I Knew It…Even Babies Hate Pumpkins

It’s that time of year. Pumpkin flavor has returned.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Have you seen the 16 Reasons You Should Never Reenact Pinterest Photos?

There’s a special section on pumpkins (ick!) and babies (awwww!).

Never will I ever put Scout in a pumpkin. Here’s why:

These poor, poor babies. Not one of them looks happy. They’re all crying except for the third one from the top, but I think that’s only because he was put in last, and he’s still a little dazed.

Or he has an escape plan.

So remember this picture the next time you see a pumpkin.

Just say no.

All Babies Are Cute. Even Zombie Babies.

Pregnancy makes you stupid. Well, maybe not stupid, but it messes with your mind.

Here’s a perfect example. I mixed up Halloween and Take Your Child to Work Day.

Other examples include…

• Folding clothes that hadn’t been washed yet.
• Forgetting to turn on the crockpot.
• Wearing flip flops to the gym.

Someone may want to give me a call the day before Thanksgiving to remind me about Turkey Day.

What else should I expect to forget?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “My dad always claimed our Milk Duds.  “All Milk Duds go to The House,” he’d say. I remember back when they first brought out those mini “Fun Sized” bars (because I’m old).  Even then, I hated the names and wanted everyone in their Marketing Dept fired.  To me, a “Fun Sized” bar would be about a foot long and as big around as a Subway Sandwich.”—BluzDude

5 Days Post Halloween and Only 387 Pieces of Candy Left

Kiefer and I always take a “cut” of Boo’s and Radley’s candy on Halloween night.

Because I feel guilty, my cut is about 5 pieces from each boy, and it’s dark chocolate or candy that they don’t like. For Boo, that meant Almond Joys, and for Radley, that meant Milky Way Darks. I love both.

Kiefer, on the other hand, takes a greater percentage. And over the next couple weeks, he also gradually sneaks a handful or two to take to work.

The boys ended up with at least 3 times this much candy.

Upon inspection of all their candy, we found about 6 full-size candy bars in each bag. What the…. I NEVER got a full-size candy bar in all my years of trick-r-treating.

This Halloween I met one kid who deserved a full-size candy bar…and it wasn’t because he had an amazing costume.

Our neighbors set up a Yard Haunt. It’s a miniwalk through their yard to the front door. Scary guys in costume jump out at you. We hear a lot of screaming, and we enjoy it because we’re awful people who take pleasure in the screams of others.

One boy skipped the Yard Haunt, and we felt scream-deprived. So when he came to our porch, this happened:

Kid: Trick-R-Treat!

Kiefer: I’ll give you extra candy if you go next door.

Kid: I’m not doing that! It’s too scary! Last year, I pooped my pants!

That kid, and only that kid, deserved a full-size candy bar on Halloween.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Stop complaining….21-lb boobs will make you popular.”—Carmen

Buy Milk. Ring Mum. Dodge Zombies.

Halloween is tomorrow! To celebrate—and pick up pointers for my costume—I watched Shaun of the Dead. Plus it gave me tips to survive zombie attacks.

Let’s face it. If zombies are going to attack, Halloween is the perfect time because everyone will just assume the zombies are normal people in costume.

On second thought, that might be giving zombies too much credit.

Here’s what I learned:

• To the untrained  eye, zombies look like drunks.
• Think carefully, is that lady trying to kiss you or eat you?
• Throwing a pillow at a zombie will not kill it.
• When the zombie apocalypse happens, head to the bar.
  

  The best way to make it to the bar is to act like a zombie.

• Wrecking your junky car gives you an excuse to drive a cooler car.
• Jumping over a fence will mostly likely lead to it—and you—falling over.
• There is no “i” in “Team,” but there is an “i” in “pie.”
• If you help your exgirlfriend survive a zombie attack, you will win her back.

The most important thing I learned is to watch the news. The poor blokes in this movie didn’t watch the news, so they had no idea that zombies were running around.

I don’t watch the news. That means I’ll be the last one to know the zombie apocalypse has arrived.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I say think big, and register for a year of college tuition.”—Bluzdude

This Halloween Stay Away From Gingerbread Houses

When Kiefer first suggested we watch Hansel and Gretel Get Baked on Netflix Instant Viewing, I was stoked. The title was a pun! Puns equal greatness….sometimes.

Normally, stoner movies are not my thing, but this movie was actually funny. Plus, Cary Elwes is in it…in disguise.

Here’s what I learned:

• I don’t do drugs, but even I would be tempted by a chocolatey one called “Black Forest.”
• Hansel and Gretel’s parents often go on weekend getaways with the Stiltskins.
• If an old lady tells you not to eat her gingerbread house, don’t eat her gingerbread house. If you do, she will eat you.

Resist! Resist!

• Any little old lady from Pasadena that deals drugs is a witch.
• Don’t leave Skittles behind as markers to find your way. Someone (a stoner) will eat them, and you will get lost.

Most importantly, I learned not to do drugs. Ever. Unless you want to be eaten by a witch and turned into a zombie.