Over the weekend, I tried to watch a lot movies on Netflix Instant Viewing.
I turned most of them off after 10 minutes (i.e., Cheerleader Ninjas and Da Hip Hop Witch—Don’t be fooled. Eminem may be in it, but it’s still a B movie.), but I then I stumbled across John Dies at the End.
I know what you’re thinking because I thought it, too: Interesting title. Except now I know how it ends. Buuuuuut…what if that’s not how it ends? What if the title is a trick? Or it’s opposite day.
There was only one thing to do. Watch it.
Here’s what I learned:
- “Tomorrow’s the day we kill the President” means “Pick up some beer.”
- If a girl explodes and bursts into snakes, she’s a ghost.
- If a doorknob turns into a penis, men consider the door unopenable…even if it’s unlocked.
- There is a drug called “Soy Sauce.”
- Just because you rip a guy’s arm off doesn’t mean the arm still can’t strangle you.
- Any injuries to your face can be explained in this way: “I fell…on a drill.”
Most importantly, I learned it’s a crime to unleash giant killer spiders on an unarmed crowd. It’s called arachnacide.
How many years in prison should you get for arachnacide?
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