Tag Archives: Zombie

How To Turn Your Dog Into a Zombie Killer

Since I’ve been pregnant, Ozzy Pups has gotten…well…protective.

My sweet pups who wanted to greet everyone is now my personal bodyguard.

  • Long gone are the walks where he tried to play with everyone; now he pulls me away from most males on our walks.
  • Long gone are his rapid tail wags when anyone comes to the door; now he barks if I’m home alone.
  • Long gone is my growl-free pups. If I’m home by myself when you visit, prepare to be stared down and even growled at once or twice until Kiefer comes home. Unless you bring children. Ozzy loves children. But don’t worry, once Kiefer comes home, Ozzy Pups will cover you in apology kisses.

Any suggestions on dealing with a pregnancy-protective dog would be much appreciated.

We’ve tried to channel Ozzy’s protectiveness. Specifically, we’re training him to only protect us against zombies.

Here’s how you can do that.

Step 1: Start small. Start with a zombie part.

I suggest this zombie foot.*

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Kiefer will lead you to believe that long cylinder-shaped neon green toy is NOT a dog toy. I assure you, it is.

Step 2: Work your way up to an entire zombie.

I suggest Undead Fred.** Say things like, “Where’s your zombie?” so the dog learns the terminology.

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We’re just chilling…watching some TV.

See how Ozzy befriends Undead Fred and lures him into a false sense of security. Ozzy can now infiltrate the zombie ranks.

Step 3: Show your dog an episode of Walking Dead.

This shows your dog the true nature of zombies and what we do to them. Then say, “Where’s your zombie? GET IT! GET YOUR ZOMBIE!”

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My name is Ozzy Pups. You are a baby-eating zombie. Prepare to die.

Step 4: Undead Fred is now…dead.

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Zombie eliminated.

Ozzy choose to eat Undead Fred’s mouth—the most dangerous part—and then rip out the stuffing brains, so other zombies will assume it was a case of zombie cannibalism.

*The zombie foot and Undead Fred came from ThinkGeek.

**Undead Fred’s name has been changed in case zombies press charges.

Favorite Comment From Last Post:

Doctor: We made a mistake.
Me: Oh s#^t there’s two in there, isn’t there? (In my defense, I was huge)
Doctor: Nope. But it’s not a boy.
Me: Crap. Everything’s blue and there are way too many baseballs.—LauraLord


The Greatest Cover Up of All Time: Osama Is a Zombie

Do you believe in conspiracies? I believe some. For example, I believe that salmonella is a fake disease made-up by adults, so children won’t eat all of the raw cookie dough. Warm cookies are delicious, too.

Recently, I watched movie about another conspiracy. A more important conspiracy.

Brace yourselves….

Osama Bin Laden is not dead. He is undead. He’s a zombie.

Here’s what I learned from watching the movie Osombie:

  • Don’t go swimming  in the ocean. Osombie will eat you.
  • Some guys hate wearing shirts. It could be snowing, and he’d still say he was too hawt hot to wear a shirt.
  • What do our Warfighters need? They need zombie protection.
  • Soldiers don’t need guns to kill zombies; they need Samurai swords.

That’s all I learned…because I didn’t finish watching the movie.

Wait…I did learn a new song: One little, two little, three little zombies. Shoot them in the head and wipe the brains off me.

And the movie did raise a very interesting question: Do zombies poop?

I don’t know. That’s why I didn’t finish watching the movie. I didn’t want to find out.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I have my attorney put a cupcake clause in every contract. I gained so much weight now I also need a Hoveround clause.”—Pegoleg


You’re Going to Die…April Fool’s!

Today I’m wearing my crazy contacts.

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Look deep into my eyes….

Mostly, people are giving me double takes. But a few people have commented on them. What do you think I should say?

Just in case someone decided to play an April Fool’s joke on me, I wanted to be prepared, so I watched the movie April Fool’s Day. Creative movie title, huh? At least you know when it takes place.

Here are some of my thoughts during the movie:

  • Is that Biff?  I didn’t think he was in anything except the Back to the Future movies.
  • In 1986, the “your fly is down” is the most popular joke. And everyone falls for it.
  • In 1986, “Muffy” was an acceptable name for a child.
  • In 1986, the appearance of an evil twin named “Buffy” would not raise any questions.
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This hairstyle should be as popular as Princess Leia’s.

The movie left me with one question.

If someone says you need the bigger bedroom because you need the room, is she calling you “fat” or a “whore?” 

Favorite Comments From Last Post: “…Now the Cadbury crack I can talk about. I haven’t had one in 24 hours, and I am starting to get the shakes.”—Angelia Sims

“Cadbury Creme Crack Eggs…that is spot on. I’ve had a love affair with them since, oh, 1985? I keep waiting for the day when I’ll take a bite and say, “Ooh, it’s just too much…too rich…too sweet.” That day is never going to come. And for that reason, every Easter season, I gain 15 pounds of pure Cadbury Egg fat.—Single and Blogging It


Sammy and Dean, Here I Come!

Instead of being a superhero, I’m considering being a hunter…like Sam and Dean in Supernatural. Maybe I could be their sidekick. And then one of them—I don’t care which one (60% Dean, 40% Sam)—would fall for me, and we could raise our own little pie-eating demon hunters.

I know not to take candy from strangers, but I would totally get in this van.

I know not to take candy from strangers, but I would totally get in this van.

Although I’m an excellent pie eater, I suspect it will take more to impress them, so I decided to brush up on my supernatural knowledge through some movies: ParaNorman and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

I didn’t learn much from ParaNorman. Since it’s a cartoon, I don’t know how reliable of a source it is.

  • You’d think after The Sixth Sense, when a kid says he sees dead people, more alive people would believe him.
  • Your snack will fall from the vending machine before the zombies get you.

With all the Twilight hype, I thought it was important to get another vampire perspective. Plus Honest Abe was President. That makes him a credible source.

  • Vampires don’t sparkle.
  • Vampires don’t like silver.
  • The South lost the Civil War because they were all vampires.
  • You can kill a vampire with your silver watch. But only if you say, “Time to die” while you stab him through the heart with the watch.

Ok, so I totally made up the “Time to die” part. You don’t have to say that, but you should.