What’s Your Definition of “Big?”

Throughout my pregnancy, people and doctors have said, “You can’t be that many weeks! You’re not big enough!”

I’ve officially gained 40 pounds, I feel like my stomach may explode, and the other day I asked Kiefer to put my shoes on for me.

A photographer friend asked me to model for some maternity pics once my “tummy popped.”

I think my tummy has popped.

And I’m only going to get bigger because I still have 2 weeks to go.

The maternity pictures were hard for me. I didn’t do the traditional tummy picture every week. I didn’t even let Kiefer take a tummy pic until I was 3.5 weeks from my due date.

Why? Because my current pregnancy weight is what I weighed my sophomore year of high school.

When you’ve been overweight, any weight gain—even for a wonderful event like pregnancy—is hard to stomach. It’s hard to…

• Feel your old clothes get tight.
• Feel your new clothes get tight.
• Hear people say, “Oh…are you pregnant? I had no idea,” at the beginning of your third trimester because that means they spent the previous 6 months thinking you were just getting fat.
• Feel even remotely attractive.

But seeing myself in those maternity pics…I get it.

I don’t see a huge tummy or massive thighs or feet so swollen my ankles are almost gone. I see a mommy-to-be. And I see a baby in that belly.

Just to clarify, it’s a baby I grew, not one that I ate.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Get some. That is why everyone gets a car.”—ChocChipGuru

If you’re in the DC Metro area and need pictures, check out Baby Face Photo. Amy is great!

Sometimes Baby Showers Surprise You

My baby shower was a couple weeks ago. I was torn. Baby showers have cupcakes, and I wanted cupcakes.

But baby showers also have games, and I didn’t want to play any games. No tasting baby food, no guessing which candy bar is meltily smeared in each diaper (Dear Lord, why would anyone waste a candy bar like that?), and no baby bingo.

Know how to avoid games at a baby shower?

Make it man-friendly. Nobody expects guys to diaper balloons or pin the pacifier on the baby.

However, I did allow a few baby-related decorations, like diaper pins on the cupcakes and rubber duckies in the punch.

My rubber ducky punch was supposed to look like this.

Instead, the rubber ducky punch looked like this:

Rubber Ducky Punch Fail.

At least it still tasted good.

I was also hoping to avoid opening presents in front of everyone. I didn’t want that much attention, and nobody wants to sit through presents of wipes and butt paste.

Then a couple friends asked me to open their presents so they could explain them. So I quickly opened theirs, thanked them, and then looked up to see a crowd gathering.

Noooooo….

So I opened more presents. With the sun beating down on my back and eyes on my tummy, I started perspiring. Misty and Hippie will tell you it was a pregnancy glow because they’re nice. It was sweat.

That’s when I began wondering if it would be rude to spill water all over my lap, yell “My water broke,” and leave my own shower.

Then I got this:

All Mommy Wanted Was a Back Rub

And everyone laughed. And I felt like a jerk. Sure I didn’t want everyone staring at me, but people got me some really cool gifts, and I’m glad that everyone else got to see them…even if they were displayed by a perspiring glowing—just go with it—me.

Mommy’s Little Zombie Hunter, Does This Diaper Make My Butt Look Big?, and The Babe With the Power

How Soon Is Too Soon to Introduce Your Baby to Zombies?

So we I decided on purple, blue, and green for the baby’s nursery. And butterflies. And fairies.

It was an easy decision since I’ve been hoping for a baby girl for…well…ever.

Then I decided this little baby would need to be introduced to our family’s love for Halloween early. Really early.

So I may or may not be collecting these dolls for the baby’s nursery….

Zombie Princesses!

It’s my way of breaking stereotypes when baby girl arrives.

Disney Princesses? So overdone.

Zombie Disney Princesses? Awesome!

Once Upon a Zombie Creators, If you’re reading this, please make a zombie Tinkerbell. P–p-p-p-lease….

Favorite Comments From Last Post:

• “I suggest getting a piano and tapping the highest note, repeatedly.  Bill Murray said they hate that, in Ghostbusters.  So it must be true.”—BluzDude
• “Maybe just keep the Exorcist playing on repeat so that the ghost or spirit or devil or whatever will know what could happen to it if it stays. (I’ve never seen the movie, but assume they got the evil thing out of the green vomit spewing chick, yes?)”—MistysLaws

The Big Wedding vs. My Wedding

Kiefer and I get married on Saturday. That’s just a few days away…and I’m not panicking.

Years ago, Mephistopheles and I were engaged, and he called it off the week of the wedding. That was traumatizing. Of course, two days later he apologized and wanted the wedding to be back on, but I was done.

After that, I swore elopement was the only way to go.

But when Kiefer gave me that option, I turned it down, and for the last four months, we planned our big day.

I thought that over Labor Day weekend I would worry about Kiefer backing out. When I went to work on Tuesday, I realized the thought never crossed my mind.

To prepare us for any wedding mishaps, Kiefer and I watched The Big Wedding.

We really wanted Robin Williams to marry us, but he was booked.

• For a guy, sometimes his “thing” goes up but may not come down.
• Four and a half years isn’t that long to wait for a proposal. Some women wait 10 years.
• Robert DeNiro is a manwhore.
• “Muffin” can be a person’s name.
• Never have sex with a man unless he reads you poetry first…and brings you flowers for a year.
• Docks have a weight limit. Respect it or you will fall in the water.

Kiefer and I are getting married over water, too (if the weather is nice). I’ll have to look up the weight restrictions.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Thoughtsy, here’s your angle for the next time… When confronted with allusions to pooping, explain that ‘Pooping’ may be a bit of a misnomer, as the only thing that comes out or you is glitter. Then if you really want to mess with his head, leave a little glitter scattered around the bathroom.”—BluzDude

Dear Future Husband, Consider This Your First Honey-Do List

Dear Not-Too-Distant-Future Husband (aka Kiefer),

Since I started blogging, I’ve mentioned qualities that you need to possess. I’ve compiled everything into this post for easier access. You’re welcome.

First, make sure you read the 10 Commandments of My Future Boyfriend. Don’t ever forget them.

To advance to the husband stage, here are a few things you should know about me.

1. I want a baby girl, not a boy.
2. Although I have a high tolerance for pain, I freak out about the prospect of pain, so prepare for permanent hand-squeezing damage during labor.
3. I cry about everything (sometimes to get my way).
4. If I get upset and cry, hug me. I’ll be snotty and gross, but it’ll make the crying stop.
5. The last cookie is always mine. Unless it has nuts. Then it’s yours.

Remember all of these, Future Husband, and we will get along just fine.

Love,

Present-Day Thoughtsy

PS: I reserve the right to add anything awesome that other people include in the comments.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Thoughtsy’s beauty secrets – ‘I glue my left over monobrow to my eyelashes’ brilliant.”—Daile