What Do Hot Dogs, Cheese, Alcohol, and Kitty Litter Have in Common?

…when you’re pregnant, you can’t eat any of them.

At first, it was tricky to keep the pregnancy a secret. Because when you’re pregnant, you can’t do some stuff. And it’s hard to explain to people why you can’t or why you’re asking dumb questions.

If you’re still in that secretive first trimester, here are a few questions and excuses I came up with:

  • Do these hot dogs have nitrates in them? I can’t mix nitrates with my viagra.
  • Is this cheese pasteurized? Cows eat off the ground, and they don’t use the 5-second rule.
  • Is there alcohol in this daiquiri? I’m revirginizing myself in every sense of the word.
  • Can you empty the litter box for me? I hurt my wrist, and it hurts to scoop.

The most difficult one was when people offered me a drink. Two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, Kiefer and I went out to a friend’s birthday party, where I was repeatedly offered sips of yummy drinks.

So what did I do?

I’m too nice to pull this off.

I can’t pull off “This is for my homies” either.

That’s when I reinstituted “the fake sip.”

I practiced the fake sip during college drinking games. To avoid getting too drunk, I’d bring the cup to my mouth and only pretend to drink. Usually frat boys are too drunk to notice your drink is still full.

After fake sipping someone’s drink, you have to be sure to make a face and say you don’t like it, so they don’t order you your own.

If someone does order you a drink, just give it to your significant other.

Drunk significant others are hilarious.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I like that you aren’t concerned with gender stereotypes. That little boy will be comfortable with his manhood right from the start! Congrats!”—MistysLaws

About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

25 responses to “What Do Hot Dogs, Cheese, Alcohol, and Kitty Litter Have in Common?

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