Dear Future Husband, Consider This Your First Honey-Do List

Dear Not-Too-Distant-Future Husband (aka Kiefer),

Since I started blogging, I’ve mentioned qualities that you need to possess. I’ve compiled everything into this post for easier access. You’re welcome.

First, make sure you read the 10 Commandments of My Future Boyfriend. Don’t ever forget them.

To advance to the husband stage, here are a few things you should know about me.

1. I want a baby girl, not a boy.
2. Although I have a high tolerance for pain, I freak out about the prospect of pain, so prepare for permanent hand-squeezing damage during labor.
3. I cry about everything (sometimes to get my way).
4. If I get upset and cry, hug me. I’ll be snotty and gross, but it’ll make the crying stop.
5. The last cookie is always mine. Unless it has nuts. Then it’s yours.

Remember all of these, Future Husband, and we will get along just fine.

Love,

Present-Day Thoughtsy

PS: I reserve the right to add anything awesome that other people include in the comments.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Thoughtsy’s beauty secrets – ‘I glue my left over monobrow to my eyelashes’ brilliant.”—Daile

10 Commandments of My Future Boyfriend

Being single (and reflecting on past relationships) helps you realize what you want in your new relationship.

I made a list. I really like lists if you haven’t noticed.

1. Thou shall list Facebook Relationship Status as “In a Relationship With Thoughtsy.”
2. Thou shall not ever give me unfrosted Pop-Tarts.
3. Thou shall like chocolate. Or not like. I’m not sure. Is it better to have the chocolate all to myself or to have someone to share it with for weight management purposes?
4. Thou shall not tell lies.
5. Thou shall occasionally read my blog.
6. Thou shall make me the rainbow pancakes once.
7. Thou shall make me feel loved and wanted.
8. Thou shall like cuddling.
9. Thou shall not get mad when I touch your bare skin with my icy cold fingers.
10. Thou shall carry me around occasionally.

So, yeah…I think that’s it. I’m pretty low maintenance. #4 and #7 should be givens, but even a couple of my “good guy” exboyfriends occasionally fudged those up.

 

#10 is especially important. I’m 5’7″. That means I’m the tall girl, so not many guys are tall enough to throw me over their shoulder or carry me around.

 

Carrying me around is important. Not because I’m lazy…Well, a little because I’m lazy. Mostly because I used to be heavier and now that I’m a carry-able weight, I like to be reminded that I’m light and fluffy. Maybe fluffy was the wrong word…. Look, it’s just important, ok?

 

It makes me feel light and skinny. And when I feel skinny, it’s a good day…for everyone within my 5-mile radius.

 

Am I missing any Commandments?

 

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “The fact that phone sex jobs don’t offer health insurance is exactly why we need health care reform in this country. Also, certain styles of panty make excellent eye patches.”—JM Randolph

You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs

I read over on I Like Boys Who Wear Glasses that Cosmo says you have to kiss 22 guys before you find Mr. Right.

22? Seriously? I’m not there yet. I got my first kiss when I was in 5th grade, which I’m not sure even counted. So I didn’t get my first real kiss until I was 16. I can’t believe I wasted time like that.

And all those long-term relationships? More wasted time and kisses. Geez…I could have been married years ago if only I’d puckered up more.

I just counted, and I’ve kissed 16 guys. 16.

Uh-oh…I think I just lost a follower…they probably think I’m a whore.

Anyways….Anyone want to volunteer for numbers 17-21? (There goes another follower.) Nothing serious.  I just need to kiss you, so I can find Mr. Right.

I’ll even let you pick a flavor.

How old were you when you got your first kiss? Did you have to kiss 22 people to find your partner?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I will eat you and everything that you hold dear if you don’t let me keep my bed.”—Kerrigan Sloan

Superhero Capes: For or Against?

Now that I’m single, I have a lot of free time on my hands. What am I going to do with that time? I’m going to give back. I’m going to help people.

I’m going to become a superhero.

Instead of starting with a rigorous exercise regimen, I exercised my powers of observation. I watched The Avengers, so I could observe hotties like Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth real superheroes.

Dear God, Please send me a Pop-Tart-lovin’ superhero wife….

Here’s what I learned from The Avengers:

• If you’re tied to a chair, to escape, just stand up.
• It pisses Thor off when you call him a “tourist.”
• You’re a “brother”…until you start killing people. Then you’re adopted.
• If a good guy suddenly turns into a bad guy, just hit him on the head…hard. That’ll fix everything.
• The Hulk likes to smash.

What should my superhero name be? What would your superhero name be? Is a cape just asking for trouble?

Favorite Comment From the Last Post: “Oh, Thoughtsy. You’re too young and adorable to become the crazy cat lady who washes her cat but not her clothes.”—Hippie Cahier aka The Hipster

Johnny Depp: Single and Ready to Mingle

To Whom It May Concern Dear Boyfriend,

I regret to inform that your window of opportunity has closed. You are no longer first in line as my future husband.

Now that Johnny Depp is single, he’s moved to the #1 spot.

Johnny, we’re flavored-vodka people, not rum people.

Years ago, a Facebook quiz predicted I would marry Johnny Depp, and ever since, I’ve been waiting patiently for his proposal.

Now I’m sure that proposal is forthcoming.

Best Wishes,

Thoughtsy

PS: You snooze, you lose.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Happy birthday. I hope someone takes you to a Mexican restaurant and secretly tells the server it’s your birthday, and the entire wait staff parades to your table singing a royalty-free version of ‘Happy Birthday,’ and I hope they give you fried ice cream and give you a sombrero and take a Polaroid picture and pin it to the wall by the cash register.”—Todd Pack