Santa Put Me on the Nice List This Year

I just wanted to show off a few of my favorite Christmas gifts.

Exhibit A: Giant Candy Bar*

*I don’t have a picture of this.

• Maybe it’s because I keep forgetting to take one and I don’t want to wait any longer on this post.
• Maybe it’s because I hid it from my stepsons, and now I can’t remember where I put it.
• Maybe it’s because I already ate it.
  

The world may never know.

Because every pregnant woman needs a candy bar the length of her arm. This prevents her from actually eating her arm…or someone else’s arm.

Exhibit B: Branded Pillow

My friend Princess made this for me. Awwww….

Exhibit C: Zombie Baby T-Shirt

Because we all know how much I love zombie babies. Thank you, Misty!

What were some of your favorite Christmas gifts that you gave or received?

Favorite Comments From Last Post:

• “Either pickle juice you try, I relish the idea.”—BluzDude
• “With a comment like that, I feel as though you may just be jerkin her gherkin.”—AbsentElemental

Sometimes Baby Showers Surprise You

My baby shower was a couple weeks ago. I was torn. Baby showers have cupcakes, and I wanted cupcakes.

But baby showers also have games, and I didn’t want to play any games. No tasting baby food, no guessing which candy bar is meltily smeared in each diaper (Dear Lord, why would anyone waste a candy bar like that?), and no baby bingo.

Know how to avoid games at a baby shower?

Make it man-friendly. Nobody expects guys to diaper balloons or pin the pacifier on the baby.

However, I did allow a few baby-related decorations, like diaper pins on the cupcakes and rubber duckies in the punch.

My rubber ducky punch was supposed to look like this.

Instead, the rubber ducky punch looked like this:

Rubber Ducky Punch Fail.

At least it still tasted good.

I was also hoping to avoid opening presents in front of everyone. I didn’t want that much attention, and nobody wants to sit through presents of wipes and butt paste.

Then a couple friends asked me to open their presents so they could explain them. So I quickly opened theirs, thanked them, and then looked up to see a crowd gathering.

Noooooo….

So I opened more presents. With the sun beating down on my back and eyes on my tummy, I started perspiring. Misty and Hippie will tell you it was a pregnancy glow because they’re nice. It was sweat.

That’s when I began wondering if it would be rude to spill water all over my lap, yell “My water broke,” and leave my own shower.

Then I got this:

All Mommy Wanted Was a Back Rub

And everyone laughed. And I felt like a jerk. Sure I didn’t want everyone staring at me, but people got me some really cool gifts, and I’m glad that everyone else got to see them…even if they were displayed by a perspiring glowing—just go with it—me.

Mommy’s Little Zombie Hunter, Does This Diaper Make My Butt Look Big?, and The Babe With the Power

All Babies Are Cute. Even Zombie Babies.

Pregnancy makes you stupid. Well, maybe not stupid, but it messes with your mind.

Here’s a perfect example. I mixed up Halloween and Take Your Child to Work Day.

Other examples include…

• Folding clothes that hadn’t been washed yet.
• Forgetting to turn on the crockpot.
• Wearing flip flops to the gym.

Someone may want to give me a call the day before Thanksgiving to remind me about Turkey Day.

What else should I expect to forget?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “My dad always claimed our Milk Duds.  “All Milk Duds go to The House,” he’d say. I remember back when they first brought out those mini “Fun Sized” bars (because I’m old).  Even then, I hated the names and wanted everyone in their Marketing Dept fired.  To me, a “Fun Sized” bar would be about a foot long and as big around as a Subway Sandwich.”—BluzDude

Buy Milk. Ring Mum. Dodge Zombies.

Halloween is tomorrow! To celebrate—and pick up pointers for my costume—I watched Shaun of the Dead. Plus it gave me tips to survive zombie attacks.

Let’s face it. If zombies are going to attack, Halloween is the perfect time because everyone will just assume the zombies are normal people in costume.

On second thought, that might be giving zombies too much credit.

Here’s what I learned:

• To the untrained  eye, zombies look like drunks.
• Think carefully, is that lady trying to kiss you or eat you?
• Throwing a pillow at a zombie will not kill it.
• When the zombie apocalypse happens, head to the bar.
  

  The best way to make it to the bar is to act like a zombie.

• Wrecking your junky car gives you an excuse to drive a cooler car.
• Jumping over a fence will mostly likely lead to it—and you—falling over.
• There is no “i” in “Team,” but there is an “i” in “pie.”
• If you help your exgirlfriend survive a zombie attack, you will win her back.

The most important thing I learned is to watch the news. The poor blokes in this movie didn’t watch the news, so they had no idea that zombies were running around.

I don’t watch the news. That means I’ll be the last one to know the zombie apocalypse has arrived.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I say think big, and register for a year of college tuition.”—Bluzdude

This Halloween Stay Away From Gingerbread Houses

When Kiefer first suggested we watch Hansel and Gretel Get Baked on Netflix Instant Viewing, I was stoked. The title was a pun! Puns equal greatness….sometimes.

Normally, stoner movies are not my thing, but this movie was actually funny. Plus, Cary Elwes is in it…in disguise.

Here’s what I learned:

• I don’t do drugs, but even I would be tempted by a chocolatey one called “Black Forest.”
• Hansel and Gretel’s parents often go on weekend getaways with the Stiltskins.
• If an old lady tells you not to eat her gingerbread house, don’t eat her gingerbread house. If you do, she will eat you.

Resist! Resist!

• Any little old lady from Pasadena that deals drugs is a witch.
• Don’t leave Skittles behind as markers to find your way. Someone (a stoner) will eat them, and you will get lost.

Most importantly, I learned not to do drugs. Ever. Unless you want to be eaten by a witch and turned into a zombie.