Piglet Frenched My Daughter: A Mommy Fail

Scout spends her days climbing over Ozzy Pups and crawl-chasing Esme Kitty. Because she loves animals so much, I took her twice (with different “boyfriends”—Kiefer loves it when I say that) to a petting farm.

She especially loved the piggies.

No, I mean she really loved them. And they loved her. Literally.

Piggy Kiss!

Oops.

So was this a Mommy fail? On one hand, she was exposed to some dirt and germs to build up her immune system. On the other hand, ewwww! Germs!

Not to mention the future dating standards. What if Scout never meets someone who can kiss better than that pig? What if he set the bar too high?

Tea Party or Plan to Take Over the World?

About a month ago, Scout started rice cereal. The other day while I was mixing it up, someone stole my seat.

“Move your meat, lose your seat.”

I have no idea what they were talking about, but I’m pretty sure it can’t be good. Esme Kitty is…well…evil a bad influence.

I hope Esme wasn’t trying to corrupt Scout’s innocent little mind.

What do you think Esme told Scout?

• A. Throw me all of your food, ok? Forget about the dog.
• B. If you promise not to grab my tail, I promise not to scratch you. Maybe.
• C. We’re the smallest people in this house, we have to stick together.
• D. It’s fun to trip Mommy. Don’t worry, she likes it. She also likes it when we attack her ankles.
• E. Other

Note: Starting Monday, thoughtsappear.com changes back to thoughtsappear.wordpress.com.

Where’s the Kitty?

Ozzy Pups and Esme Kitty like to play hide and seek.

Only…they’re not very good at it.

Ozzy likes to look in all the logical places Esme might be: like her cat carrier.

Or maybe he’s trying to hide here. I’m not really clear who is hiding and who is seeking.

Esme, on the other hand, prefers to try to squeeze into places she can’t fit.

“If you had less clothes, I would totally fit in here.”

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Luckily our dog that chases things is terribly inept at it and wouldn’t know what to do if he caught anything. The other likes to only eat already dead things. We’re so lucky and blessed!”—The Cannibalistic Nerd

My Dog Ate Your Bird. Oops.

Last week I blogged about the downside to being a stay-at-home mom, which is killing bugs yourself instead of having your husband do it.

There is another downside: dealing with birds.

Ozzy Pups caught a bird in our backyard. It was only a matter of time before this happened.* He’s fast, jumps high, and our neighbors feed all the birds and squirrels constantly so they’re fat and slow.

*Ozzy may have killed a squirrel last summer, but because I didn’t actually see it happen, I just tell myself the squirrel fell from a tree, the fall killed it, and Ozzy just found him.

A wounded, bleeding bird was in my backyard.

I swear the bird looked exactly like this. Book and all.

I should have celebrated and chalked up a point for me in the war against birds, but instead, I felt bad for it.

So what did I do?

I called Kiefer so he could come home and kill it.*

*To put it out of its misery, not because I hate birds.

He refused. So I gave the bird some water and kept Ozzy inside to save the bird from further torment.

Two hours later, the bird flew away.

*I’m not sure how because I’m pretty sure there were more feathers in the yard than on the bird.

Three hours later, my car was covered in bird poo. Coincidence? I think not.

Stay-At-Home Mom Battles Bugs and Wins!

Scout is just over 3 months old, and I love staying home to take care of her and soak up as much of her cuteness as possible.

But being at home also stinks.

Here’s why:

Bugs

I hate bugs. All of them. And last week they teamed up on me.

Never have I ever been stung by a bee, so I’m especially scared of them because I am terrified by the unknown.

I mean, look at childbirth. I’d never been through that before and that was awful. I’m sure bee stings are equally as awful.

So the bee is buzzing around the kitchen window.

I wish the bee looked this friendly.

I decided to grab some paper towels to wrap around my hand to protect it, so I could reach next to the bee to unlatch and open the window.

One problem. There was a spider on the paper towels.

Seriously? Seriously.

A bee and a spider? At the same time. Life is so unfair.

I’ve read Scary Stores to Tell in the Dark, and I know what happens when spiders bite you. This:

So I had a choice to make: bee sting or spider bite.

I decided to take on the bee sans paper towel shield. Luckily, the bee flew out the window without a stinging incident.

Then I ripped off the paper towel and dropped it in the trash and took it outside.

But that’s the downside to being a stay-at-home mom. You have to risk your life to take care of the creepy crawlies yourself.