This Is How My Dog Learned to Eat Shoes

Remember back at the beginning of pregnancy when I complained about constantly having to buy bigger bras?

Yeaaaaaah…I had to do that again. But that’s not what this post is about.

The last couple weeks of pregnancy those troubles traveled south. Way south…to my feet.

As in my feet were swollen, not that my boobs were so huge that they touched the floor.

One day I walked around the office in little black bootie/ballet socks and praying that no one would realize I wasn’t wearing shoes. After that, I stole Kiefer’s PF Flyers and wore those to work. Since they’re all black, no one noticed I was wearing sneakers.

My ankles were nearly nonexistent, and every pair of shoes I owned (including the new bigger and wider ones I just bought) were pinching my feet.

I cursed myself for giving Ozzy the most recent shoe box so I couldn’t return the new shoes.

Everyone always posts pictures of cats and boxes, but no one posts about dogs and boxes. In case you were wondering what dogs do with boxes, let me put your mind at rest.

Step 1. Inspect the box for any strange odors.

Step 2. Determine if the box contained food…or is food.

Step 3. Taunt the cat with the new toy box.

Step 4. Determine if the box is indestructible.

Step 5. Destroy the box…but look cute while doing it.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “My life with a newborn was very similar. We put our daughter in the crib the first night and then told her how to work the TV remote and to help herself to anything in the fridge if she woke before us. We were very surprised when she was up….15 minutes later.”—The Waiting

Lesson in Awesomeness #1: Bouncing

The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs.

Tigger is the Man. He’s had it right all along. Bouncing is awesome. Things that bounce are awesome. You can be awesome, too, if you have any of the things listed below.

Exhibit A: Trampoline

As a child (and even as an adult), I wanted a trampoline. You know you want one, too. My parents denied me a trampoline because we couldn’t afford trampoline insurance. I’ll believe anything. What’s that you say? Gullible begins with a “Gh.” No way. Really?

Exhibit B: Pogo Ball

Remember these? A ball of awesome surrounded by a ring of awesome to stand on. It’s like your own little bouncing planet. Once I bounced on it for 12 hours straight. True story.

Exhibit C: The Moon Bounce

Similar to the trampoline, but you can’t bounce quite as high. And you don’t have to worry about bouncing off because it is a little house of bounce. On our first date (a beer festival), Kiefer Sutherland and I tossed a bunch of little kids out on their bony behinds so we could bounce and not squash them.

Ok, not really. It was raining and we just wanted to stay dry. We had no interest in bouncing, and that’s why we tossed the kids out.

That’s not true either. It was a beer festival, so there weren’t many kids, and the moon bounce was empty.

Exhibit D: The Oversized Ball

Similar to the Pogo Ball. It’s so lazy children can bounce and have fun, too. Sometimes people sit on them at their desks at work. They claim it helps their posture, but we all know they bounce when no one’s looking.

Exhibit E: The Tiny Bouncing Ball

These come out of the tiny 25-cent machines at the grocery store. Puddin’ and I used to get them and bounce them as we walked around the mall. I bet they’re 50 cents now. Stupid inflation.

Exhibit F: Moon Shoes

Radley has a pair of these. Moon Shoes are essentially lots of rubber bands. Secret: The weight limit is about 180 pounds, which I’m under, but I’m still afraid to try them out. If they broke, it would shatter my self esteem.

And if you try to do what this little girl is doing, you’ll most likely shatter your bones. You don’t catch that much air.

Now, run along and play with something bouncy. It’ll make you awesome. And be sure to invite me over if you get a moon bounce or trampoline.

That concludes today’s lesson, grasshopper.

Susan G. Komen Run in Washington, DC

As I said in an earlier post, I’m Running for the Cure, and Cupcakes Aren’t Involved. I participated in the Susan G. Komen Global 5K in Washington, DC, on Saturday.

What an experience. Pink everywhere. Anyone who didn’t know people were supporting breast cancer might have thought the world was about to be overpopulated with newborn baby girls.

Some people ran on teams. Award for the best team name goes to Saving Second Base.

Kiefer Sutherland, Boo,  Radley, and I all “ran” the 5K.

Usually I make fun of people who put their children on leashes, but oh, how I wanted one for Boo and Radley at that moment. Boo and Radley are 9 and 7 respectively, and they know better than to randomly disappear.

But in that mess of 40,000+ runners, I panicked the entire time. I remembered Denise’s blog post and thought, “Oh my god, I didn’t take a picture of their shoes!”

I’d say the 4 of us ran about a half to three quarters of a mile before Boo and Radley decided it was time to walk. So for the rest of the 5K, we alternated between walking and running. I lost track of the number of times Kiefer and I said, “Let’s just run to that traffic light, and then we’ll walk again” or “We have to run by the cheerleaders.” Funny how even young boys are motivated to look good for hot cheerleaders.

We finished the run in just under an hour.

One thing that I heard at the run that really disturbed me was that someone believed that “we” already have the cure for breast cancer, but it’s being kept a secret. I can’t even begin to describe how much this saddened me. Are people really that greedy that they’d keep something like that a secret just because of all the money surrounding it? Or maybe I should be asking are people really that into conspiracy theories?

I raised $330 to help fight breast cancer. A big thanks to everyone who sponsored me!

The Dude Says, “Try Walking a Mile in Another Man’s Bowling Shoes”

Look! Kiefer and I got new shoes! And we match!

Just kidding! Last year for Kiefer’s birthday we went to Lebowskifest because Kiefer loves “The Dude.” It was at Strike, a really cool bowling alley with black lights and fun drinks. They show the movie while you bowl, and people dress up as characters from the movie. Fun stuff.

This little outing shows you how much I love Kiefer because I’m not really into bowling. Actually bowling is ok…it’s bowling shoes I have a problem with.  (Before we move on, let me stress that I am indeed wearing socks in this pic; they just slid down.)

Anyone else with me on this shoe business? I’m really picky about what I put on my feet. Probably because I’m selfconscious about my feet. Because they’re BIG. Depending on the brand, I wear a size 10 or 9.5. And I’m big into pedicures as an attempt to pretty them up in the summer.

Most of my shoes are black so I can take advantage of the color’s slimming effect. Quite possible the best compliment I’ve ever received came from my exfiance’s mom (the ex was probably Mephistopheles but his mom was nice).  Anyways, she said, “Your feet are so tiny!”

I swear I teared up.