Tag Archives: Touch My Orange Slices and I’ll Kill You

Want a Pet? Go to IKEA

A month or so ago, Radley’s mom got him a cell phone.

Almost all of our text exchanges involve him sending me pictures. Pictures of desserts, cats, and dogs.

Over the weekend, Kiefer took Boo and Radley to IKEA. A couple hours later, Radley texted me a picture of a cat and said, “Named Phoebe.”

Apparently, IKEA sells cats now.

These cats come free with the shelves.

*IKEA does not sell cats. But IKEA is guaranteed to make your kids so grumpy that you’ll agree to swing by PetSmart on your way home just to put everyone in a better mood.

Thoughtsy: Awwww….

Radley: Dad said we should get her.

Apparently, IKEA will also make your cat-hating husband (who’s only just begun to love your current cat) think adopting another cat is a good idea.

Thoughtsy: I don’t believe you.

Radley: He did. She doesn’t mind dogs and would love another cat around.

Thoughtsy: I’m not sure Esme Kitty would feel the same way.

When Kiefer and my stepsons arrived home, Radley came in first and said, “Wait here. They’re bringing you a surprise.”

Surely IKEA wasn’t bad enough to make Kiefer forget that he’s allergic to cats, that he only recently built up a tolerance to Esme, that the boys barely take care of Ozzy and Esme as it is, and that…oh right…we have a baby arriving in 2.5 weeks!

Boo: We picked you up some orange slices.

Thoughtsy: Thanks! No cat?

Kiefer: No cat.

So, no, IKEA isn’t that bad. But Kiefer also didn’t actually buy anything that needed assembly. If so, we might have ended up with another cat…or two.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Laying down with your feet up….isn’t that maybe how you got yourself into the pregnancy predicament to begin with?”—SandyLand

Never Mess With a Pregnant Woman’s Food

My cravings snuck up on me. No midnight runs for Kiefer. Then one day I looked at the food from the grocery store and saw I’d bought…


Seriously? How stereotypical.

On my next grocery trip, I came home with peaches, chips and dip, Twinkies, and two flavors of pudding Snack Paks.

Thoughtsy: Never send a pregnant woman to the grocery store.

Kiefer: Are you kidding? A pregnant woman is the best person to send to the grocery store.

After that, I decided to control my cravings. I walked by candy orange slices and start salivating, but I resisted buying them. Take that, craving! I win!

The minute I got home, I sent Kiefer out to buy orange slices.

I’ve eaten a gazillion of these little crack slices. At least they count as a fruit.

Every time we got in the car, I made us stop for orange slices. Every. Time.

Thoughtsy: ::buckling seatbelt:: Can we stop and get orange slices?

Kiefer: We’re going out for dinner.

Thoughtsy: Orange slices….

Kiefer: The restaurant is 5 minutes from here.

Thoughtsy: ORANGE SLICES! I’m feeling low on Vitamin C.

Finally, I gave up and just started buying whatever I wanted.

Kiefer: Why are these eggs purple? What did you buy?

Thoughtsy: Pickled eggs. Haven’t you ever had one? They’re good. Don’t be racist against the purple eggs. I eat your cage-free, organic brown eggs.

Kiefer: You are sooooo pregnant.

Thoughtsy: I’ve totally eaten pickled eggs before! I eat them all the time!

Kiefer: When’s the last time you had one?

Thoughtsy: Like 3 years ago. Shut up.

Following the pickled egg debacle, I was on a juice kick. At any given time, at least 4 bottles of juice were in our refrigerator.

Kiefer: Hurry up and finish your pickles. We don’t have room for all this juice.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “My Noah was a girl for five minutes. Then he grew a penis. Right there on the ultrasound. So boy.”—Kimberly Pugliano