Dear Not-Too-Distant-Future Husband (aka Kiefer),
Since I started blogging, I’ve mentioned qualities that you need to possess. I’ve compiled everything into this post for easier access. You’re welcome.
First, make sure you read the 10 Commandments of My Future Boyfriend. Don’t ever forget them.
To advance to the husband stage, here are a few things you should know about me.
- I want a baby girl, not a boy.
- Although I have a high tolerance for pain, I freak out about the prospect of pain, so prepare for permanent hand-squeezing damage during labor.
- I cry about everything (sometimes to get my way).
- If I get upset and cry, hug me. I’ll be snotty and gross, but it’ll make the crying stop.
- The last cookie is always mine. Unless it has nuts. Then it’s yours.
Remember all of these, Future Husband, and we will get along just fine.
Love,
Present-Day Thoughtsy
PS: I reserve the right to add anything awesome that other people include in the comments.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Thoughtsy’s beauty secrets – ‘I glue my left over monobrow to my eyelashes’ brilliant.”—Daile
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July 16th, 2013 at 7:44 am
I can help with #2 . . . drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. No pain/hand crushing necessary! You’re welcome.
July 16th, 2013 at 12:29 pm
But don’t drugs require needles?
July 16th, 2013 at 2:48 pm
When I went into labor with my son I didn’t have an epidural, but I did still have drugs and they just put ’em straight into my IV.
July 17th, 2013 at 7:11 am
Woo-hoo! Not that I’m a fan of IVs either.
July 17th, 2013 at 7:34 am
Me neither- it took them several attempts to find the vein
BUT I forgave them because the drugs they gave me would make me doze off. I’d get up to go to the bathroom and then it’d be time for more. Great cycle 😀
July 16th, 2013 at 7:49 am
Just because you are married, doesn’t mean that the surprises and gifts stop (; (Maybe my boyfriend can get a hint. hehe Jk)
July 16th, 2013 at 12:30 pm
I’ve been getting lots of gifts. It’s kinda freaking me out. I figure it’ll stop in a few months.
July 16th, 2013 at 12:33 pm
Ha! I wouldn’t complain over that (; I hope you are enjoying the engaged life. (:
July 16th, 2013 at 8:05 am
1. – Boys are the easier children … Girls argue the hell out of you. I know, I have been a girl all my life – and will continue to argue till they have shot my tongue after my death – again. Just saying. All the princess-years of the first 8 years aren’t worth the living hell you have in her puberty.
2. Tell HTB (husband to be) he has got to get a little deaf over the years – and promise him you might get a little blind 😉 Those are the longlasting marriages they say.
3. Diamonds may be your best friends – but make sure to pronounce the plural! – Still demand a continental kiss on the hand now and then!
Do not cease to demand things he does or gives. Men need mono-syllable orders. Do not forget to praise after he did what he should.
4. HTB should always make sure he does not take you for granted. You are a goddess – as every woman – you demand constant worshipping. With or without the smallest part of a chain around your finger.
July 16th, 2013 at 10:54 am
Boys are more selfish than girls, when they’re grown and you need their help.
July 16th, 2013 at 11:53 am
When you need somebody to help do never count on your kids – you will never know, if they are able to help you, when you have kids.
July 16th, 2013 at 12:30 pm
Kiefer already has 2 boys, so I need a girl.
July 16th, 2013 at 12:39 pm
What if he belongs to one of those men who can only ever do boys? Ah, I know, make the midwife at the birth slap hard enough, so the small wiggly thing falls off – and the child will turn out intelligent 😉
July 16th, 2013 at 8:23 am
Girls are way cuter to dress up right? Please tell me you will do matching outfits?!!
July 16th, 2013 at 12:31 pm
I hadn’t thought about mother-daughter outfits. But I had a Cabbage Patch Doll I matched, so daughter-doll outfits are a definite.
July 16th, 2013 at 8:24 am
Would that all women issue such simple commands…
July 16th, 2013 at 8:49 am
I shudder to think what would happen if he ever disobeys #5.
July 16th, 2013 at 12:32 pm
It wouldn’t be pretty.
