Tag Archives: sangria

What Do Hot Dogs, Cheese, Alcohol, and Kitty Litter Have in Common?

…when you’re pregnant, you can’t eat any of them.

At first, it was tricky to keep the pregnancy a secret. Because when you’re pregnant, you can’t do some stuff. And it’s hard to explain to people why you can’t or why you’re asking dumb questions.

If you’re still in that secretive first trimester, here are a few questions and excuses I came up with:

  • Do these hot dogs have nitrates in them? I can’t mix nitrates with my viagra.
  • Is this cheese pasteurized? Cows eat off the ground, and they don’t use the 5-second rule.
  • Is there alcohol in this daiquiri? I’m revirginizing myself in every sense of the word.
  • Can you empty the litter box for me? I hurt my wrist, and it hurts to scoop.

The most difficult one was when people offered me a drink. Two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, Kiefer and I went out to a friend’s birthday party, where I was repeatedly offered sips of yummy drinks.

So what did I do?

I’m too nice to pull this off.

I can’t pull off “This is for my homies” either.

That’s when I reinstituted “the fake sip.”

I practiced the fake sip during college drinking games. To avoid getting too drunk, I’d bring the cup to my mouth and only pretend to drink. Usually frat boys are too drunk to notice your drink is still full.

After fake sipping someone’s drink, you have to be sure to make a face and say you don’t like it, so they don’t order you your own.

If someone does order you a drink, just give it to your significant other.

Drunk significant others are hilarious.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I like that you aren’t concerned with gender stereotypes. That little boy will be comfortable with his manhood right from the start! Congrats!”—MistysLaws

Who’s Awesome? I’m Awesome

I just realized today that I flippin’ rock. And I am one tough cookie. I knew that before, but I think I forgot. It’s been a rough month or so.

  • I was strong enough to say, This is what I want. If you can’t give it to me, it’s time for me to go.
  • Kiefer and I broke up, leaving me 2 weeks to find a new place to live.
  • I got sick. The antibiotic the doctor prescribed…you can’t drink while you take it…for a week. Doc, are you trying to kill me? I’m going through a breakup here. Don’t deny me the box o’ sangria.
  • My movers never showed, so I had to scramble to find a truck and some friends to help me move. (Thanks Blarney, Blarney’s boyfriend, and a few others!)

As Bonnie said, “You just can’t hide awesome.”

And my awesomeness is rubbing off on others. Remember the coworker I’m moving to Hawaii with? Her boyfriend is a jerk. Or…I should say her exboyfriend is a jerk.

Coworker: If Thoughtsy can break up with Kiefer, I can break up with my douchebag boyfriend.

 So raise your glass to me and Coworker for continuing the search for happiness. Then leave a comment here about how awful your alcoholic beverage tastes, so I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

Have a wonderful weekend, fellow tough cookies!

The Pure-of-Heart Men Folk (Part 2)

Last week I gave props to some women who have given me some good advice.

But you know what men are good at (sometimes)? Giving advice.

Or in Todd’s case, not giving advice.

Todd Pack: Not going to give you any advice on this, but Sweetie and I dated for 3 years before I proposed, and we got married 7 months later. I’m not saying this will or should happen with you guys. I’m just saying. (Could you please talk to Kiefer? He didn’t get the memo about that being how it works.)

Todd Pack: No good can come from roller disco. None. This is a scientific fact.

Zen Assassin: You should check out The Devil’s Backbone (if you haven’t already). It’s one of Del Toro’s earlier works but just as creepy as anything else he’s done.

Hacking Vegas: All I know is possession is 9/10 the law. With that in mind, you had it in your hand, so it’s yours. If someone feels the need to hand off a drink (instead of downing it) before doing anything, it’s fare game. You did the right thing in taking care of it. Now as far going down for the dancing….. well you did get caught on camera, so I’m going to have to say that’s the true crime here.

Mr. Hacking and I almost had to part ways when he took Kiefer’s sangria-stealing side, but since Mr. Hacking poked fun at the dancing, we’re still cool.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury

Since this is my blog, I get to counter Kiefer’s guest post on his sangria theft.

It’s my blog. I make the rules. And me getting the last word is Rule #5.

Here are the original posts if you need to ketchup (I like spelling it this way):

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I’d like to take this opportunity to address Kiefer’s the Defendant’s questions:

  1. So is someone really a thief if they don’t remember taking something?
  2. What if it was handed to them in the first place?
  3. What if there were not any explicit instructions to NOT drink said sangria?

Question #1

Is the Defense trying for the insanity plea here? Lack of memory is not an adequate defense.

If I don’t remember eating an entire bag of Oreos, will I still gain 5 pounds?

I think memory loss just makes my case even stronger: memory loss from imbibing too much of someone else’s sangria.

Or is the memory loss not from alcohol overindulgence, but in fact from old age? (Yeah, I said it!)

Which would the Defendant rather admit? Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Question #2

When the victim hands the Defendant her purse, is she giving it to him? No. (Although after Blarney’s comment about sticking tampons up Kiefer’s nose….)

Question #3

First off, what’s with the terminology “said sangria?” Don’t you remember Exhibit A?

Isn’t it true that the Defendant has known the victim for 2.5+ plus years now? (From the Jury ::GASP:: And the defendant hasn’t proposed yet? Will there be another trial for that heinous act?)

The Defendant should know that the victim would never turn down sangria. When the victim handed the sangria over, obviously it was for safekeeping. The Defendant violated the sangria trust (Rule #4).

Not to mention, the sangria was handed over so the victim could comfort a friend who was upset. If the Defendant is found Not Guilty, I will never do a good deed again. And that means no more free Starbucks for anyone!

Verdict: Guilty.

Rule #1: I make all of the decisions.

The Sangria Thief’s Defense

A Guest Post by Kiefer

So Thoughts asked me to do a guest post, and she wanted me to write about her annoying me post.

However, I would rather post about the Sangria Episode.  For those that have not read it yet, you need to check it out now.  I’ll wait.

See, if you don’t check it out now, what I write will not make any sense.

For clarification, I had to ask Thoughts what she was talking about.  I don’t remember taking her sangria, for all I know, it was mine to begin with (yes, Thoughts, I finished a sentence with a preposition).

I had her recount the story for me, and I do believe she said, she “handed me [the] sangria and when [Thoughts] came back [I] drank it.”

  • So is someone really a thief if they don’t remember taking something?
  • What if it was handed to them in the first place?
  • What if there were not any explicit instructions to NOT drink said sangria?

No, I should not be arrested for taking a rather tasty sangria.  I should, however, be arrested for getting caught on camera doing the Cupid Shuffle.

As Boo would say, “Peace Out!”