What We Have Here Is a Failure to Communicate

After I read The Hot Zone, I shared my newfound Ebola knowledge with Kiefer, also known as Mr. I-Go-To-Africa-All-The-Flippin’-Time.

(I’m fine, by the way. Turns out I don’t have Ebola. Phew. Thanks for asking.)

I spared him the Ebola symptoms and just said, “It’s bad, dude. Real bad.” And then I gave him specific locations in Africa to avoid.

• Kitum Cave (contains Ebola and Marburg viruses)
• Ebola River (It’s called “Ebola River” for a reason.)
• AIDS Highway (Again, self explanatory.)

You know where in Africa Kiefer is going?

Right there. See where it says AIDS Highway, Ebola River, and Kitum Cave? (I circled them for you.) He’ll be in that area.

Fan-tastic.

The WTF and arrow is pointing to Isle of Plagues. He might as well go there, too. Or maybe it says Isle of Plaques. Either way it doesn’t sound good.

Nobody ever listens to anything I have to say. It’s like I’m talking to myself. Hello? Hello?

The Hot Zone = The Zombie Zone

Oh my god, I have Ebola!

How did I reach this self-diagnosis? Usually I self-diagnose through watching House, but this diagnosis comes from reading Richard Preston’s The Hot Zone.

Ebola Checklist

• Coughing? Check.
• Sniffles? Check.
• Sick to the stomach? Now that I suspect I have  Ebola, Check.
• Dark circles under eyes? Check. Or is that mascara?
• Addiction to chocolate? Check.

So I made up the last one.

This isn’t the type of book I normally read, but it’s about an Ebola virus outbreak in the suburbs of Washington, DC.

And it’s a true story.

Really. This isn’t one of those times when I say, “True story” when it’s obviously a big fat lie.

This was my thought process:

• Heeeeey…I live in the suburbs of DC. I visit all of the locations in the book…all the time…almost every day.
• Oh…my…god…I could get Ebola.
• Unclean! Unclean!

Know what Ebola does to you? It makes you a zombie, and it turns your insides to jello slush.

His face lost all appearance of life and set itself into an expressionless mask…The eyeballs…seemed almost frozen in their sockets, and they turned bright red.

Then it kills you. Only you don’t come back as a zombie.  So uncool.