Dear Future Husband, Consider This Your First Honey-Do List

Dear Not-Too-Distant-Future Husband (aka Kiefer),

Since I started blogging, I’ve mentioned qualities that you need to possess. I’ve compiled everything into this post for easier access. You’re welcome.

First, make sure you read the 10 Commandments of My Future Boyfriend. Don’t ever forget them.

To advance to the husband stage, here are a few things you should know about me.

1. I want a baby girl, not a boy.
2. Although I have a high tolerance for pain, I freak out about the prospect of pain, so prepare for permanent hand-squeezing damage during labor.
3. I cry about everything (sometimes to get my way).
4. If I get upset and cry, hug me. I’ll be snotty and gross, but it’ll make the crying stop.
5. The last cookie is always mine. Unless it has nuts. Then it’s yours.

Remember all of these, Future Husband, and we will get along just fine.

Love,

Present-Day Thoughtsy

PS: I reserve the right to add anything awesome that other people include in the comments.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Thoughtsy’s beauty secrets – ‘I glue my left over monobrow to my eyelashes’ brilliant.”—Daile

10 Commandments of My Future Boyfriend

Being single (and reflecting on past relationships) helps you realize what you want in your new relationship.

I made a list. I really like lists if you haven’t noticed.

1. Thou shall list Facebook Relationship Status as “In a Relationship With Thoughtsy.”
2. Thou shall not ever give me unfrosted Pop-Tarts.
3. Thou shall like chocolate. Or not like. I’m not sure. Is it better to have the chocolate all to myself or to have someone to share it with for weight management purposes?
4. Thou shall not tell lies.
5. Thou shall occasionally read my blog.
6. Thou shall make me the rainbow pancakes once.
7. Thou shall make me feel loved and wanted.
8. Thou shall like cuddling.
9. Thou shall not get mad when I touch your bare skin with my icy cold fingers.
10. Thou shall carry me around occasionally.

So, yeah…I think that’s it. I’m pretty low maintenance. #4 and #7 should be givens, but even a couple of my “good guy” exboyfriends occasionally fudged those up.

 

#10 is especially important. I’m 5’7″. That means I’m the tall girl, so not many guys are tall enough to throw me over their shoulder or carry me around.

 

Carrying me around is important. Not because I’m lazy…Well, a little because I’m lazy. Mostly because I used to be heavier and now that I’m a carry-able weight, I like to be reminded that I’m light and fluffy. Maybe fluffy was the wrong word…. Look, it’s just important, ok?

 

It makes me feel light and skinny. And when I feel skinny, it’s a good day…for everyone within my 5-mile radius.

 

Am I missing any Commandments?

 

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “The fact that phone sex jobs don’t offer health insurance is exactly why we need health care reform in this country. Also, certain styles of panty make excellent eye patches.”—JM Randolph