Where’s the Kitty?

Ozzy Pups and Esme Kitty like to play hide and seek.

Only…they’re not very good at it.

Ozzy likes to look in all the logical places Esme might be: like her cat carrier.

Or maybe he’s trying to hide here. I’m not really clear who is hiding and who is seeking.

Esme, on the other hand, prefers to try to squeeze into places she can’t fit.

“If you had less clothes, I would totally fit in here.”

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Luckily our dog that chases things is terribly inept at it and wouldn’t know what to do if he caught anything. The other likes to only eat already dead things. We’re so lucky and blessed!”—The Cannibalistic Nerd

She Is Her Mother’s Cat

The vet told me my cat was fat. At 11 pounds, he said she should be 9. So I put her on a diet, and she’s not happy about it.

I wish I could be more like Esme. She’s completely happy in her slightly chunky skin and wants nothing to do with the dieting.

Recently, she’s taken to doing the following:

• Drinking the leftover milk from my cereal.
• Picking the ham out of my scrambled eggs while it’s cooking on the stove.
• Pawing at me until I give her my chips. (Ok, ok, she’s always done this.)

The chip thing is really helping me with my portion control. I can only eat about 3 chips before Esme hears the bag comes running.

But last week, she did something that brought a tear to my eye.

At first, I thought she was raiding my vodka stash.

To celebrate our new house, I made The Domestic Rebel’s Birthday Cake 7-Layer Bars. And Esme tried to eat my dessert! It broke my little heart to scream “No!” at her and cover it.

I’ll let you caption this picture:

1. You are getting very sleepy. Now take off the lid, biatch.
2. Please, please, take off the lid.
3. Why do you hate me?
4. Damn you, opposable thumbs.
5. Other:

Favorite Comment from Last Post: “The poster creeps me out. Her eyes are like the sea. And I can’t swim. So yeah… Makes perfect sense to me. Just thought… Was I meant to type something nice about the play rather than my own idiosyncracies? Ahh well. What’s done is done.”—AndTodayFolks

Because I Love You

Usually in human-pet relationships, the human is the “parent,” and the pet is the “child.”

Sometimes Esme gets confused, and she tries to be the parent. Usually she uses discipline: she scratches me.

Just when I start to wonder if Esme really loves me or if she just loves scratching me, she does something a loving parent would do.

She sleeps by my head to…

• Keep it warm.
• Keep it from hitting the wall.
• Act like a helmet in case psychokillers break-in in the middle of the night.

Or she sleeps by my head because she knows her loud purring will wake me up an hour before my alarm, annoying me so much that I may get up and feed her just to get her to stop.

That might be it.

Fire Safety Tips From My Cat

Esme recently discovered my apartment’s fireplace. I never use it because it’s wood-burning, not gas. And a real fire in my apartment means easy access to smores 24/7 which means packing on 5 extra pounds  just seems like a recipe for disaster.

You can’t see me.

I’m not sure why she’s always in there, but I have a few ideas:

• Santa Claus is her idol.
• She thinks it’s the safest place to be during an earthquake.
• In case the apartment catches on fire, she has an escape route.
• She’s auditioning for a play in which she will play…a log.

How do you close this? I need some priv-a-cy.

Why is Esme Kitty in the fireplace? Does your pet have a favorite spot?

My Cat Loves Cake More Than Me

That title is a lie. Nobody loves cake more than me. Nobody.

You know what cake makes me think of? TV.

I know that doesn’t make sense right now, but just go with it. Trust me.

I like to have the TV on while…

• I’m folding laundry.
• I’m practicing my pushups or doing the 100 work-out.
• I should be practicing my sign language.
• I’m baking.
• I’m trying to fall asleep….

I like background noise sometimes. The keyword there is background. I’m a pretty quiet person, and sometimes people who talk a lot annoy me.

Anyways…currently, I’m watching Cake Boss on Netflix. (Now you see the cake TV connection, don’t you?) My reasons for liking this show should be obvious, but in case you’re new here: I have a dessert addiction. (There. I admitted it. Step 1 complete!)

And now…Esme has a dessert addiction. Or she really likes Buddy the Baker.

Excuse me, sir. May I please have some cake?

Must have cake....

No claws on the screen, Esme.