Hot As Balls—Yeah, I Said It

Last week I had to get up earlier than usual was late to work because I had to scrape frost off my windshield. This week…I’m wondering if I’d get fired for taking off my pants.

Seriously.

I’m hot. And not sexy hot. I’m sweaty hot. And not glistening sweaty. I’m I-think-I-just-wet-my-underoos-no-that’s-just-sweat sweaty.

That’s how hot it is. I don’t even care how embarrassing it is to share with you that my thighs have soaked my undies. To dry them, I’m sitting spread-eagle at my desk…in a dress. Classy.

My legs scream “Open for Business,” but I don’t care.

While we’re I’m sharing, although I have a cold water bottle behind my neck, I really want to shove it down the front of my dress.

Apparently, switching on the AC requires a gazillion different approvals plus a dead body, so yesterday and again today we’re all sitting inside a 90-degree building….crying because no one would sacrifice themselves to the AC gods.

Ok, so maybe I was the only one actually crying. But only half of the time. The other half of the time I was begging for a Channing Tatum-look-a-like cabana boy to fan me.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I used to have an apartment where there was a small access panel (to the bath plumbing) in my bedroom. The first guy I showed it to swore that was where the trolls live. I never opened it, just to be sure.”—BluzDude

It’s Raining Men!

Because Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello were in the movie Kiefer had a guys’ poker night, Blarney, Princess, and I went to see Magic Mike.

Having never been to a strip club, I decided to live vicariously through the movie.

Star-spangled tophats are not standard issue.

• Stripping isn’t just taking your clothes off. There’s choreography, too.
• What is that in the corner of the screen? Why, yes, it is a penis pump. With a penis in it.
• Strippers might need a thong with an elephant trunk.
• Sometimes guys pretend their penis is a machine gun.
• Drugs are expensive.
• To make women scream, throw a prop between your legs.

The most important lesson I learned is never go to a strip club in real life because Channing Tatum won’t be there…and that will be sad.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Adorable—she looks like a bed troll!”—Cestlavie22

You Think You Know the Story

What do zombies, stoners, and unicorns have in common? They’re all in the movie The Cabin in the Woods.

Here’s the plot: Five friends go to a cabin in the woods. Bad things happen. And then…

What do you think happens next? Well…you’re wrong.

Unless you were thinking, Someone uses a coffee mug bong to kill the bad guys. Then you’re right.

The Cabin in the Woods is not just a horror movie. It’s a horror/comedy/sci fi/maybe even parody movie. Which is even better than a horror movie.

I’ve never done a Movies Teach Us on a movie in the theater because it’s hard to take notes while shoveling candy into my mouth in the dark, but here’s what I learned:

• Never trust the gas station attendant. Do the opposite of whatever he says.
• When someone says you’re not on speaker phone, you are.
• The stoner is not paranoid.
• Whores always die first.
• Thor is hot when he’s not a spoiled brat. I’m retracting my previous statement concerning his hotness. He’s now a Cabana Boy candidate.
• Hard-ons are also known as “husband bulges.”
• Unicorns are not your friend.
• Mermen do not look like they do in The Little Mermaid.

Most importantly, I learned that girls who run around in t-shirts and undies are in a horror movie.

 Oh…my…god…I hardly ever wear pants. I wonder if my life is a horror movie. ::looks around for cameras, zombies, and crazed killers::

Hot Air Hangs Like a Dead Man From a White Oak Tree

Initially, I was caught up in the Twilight book hype.

Then the movies started coming out, and I lost interest…but I still see the movies because I’m still extremely interested in Taylor Lautner becoming my Cabana boy.

But now I’m returning to my roots. To a movie about vampires who…

• Can’t resist the taste of blood.
• Can’t survive sunlight.
• Will eat you.

And most importantly, vampires who do not flippin’ sparkle. Sparkle? Seriously?

Vampires look like this:

I vant to suck your blooooood....

I watched From Dusk Till Dawn. Here are some of my thoughts:

• Young George Clooney. Le sigh.
• They stopped at a gas station for a map? Whoa…this movie is old.
• Quentin Tarantino movies always have amazing soundtracks. That song in the post title is stuck in my head.
• Salma Hayek is a vampire stripper.
• I thought Cheech was typecast, but he can also portray a vampire/Border guard/pimp/criminal.
• Don’t judge someone whose name is “Sex Machine.” He’s on your side…until he becomes a vampire.
• In 1996, people said, “hunky dory.” Let’s bring that back.

But the most important thing that I learned is that if you’re defenseless against vampires, a pencil to the heart works just as well as a wooden stake.

Do you think it has to be a #2 pencil?

Carryin’ the Banner

Open the gates and seize the day….

1992. I was about 11 years old, in 6th grade, and I was tomboy. I played with boys; I didn’t think they were cute.

That all changed when I saw this face. ::droooool::

Marry Me? Please?

And this face.

And these guys doing this.

I could go on forever. And all of these handsome faces could be seen in one movie: Newsies.

That movie made me view boys in a different light. Boys were cute. Boys could sing and dance…and fight. These boys I wanted to hold hands with, not play basketball with.

And now I can relive my youth by seeing Newsies on Broadway. Please excuse me while I squeal like a teenage woo-hoo girl.

I hope Christian Bale is in it. Otherwise I may be setting myself up for disappointment.

Is there an age limit on Cabana boys? Could Christian Bale be my Cabana boy?