I recently watched a few episodes of 1,000 Ways to Die. At first, I was capitavated by the names they gave each death: Fang Banged, Midnight Choker, Abracadaver.
From tvrage.com
Then I started taking notes because some of these people were dying from things I was planning on adding to my 35 Before 35 List.
Now I know better.
Here’s what I had been considering:
- Snorting fire ants up my nose.
- Purposely eating a tape worm to drop a few pounds.
- Swallowing a cue ball.
- Smoking a cigarette with a oxygen tank in my lap.
- Fishing.
Phew. Dodged that bullet.
Bwahahaha! Morons!
Then one episode made me stop laughing. I learned chocolate can kill you. Never ever start throwing cocoa powder around in an enclosed area because you will die.
Dude, that’s not funny. That coulda been me.
Thoughts Appear 
September 6th, 2011 at 7:59 am
You should know better than to try fishing. I mean, COME ON. What, did the dude die of boredom?
September 6th, 2011 at 9:35 am
I saw 2 episodes where the people died from fishing. To catch fish, one guy electrified the pond and himself. And the other girl yanked her fish from the water…and it flew into her mouth…so she choked to death.
September 6th, 2011 at 10:09 am
Is this like, “Final Destination” the reality show? I would bet that when fishermen die, it’s because they… you know… DROWN. (probably from falling asleep).
September 6th, 2011 at 8:20 am
Wait, back up. Why would throwing chocolate around an enclosed space kill you? I mean, what if I’m baking a cake (stop laughing, it could happen some day!) and I accidentally drop the cocoa and it flies up in the air? Will I die? Well, just to be safe, no baking for me. I mean, it’s probably safe for everyone that I not do that, but now for my own personal safety as well. Thanks for the heads up!!
September 6th, 2011 at 9:37 am
The cocoa powders coats something in your lungs…and then you can’t breathe. You would have to drop A LOT of cocoa…LOTS of times. So you’re probably safe.
September 6th, 2011 at 8:23 am
Good lord, those are some horrific ways to die… who the heck swallows a cue ball????
September 6th, 2011 at 9:36 am
The guy had crazy strong throat muscles and could swallow pool balls and then push them back up and out his throat. But the cue ball is slightly heavier…so he died.
September 6th, 2011 at 10:52 am
How do you find that stuff out in the first place? Just decide one day to try swallowing pool balls?
September 6th, 2011 at 8:28 am
It looks like I shall never watch that if it talks about death by chocolate!
September 6th, 2011 at 9:38 am
I think that had to have been the one that wasn’t real. I refuse to believe it!
September 6th, 2011 at 8:44 am
I’ve heard of people on oxygen dying horrible deaths because they lit a cigarette.
I’ll bet the guy who swollowed a cue ball’s last words were, “Hey, hold my beer. Hey, y’all watch this!”
September 6th, 2011 at 9:38 am
I think you’re right. Those were his last words!
September 6th, 2011 at 8:46 am
So the moral of the story is always buy your chocolate in a hardened form, snort only small non-fire ants, suck on golf balls because they’re smaller than a cue ball, don’t rely on a tapeworm to lose weight just stop eating, keep your oxygen tank on the floor next to you while you smoke your cigarette and don’t go fishing, go sharking. Right?
September 7th, 2011 at 7:54 am
I think you got it. You should write a book…or have your own TV show that’s on right before or after 1000 Ways to Die.
September 6th, 2011 at 8:58 am
At least it wasn’t death by Pop Tart. That would be the real tragedy for you.
Eulogy: “She lived in death as she lived in life. A victime of Poptarts…”
September 7th, 2011 at 7:55 am
I can’t imagine that kind of death. Maybe if a toaster caught on fire. That sounds more like something that might happen with a Toaster Strudel though.
September 6th, 2011 at 9:46 am
Wait… snorting fire ants is a problem? Damn.
September 7th, 2011 at 7:55 am
I know! I thought if Ozzy did it, it was safe. I guess not.
September 7th, 2011 at 8:50 am
Ahh, I see you’ve been reading the how to book “Life Lessons” by Ozzy Osbourne again. Please back away from the chicken . . .
September 6th, 2011 at 10:55 am
Yeah, I saw a couple of those shows and some of the stuff was just horrifying. Sorry about your 35 list, though.
September 6th, 2011 at 11:42 am
OMG are you serious? You can’t throw coca powder around in an enclosed area? What happens?
*slowly backing away and off to find a test subject
September 7th, 2011 at 7:55 am
Back away from the cocoa powder….
September 6th, 2011 at 11:49 am
Finally! A perk to being allergic to chocolate. See, I will never be at risk of dying this way, because I can’t even handle the stuff.
Score!
September 7th, 2011 at 7:56 am
Glad I could help you find a positive!
September 6th, 2011 at 12:11 pm
OK, clearly I have no faith in humanity because not a single one of these surprised me. Except:
SWALLOWING A CUE BALL? What the flying fuck was this person thinking?
September 7th, 2011 at 7:57 am
I think I can field that question. He wasn’t thinking.