July 16th, 2013 at 9:36 am
Amen about the cookie and hugs!
July 16th, 2013 at 9:38 am
6. When I’m cold, I shall warm my feet under your warm legs (or back or arm pits or…anything else that may be useful). Ensure my warmness for ultimate marital satisfaction.
July 18th, 2013 at 10:31 am
I love, love, love, this post and the comments!
July 16th, 2013 at 10:12 am
He *has* to do that ONE chore you hate. Mine is vacuuming. The hubs should do it (regularly) and without being asked. Or told.
July 16th, 2013 at 12:32 pm
Ironing. Half way through a shirt I’m always like, “Ehhh…close enough.”
July 16th, 2013 at 10:26 am
I hope Kiefer appreciates that you’ve pretty much written his wedding vows for him. Now all that’s left for him to do is step away from the nutless cookies and produce female progeny.
Piece of cake.
Speaking of which, you might want to make set some clear cake boundaries while you’re at it.
July 16th, 2013 at 10:27 am
“…make set” — It’s a little idiom I picked up while living in the South. Like “might could”.
July 16th, 2013 at 12:33 pm
You are so worldly…stately?
July 16th, 2013 at 5:53 pm
I so totally want to be a Southern belle, living in my little seaside cottage in South Carolina, helping sea turtle hatchlings find their way into the surf.
It might could happen. Probably won’t, but might could!
July 16th, 2013 at 1:33 pm
I think #2 might need to be amended. While permanent hand-squeezing damage during labor is a given, I think you can be a tad more demanding here. From what I’ve heard, that labor nonsense is horrific. I can guarantee that, with every hour of hypothetical labor that I may have to endure, I will demand a new treat or else “I will stop and turn this birth around right now.” I figure I can blame any logical inconsistencies on the drugs, right?
July 17th, 2013 at 7:15 am
That would be so up my alley except I heard you can’t eat. SOmeone needs to invent Pop-Tart-flavored ice chips ASAP.
July 16th, 2013 at 3:07 pm
I just read something about a “Honey-do list” in a book today and wondered what it meant, then I come to your blog and see the same phrase. I will neverget my head around all these Americanisms 😉
July 17th, 2013 at 7:20 am
Every time I hear the term I think of that icky green fruit.
July 16th, 2013 at 4:21 pm
Hand crushing labour – it’s his due for not carrying the baby! 😉
Cheers
Choc Chip Uru
P.S. To prepare for my exams now I won’t be commenting for around 4 weeks – See you in a month my friend 🙂
July 17th, 2013 at 7:22 am
Good luck on exams!
July 16th, 2013 at 6:42 pm
No Pop-Tart rule? Let me guess–Kiefer doesn’t like them. 🙂
July 17th, 2013 at 7:22 am
He likes them. He just knows better.
July 17th, 2013 at 12:29 pm
Good man.
July 16th, 2013 at 7:11 pm
You might want to add that he is in charge of cleaning up all cat puke.
July 17th, 2013 at 7:23 am
Ozzy took care of that for me the other day. Gag!
July 17th, 2013 at 12:31 am
Very Nice and reasonable list i must say!! 😉
July 17th, 2013 at 6:36 am
My husband still hasn’t figured out #4 yet…lol
July 17th, 2013 at 7:23 am
I think guys are snot-o-phobes.
July 17th, 2013 at 10:53 am
Men understanding emotions is quite alien.. 😛
July 17th, 2013 at 9:18 pm
Great list! You might want to add that he must be able to go to the pharmacy to buy you tampons/pads/hemorrhoid cream (especially after labor)…and when you guys are older HE has to pick up his own prescription of Cialis/Viagra. 🙂 You can also add breakfast in bed at least once or twice a week AND that you are always going to be right! 🙂
July 18th, 2013 at 10:30 am
[…] Dear Future Husband, Consider This Your First Honey-Do List. […]
July 20th, 2013 at 12:48 am
Future Husband shall not disagree with home decor, as Future Wife will not suggest which brand of lawn mower to purchase.
July 22nd, 2013 at 10:04 am
Simple enough list, he should be able to handle it easily 🙂