The Secret to Time Travel

The other day I was driving by myself. ::ahem:: I was in the car alone. ::ahem:: It was just me. No Scout. No kids. Period.

That never happens.

So I did what any adult that’s been singing “Sesame Street,” “Where Is Thumbkin?,” and “Old MacDonald” would do.

I blasted some Rage Against the Machine. And some Rob Zombie. And some punk music.

Who cares that it was from the late 90s?

You do.

Why? Because listening to that combination of music transports you back to the early 90s.

Whoa.

Excuse me…

How do I know I traveled back in time?

Because I passed a billboard advertising that A Different World was on TV.

Some of you young people are saying, “What’s a billboard?” Some of you even younger people are asking, “What’s A Different World?

A TV show that was on in the late 80s and early 90s. Obviously, I traveled back in time because I don’t know why anyone would need a billboard for a TV show that’s been over for 20 years.

So to recap…

Listening to 90s Music = Time Travel.

You’re welcome.

 

 

 

Damn You, Tom Brady….

I stay home with Scout. I get up at 4 AM, so I can work before she wakes up. During her naps, I do more work. At 4 PM, Scout goes to the child care center in our gym, and I hop on an elliptical and watch Ellen.

For those of you mathematically challenged, that’s 12 hours until I get a break.

Today I was especially excited to watch Ellen because Johnny Depp was a guest (::swoon::).

After mere minutes, a special news report interrupted my program. (Does saying “my program” make me sound old?)

My first thought? NOOOOOOOO! JOHNNY!

My second thought? Damn terrorists.

But it wasn’t terrorists. It was Tom Brady. Damn Tom Brady…talking about how he picks out his footballs. Insert your own joke about a man and his balls here and in the comments.

Seriously?

And although Tom Brady is pretty cute, let’s face it: he’s no Johnny Depp.

I saw this:

Instead of this:

Now I know why people hate the Patriots. Those freakin’ program interrupters….

It’s Rex Manning Day!

I’m declaring today the official Rex Manning Day.  I can do that. I have that authority.

Now we just have to get the President to declare it a Federal holiday. Please sign the petition by commenting below.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about (::head shaking at you, not with you::)…educate yourselves! Watch Empire Records…since my blog is named after that movie. But if you don’t have that kind of time, at the very least, watch the Rex Manning video.

Please celebrate by saying or doing one or more of the following:

• The fat man walks alone.
• Glue quarters to the floor.
• The time to hesitate is through.
• Carry around a couch cushion.
• Leave a red bra on the table of a restaurant.
• What’s with today today?

Happy Rex Manning Day!

I’m Not Hungry…I’m Starving!

Before Scout came along, I wasn’t sure what I thought about breastfeeding, especially after someone told me it felt like your nipple was being slammed in a door, but breastfeeding is great for other reasons (besides nutritional value):

• When you’re tired of visitors, you can hide with the baby in another room and refuse to come out until they leave. Trust me: once the baby is gone, people go home.
• Your husband has to do the dishes or other chores.
• Breastfeeding forces you to sit down, relax, and watch a movie for a Movies Teach Us post…even if you only get to watch it in 20-minute segments.

Recently, I watched The Starving Games, which is a spoof of The Hunger Games. Here’s what I learned:

• People in the Capital dress funny because Lady Gaga was President.
• In the game lottery, enter names like Hugh Janus and Dean Gillberry. They’re funny when they’re announced.

• Kantmiss celebrates with a chest bump before volunteering to save her sister.
• Wedgies can cut you in half. Beware.
• You can put out an entire forest fire with a fire extinguisher.
• Angry birds attack in the Starving Games.
• Kantmiss is invited to join The Avengers.

And most importantly, Chuck Norris doesn’t have a catch phrase because catch phrases need him.*

*Anything about Chuck Norris is always the most important.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I fail to see how donut pants aren’t strategically positioned to be beside the Homer Simpson boxers….”—AbsentElemental

Monday Movie Menagerie: This Post May Save Your Life

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of movies. I’ve also been falling asleep during a lot of movies, which has made writing a Movies Teach Us post difficult.

Here are the bits and pieces of what I’ve learned from the movies I’ve watched over the past month. Feel free to add your own lessons learned.

Hansel and Gretel

• Never walk into a house made of candy.

Don’t go in. The candy isn’t worth it.

• If you’re going to kill a witch, set her on fire.
• Gretel’s a biter.

Red Dawn

• When stealing supplies, remember the bucket of soda.
• Living Call of Duty isn’t as much fun as playing it.

The Hangover Part 3

• You don’t have to have friends to play Word with Friends.
• Giraffes and bridges don’t mix.

Pretty Woman

• Your arm from your wrist to your elbow is the same size as your foot. (I checked this on myself. It’s true.)

I saved this Wrong Turn 4 for last because…well…I’m not really sure what I was thinking when I watched it. Has any movie that’s made it to #4 ever actually been good?

It did, however, provide a lesson that I’m sure all of us will use some day.

Wrong Turn 4

• When inbred cannibals are killing and eating you and your friends, don’t lock them up. Just kill them. It is not the time to pull the “We can’t kill them. We’re not like them” holier-than-thou stance. They will escape and eat you.