Casper the Not-Water-Conservation-Friendly Ghost

Remember how I told you our new house was haunted? I’ve been waivering  on whether or not I believe it.

A friend’s exhusband and their children who lived in the house relayed to us that the most common place for stuff to happen was in the bathroom (and Boo’s closet). Apparently, one of the favorite things for the spirit to do is turn on the sink faucet.

Riiiiiiight….

The day after she told us that Kiefer took Ozzy for a walk and I picked up our dinner. When I came back, Kiefer and Ozzy were still gone, but I heard something in the bathroom. The water in the sink was running.

What the….

So now all I’m picturing is something scary standing over the baby’s crib, like this:

Yellow-eyed demons eat babies…

And we all know what yellow-eyed demons do to baby mamas.

Death by ceiling fire…

It’s been nice knowing all of you. Please use the comments to call dibs on my personal belongings.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I still catch the Husband occasionally saying to his friends, ‘Yeah I’m going to go hang out with my girlfriend…I mean wife. I’m going with my wife. I don’t have a girlfriend. Just a wife. Yeah….”—LauraLord

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Casper the Positive-Energy Ghost

When Kiefer and I bought our house, we knew there was…a history.

The house was built in the 1930s, but the most recent owner had a sad story. Her daughter died in a car accident, and her son was so distraught he committed suicide. And who knows what happened before they lived there.

When a friend came to visit, she walked in and said…

Friend: Oooo…do you feel that?

Thoughtsy: What?

Friend: There’s something here. But don’t worry: it’s good.

Another friend said, “The house has an energy, but it’s a positive energy. The lady who lived here was so nice. And don’t worry: the boy didn’t die in the house.”

Fantastic. Why can’t our house have no energy?

Kiefer has had a lot of fun with “the energy.”

Kiefer: Where are my socks? The ghost moved them! Why is there a wet towel on the bed? Did you hear that knocking? The ghost is trying to communicate.

Thoughtsy: Jerk….

Ghosts don’t shower and throw their towels on the bed. Little boys do.

A few nights, when I’ve woken up to pee, the bookcase lights in the baby’s room have been on. It’s just a touch pad on the shelf that I’m sure Esme Kitty plays with and turns on, but it’s still freaky at 1 in the morning.

Then last night…::shines flashlight on face::…after Kiefer and I went to bed, Esme started hissing. Hissing like I’ve never heard her hiss before.  And not just 1 or 2 hisses, she went on and on.

Ozzy Pups was laying at the bottom of our bed, so he wasn’t tormenting her.

Thoughtsy: Kiefer! Something’s wrong. Esme’s hissing.

Kiefer: Huh?

I got up only to see that Kiefer had fallen back asleep. I flipped on every light switch I passed on my search for Esme. Ozzy Pups woke up and came with me.

We found Esme sitting calmly on the back of the recliner in the living room. I gave her a few pets before heading back to bed.

Positive energy doesn’t make cats hiss.

John Dies at the End…Or Does He?

Over the weekend, I tried to watch a lot movies on Netflix Instant Viewing. 

I turned most of them off after 10 minutes (i.e., Cheerleader Ninjas and Da Hip Hop Witch—Don’t be fooled. Eminem may be in it, but it’s still a B movie.), but I then I stumbled across John Dies at the End.

I know what you’re thinking because I thought it, too: Interesting title. Except now I know how it ends. Buuuuuut…what if that’s not how it ends? What if the title is a trick? Or it’s opposite day.

There was only one thing to do. Watch it.

Here’s what I learned:

• “Tomorrow’s the day we kill the President” means “Pick up some beer.”
• If a girl explodes and bursts into snakes, she’s a ghost.
• If a doorknob turns into a penis, men consider the door unopenable…even if it’s unlocked.
• There is a drug called “Soy Sauce.”
  

  The first hit is free….

• Just because you rip a guy’s arm off doesn’t mean the arm still can’t strangle you.
• Any injuries to your face can be explained in this way: “I fell…on a drill.”

Most importantly, I learned it’s a crime to unleash giant killer spiders on an unarmed crowd. It’s called arachnacide.

How many years in prison should you get for arachnacide?

Favorite Comment From Last Post:

• “Happy birthday! Is that an apple over on the right? What’s that doing there?”—Laura
• “Happy Birthday! Rock the hardness all day! Wait. That doesn’t sound right….”—SusieLindau

Let’s Make a Pact: No Psychos in the House

When I was little, I always thought it would be cool to have a house with hidden rooms and secret passages.

Now, as a semi-adult, I realize that would be an awful idea. What if I got stuck in a hidden room? No one would be able to find me. Or, even worse…what if there was a secret room that I didn’t know about, and a psychokiller lived in that room?

The Pact is a perfect example of why secret rooms are a bad idea.

Why buy a Ouija board when you can draw your own?

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• Always pee with the door open. Even when other people are in the house.
• If you run outside after a ghost attack, don’t get too comfortable. You have to go back inside to get the child you forgot.
• If someone turns down ice cream, she’s definitely been attacked by a ghost.
• When at a motel, it’s totally safe to walk outside to the vending machine in only your tanktop and undies.
• It’s also totally safe to ride your motorcycle in the same outfit…as long as you put on a helmet.

Most importantly, I learned that just because a movie is called “The Pact” doesn’t mean there’s a pact mentioned in the movie…ever.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Norma Jean definitely loves me. She was meowing constantly at about midnight last night so I got up to see what her problem was because sometimes she talks to the ceiling. She found a bug. And she killed it. That’s true love.”—SugarDishMe

Sammy and Dean, Here I Come!

Instead of being a superhero, I’m considering being a hunter…like Sam and Dean in Supernatural. Maybe I could be their sidekick. And then one of them—I don’t care which one (60% Dean, 40% Sam)—would fall for me, and we could raise our own little pie-eating demon hunters.

I know not to take candy from strangers, but I would totally get in this van.

Although I’m an excellent pie eater, I suspect it will take more to impress them, so I decided to brush up on my supernatural knowledge through some movies: ParaNorman and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

I didn’t learn much from ParaNorman. Since it’s a cartoon, I don’t know how reliable of a source it is.

• You’d think after The Sixth Sense, when a kid says he sees dead people, more alive people would believe him.
• Your snack will fall from the vending machine before the zombies get you.

With all the Twilight hype, I thought it was important to get another vampire perspective. Plus Honest Abe was President. That makes him a credible source.

• Vampires don’t sparkle.
• Vampires don’t like silver.
• The South lost the Civil War because they were all vampires.
• You can kill a vampire with your silver watch. But only if you say, “Time to die” while you stab him through the heart with the watch.

Ok, so I totally made up the “Time to die” part. You don’t have to say that, but you should.