation: You’re suddenly no longer exhausted, and you start cleaning and organizing everything.

Since I’m already an organized person, this worried Kiefer who is the procrastinator in our relationship. For example, we had this conversation last month:

Thoughtsy: When are you going to put the changing table and crib together?

Kiefer: Sometime in the next 4 months.

Thoughtsy: So the changing table this weekend and the crib next weekend?

Because I don’t want to annoy Kiefer too much, I’ve tried to remember that 3 months 77 days is plenty of time to get everything done.

But what if she comes a week early? That’s only 70 days. THAT IS NOT ENOUGH TIME!

With Kiefer traveling for 2 weeks, I decided to do everything while he was gone. My list included:

• Wash all baby clothes, blankets, etc.
• Wash everyone else’s laundry (the boys usually do their own) and finally match all the socks or throw out all the lonely socks.
• Reorganize the kitchen cabinets.
• Clean out and reorganize all of my drawers.
• Organize all of the baby’s stuff.
• Finish decorating the nursery.
• Write and mail thank you cards.
• Wrap all of the Christmas presents.
• Start decorating for Christmas.

See how I’ve crossed off two things? I didn’t really take into account that with Kiefer gone…

• I’m the only one who can walk Ozzy 3-4 times a day.
• Sometimes I’m the only one who can run Boo and Radley to basketball practice.
• Laundry is neverending.
• Although I’ve written all the thank you cards, I need to actually remember to get stamps to mail them.

And then we got 8 inches of snow and then another 4 inches the next day, so I had to shovel…a lot.

Where is the grass?

And it’s hard to do all of that with my new 8 PM bedtime. I guess I’ll wait till Kiefer gets back to nest.

Favorite Comments From Last Post:

• “Why are we supposed to like those stupid-ly-stupid-stupid baby shower games just cuz we have ladybits? Do any ladies you know actually like them? I CALL CONSPIRACY.”—Nikki B
• “The punch wasn’t a fail — it’s a sign of a good party when even the ducks are passed out face down in the punch bowl.”—PinotNinja

It’s Christmas in July

One of the perks of living with Kiefer is cable TV. I get by on my Netflix alone. And while Kiefer is traveling for work, I can watch whatever I want with no judgment.

The other Saturday morning I flipped on the TV, and…nothing was on.

Except lots and lots of Christmas movies.

I panicked. How long had I been asleep? Had I turned into Rip Van Winkle?

Then it hit me: It was Christmas in July. So I opted to watch Home Alone since Kiefer was gone, and I myself was home alone. What if some burglars tried to break in? I needed to be prepared.

Here’s what I learned:

• Aftershave burns. But keep putting it on your face anyways.
• “Pump your guts full of lead” means shooting you.
• The proper way to count is 1…2…10.
• The best defense involves paint cans on ropes. And blow torches.
• The worst defense involves feathers because it just pisses them off.

Ultimately, I learned that burglars are pretty stupid, so I’ll probably be fine.

My Boxing Day Gift List

Friend: So maybe you’ll get a ring this year for Christmas.

Thoughtsy: I doubt it. Kiefer said he wouldn’t propose on a holiday.

Friend: But there are plenty of days around the holidays. Like 350-something of them.

Thoughtsy: I guess there is the day after Christmas. Oh wait…That’s Boxing Day.

Friend: The 27th?

Thoughtsy: National Fruitcake Day.

Friend: The 28th?

Thoughtsy: National Give-Your-Boyfriend-the-Cold-Shoulder-for-Not-Proposing Day.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Once my oldest figured out that Santa wasn’t real, I felt kind of relieved like, FINALLY, that jerk can quit getting all the credit for all of my hard work.”—BananaStick3rs