September 6th, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Ugh, I had to quit watching that show. I’m paranoid enough as it is. Did you see the one about the guy who froze in the plane cargo hold and the dude who put mace up his hooha? Ughhhh.
September 7th, 2011 at 7:58 am
I didn’t see the plane one, but I did see the mace one. Ewwwww….
September 6th, 2011 at 12:48 pm
baaaaahahahaha.
hilarious.
dude, cocoa powder is scary shit.
don’t even think for a second it’s not.
September 7th, 2011 at 8:00 am
I’ll never underestimate it’s power again.
September 6th, 2011 at 1:03 pm
(gasp!) chocolate?
fuck
September 7th, 2011 at 7:59 am
Finding that out was a sad, sad day for me.
September 6th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
If my husband started watching that, we’d probably live in a plastic bubble. he’s the apocalyptic kind…the world is ending on 12/21/12…you know…
September 7th, 2011 at 8:00 am
Crap…. There’s no way I can finish my list by then.
September 6th, 2011 at 1:15 pm
Honey, are you sure you are making the right choices for your viewing pleasure? This sounds a little, well, dark to me.
September 7th, 2011 at 8:10 am
It’s kind of a self-esteem booster.
1. I’m still alive.
2. I’m as stupid as the people on the show.
September 6th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Why would anyone purposely swallow a tapeworm?! *shudder*
September 7th, 2011 at 8:11 am
She wanted to drop a few pounds.
I want to drop a few pounds, too. But I guess I’m doing it the old-fashioned way with exercise.
September 6th, 2011 at 2:13 pm
*shudder* I remember one episode where a model nicked herself shaving, and woke up the next morning to see her face had started eating itself – she got an infection when she got cut that turned into a flesh-eating disease… This must mean we can stop shaving! Mwahaha!
September 7th, 2011 at 8:12 am
I saw that one, too! Ewwww….
September 6th, 2011 at 5:56 pm
i refuse to believe that chocolate would harm me… just too cruel to imagine.
September 6th, 2011 at 8:55 pm
OMG! I’m phobic enough already!
September 6th, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Pop Tart Queen….do me a favor please and please let me know if you see an episode about how Skittles can kill you….. That would be my nightmare 🙂
September 7th, 2011 at 8:25 am
I haven’t seen one yet. I thought of you this weekend though when I heard about Skittles-Infused Vodka.
September 6th, 2011 at 9:03 pm
I fucking love that show. My favorite was the one where the guy got his asshole stuck on the vent in the hot tub and had all his intestines sucked out. Yeah, I’m sick. I’ll admit it. I laughed like a hyena at that one.
September 7th, 2011 at 8:30 am
Ouch! I totally missed that one. I think I’m glad I missed that one. The butt ones make me clench.
September 6th, 2011 at 11:47 pm
Dammit I wanted to be with you when you snorted fire ants. Maybe we can try carpenter ants, they can’t do much damage right?
September 7th, 2011 at 8:30 am
Maybe we should stay away from ants and try something totally different. Gnats?
September 7th, 2011 at 12:02 am
My mother claims my aunt got a tape worm from eating raw cookie dough. They discovered it when she was six and hit by a drunk driver. Apparently, when the car struck her the tape worm flew out of her mouth…True story!
September 7th, 2011 at 8:31 am
Wow…but I love eating raw cookie dough!
September 7th, 2011 at 6:25 am
the cocoa powder one freaked me out, too — I mean, a big cloud of it poofs out whenever you open the package, so technically, THE SWISS MISS IS TRYING TO KILL US ALL!
September 7th, 2011 at 8:32 am
I didn’t even think about Swiss Miss…oh…my…god!
September 7th, 2011 at 6:54 am
I tried watching the first episode… waaaay too disturbing for me, couldn’t even get through the entire episode…
September 7th, 2011 at 8:33 am
Some of them do freak me out, and I feel sad for the people who it was truly an accident, but I also enjoy laughing at the morons a little.
September 7th, 2011 at 8:26 am
Ha! This show is so ridiculous! Did you see the one where the couple died after playing around in a giant helium balloon?
September 7th, 2011 at 8:34 am
I haven’t seen that one yet. I’ll work my way up to it.
September 7th, 2011 at 12:09 pm
That oxygen tank thing should be illegal. We go to this hole in the wall bar where little people tote their oxfen tanks with one hand and smoking with the other. Well I should say we used to go to that bar.
September 7th, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Well, well Mr Bond- shall I describe how you will die today? My bevy of nubile Swiss Misses have already begun to sprinkle you with the finest 95% dark cocoa powder….bwahahahaha……..Do not bother to try to escape- we have buttered all the door knobs!
September 7th, 2011 at 5:26 pm
That reminds me of those Death by Chocolate things on Saturday Night Live. It was funny, but creepy…. Abracadaver is the funniest name.
September 8th, 2011 at 4:45 am
haha i loved your post
September 12th, 2011 at 9:31 am
haha! Ok, since we’re talking about being scared to death… the other day I saw my first ever episode of “Scare Tactics”. Have you ever seen that show?? This was what they were playing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIiDm7j7c0w …. yeah, not cool.