Tag Archives: Sweet Potato Queens

Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times

Sweet Potato Queens say that you need someone (or someones) in your life that can do 5 important things. The queens recommend having 5 different men to do each, but maybe you can find a man who possesses all 5 traits.

Yeah, right.

Just for fun, let’s see how Kiefer measures up, shall we? Then he’ll know why he should read my blog every day instead of sporadically. It would prevent me from talking about him.

It will also teach him not to go to Africa and leave me here all by myself.

1. Someone Who Can Fix Things

Kiefer is pretty handy. And not handy in the he-fixes-things-and-then-you-call-a-professional way. He does it right the first time.

And this doesn’t exactly count as fixing, but he also washes my car and polishes my headlights. Really. My car headights were really dirty. And you’re dirty for thinking what we both know you were thinking when I wrote “headlights.”

2. Someone You Can Dance With

Check. Kiefer and I just recently danced at his sister’s wedding.

3. Someone Who Can Pay for Things

Kiefer and I take turns paying. I know a few women who let their boyfriends live with them rent-free. Uh, hello? I am not your sugar momma. Pay your own bills. I have a Pop-Tart addiction to fund.

4. Someone You Can Talk to

I tell Kiefer just about everything. Sometimes I tell him too much. Like when I’m constantly outing myself.

5. Someone to Have Great Sex With

Uh…Hi, Mom. What’s s-e-x? Sexxxx? Did I pronounce it right? I swear I’ve never heard of it before.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Breaking up. We’ve all been there. Breaks up are rough.

But not to worry! The Sweet Potato Queens have some advice for you.

  • I don’t care who he is. When you git ‘im home, they’s somethin’ bad wrong with ‘im.
  • Men taste just like chicken.
  • They’re making men every day. Get another one.

While you’re out there searching for another one, the Queens recommend following two rules: the 4-Hour Rule and the 24-Hour Rule.

The 4-Hour Rule: Before you make him the happiest man on earth (code for have s-e-x), he must spend at least 4 hours complimenting you.

The 24-Hour Rule: Within 24 hours of making him the happiest man on earth, he must repeat all of the previous compliments plus 15 minutes of new compliments.

Next up from the Sweet Potato Queens…The Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times.

The Magic Word Isn’t “Please”

How many times have you asked your husband/boyfriend to do something and he hasn’t?

  • Take out the trash.
  • Empty the dishwasher.
  • Put your clothes in the hamper.
  • Did you eat the last of my chocolate stash?!
  • Put some pants on for crying out loud!

Be annoyed no more. Because the Sweet Potato Queens have the answer. They have revealed the true magic words. The words that will make a man do anything you want. No nagging involved.

No, the magic word isn’t “Please.”

I’ve been struggling with whether or not to blog about this particular section of the Sweet Potato Queens book. Why? Because it’s risque.

Sure, occasionally, I drop words like “biatch” or “damn it.” You’ll notice there’s even a “s-e-x” tag in my tag cloud. (I just whispered and spelled out that word because I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Seriously, I struggled with my panties post. This one. Not this one.)

But I also like to blog about funny stuff…and this is funny. So consider this your warning. If you’re easily offended, click away now.

Back to the magic words. Saying these magic words will give you the “instant ability to persuade any man on earth to willingly, happily, and swiftly do your bidding.”

Here they are: If you do ______, all 8 of the Sweet Potato Queens will give you a blow job.

Then don’t speak. The silence is crucial.

Men always want sex. Unlike women who are sometimes really just not interested. For example, immediately after eating an entire pizza, women don’t want sex. The author says, “Why wasn’t he interested when you had the flat stomach?”

You’re probably going to need to replace “all 8 of the Sweet Potato Queens” with the word “I.”

But the best part about these magic words is that they aren’t necessarily true. The promise, not the act, is enough to get the job done.

You’re welcome.

Thongs…Panties Not Shoes

Remember the Sweet Potato Queens? The book I’m reading? Yeah, I was having so much fun reading it that I forgot to blog.

Part 1: The Thong Song

The author tackled the subject of thongs. Whale tails. And I have to ask…Does anyone find them comfy?

I know they’re supposed to be sexy, but I personally find it hard to feel sexy when I feel like I have a constant wedgie. (Too much information?) And it doesn’t matter what size I buy…they always ride up.

I have several because I have some pants that actually fit my butt, and I don’t want everyone to see the outline of my undies under my pants.

OOOOOOH! Under my pants! Underpants! I crack myself up.

Anyways, I don’t want anyone to see the outline of my underoos. Especially since sometimes they shift. And I don’t want random people walking up behind me saying, “You’re about to have a wedgie” or “Let me straighten your seams.”

Tammy (the head queen) asks the same question that I’ve been wondering: “How come they don’t make men’s underwear so it goes up their butts, huh?”

It’s 2010. Equal rights means equally uncomfy underwear.

Part 2: The Solution

Sweet Potato Queens Rule because of this Sweet Potato Queens’ Rule.

(Look how the apostrophe changes the sentence! I cracked myself up again. ::sigh:: I shouldn’t be allowed to blog this early in the morning. Why do you people put up with it?)

Anyways…the rule is Never wear panties* to a party.

Now that you know the panty-party rule, next time…go commando.

*Am I the only person who feels uncomfortable saying the word panties? Whenever I hear the the p-word, I think of Eric in That 70s Show saying, “Panties! Glorious panties!” as Donna pulls the rope in the center of room, causing panties to fall from the ceiling. Please tell me someone else remembers this.

Underwear is awkward, too. I hestitated when I typed both of them. Undies and underoos are ok.  Anyone have any alternatives?

Sweet Potato Queens Unite

You miss the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus series, don’t you? Me, too.

That’s why I’m reading another book.

This time I’m not summarizing each chapter because I found myself taking notes like crazy instead of enjoying my reading time. So I’ll be posting about the next book sporadically.

Everything you need to know about the Sweet Potato Queens can be found at their web site. But I’ll give you some background.

  1. The first Sweet Potato Queens were in a parade in 1982 in Jackson, Mississippi.
  2. The Queens have huge boobs (padded), huge butts (also padded), and big red hair (wigs), and they wear green sequined dresses, tiaras, and pink gloves. Come on, everybody loves a tiara.
  3. There are Sweet Potato Queen Chapters all over the United States that you can join.
  4. Men, I’m sorry, but these posts are more for the ladies.

Why read this book?

  1. Because it’s funny.
  2. Because she’s going to reveal the secret to love.
  3. Because although I’m only a couple chapters in, it seems that the Queens…all known as “Tammy”…are the Every Woman.
  4. And because there’s a parade in March…and parades have candy.