Category Archives: Books

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

“That’s the good thing about hanging out with bloggers. Most of them are kind of f-cked up in the same way you are.”—The Bloggess

Have you read any posts by The Bloggess? Have you read her book: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson?

On Sunday Misty (go to her blog for autographed stuff)  and I met The Bloggess. Here’s how it went down:

Thoughtsy: Oh my gosh, it’s so nice to meet you!

Jenny: It’s nice to meet you! What’s in the gift bag? Alcohol? Kittens?

Thoughtsy: Kitten-related stuff. And a shirt like mine so we can be twinsies. Sooooo…do you like my shirt?

That last part is not true. I tug on my shirt when I’m nervous…it’s my Mary Catherine Gallagher nervous trait.

Hi, I’m Thoughtsy. You’re awesome. Please accept this humble offering. BTW…Do you like my shirt?

If you haven’t read Jenny’s book, you should. It’s been on the New York Times Bestseller’s List for a month. If you’re still not convinced, maybe some bullets Movies-Teach-Us-style will persuade you.

Here’s what I learned from the book:

  • Star Wars is not a documentary.
  • Bobcats make good house pets.
  • “Intestines” is French for “poop rope.”
  • Feral cats are actually vampire cougars.
  • Drugs make your boobies fall off.
  • Licking wine off your arm is classy.

Well, Jenny, you’ve just met the classiest person to ever walk the earth.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “So glad I didn’t have to read that headline and say, ‘Oh, I knew Thoughtsy, and this is a set up…she would NEVER pee in the woods!’ Glad you lived to tell the tale yourself!”—Suzicate


How to Date Yourself

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen; for all the things I asked for that had yet to show up.

—Iyania Vanzant

Recently, I put aside my current reads (The 19th Wife and The Help) to read The Breakup Book by Diane Mastromarino.

The book had an equation to figure out how long it takes to get over your ex.  When I plugged in all the numbers, it said 384.8 months. So…

A. I did the math wrong.
B. The author wants me to get depressed and become a crazy old cat lady.
C. It was a mistake to break up with Kiefer.
D. The author wants me to feel good about myself when I get over Kiefer in less than 384.8 months.
E. There is no equation for how long it takes to get an over an ex.

The book said to date yourself, fall in love with you. And I’m going to do just that:

  • Buy a new outfit.
  • Buy yourself flowers.
  • Take a long walk.
  • Have a cocktail.

“Buy yourself ice cream” wasn’t on the list, but I added it.

Vanilla Ice Cream with Snickers Topping

If you’re going through a breakup, maybe this will help you. Here’s a list of Don’ts.

  • Don’t call, email, text, etc. Don’t play the role he expects you to play. And give him a chance to miss you.
  • You can be sad, but not when your ex is around.
  • When you start dating again, don’t rush. Start slow.

Here’s a list of To Dos.

  • Do whatever you need to do at this moment to make your heart feel better…as long as it’s not one of those things listed above.
  • Be busy.
  • Dwell a little on his flaws.
  • Look good. It’ll make you feel better.
  • Lean on your friends.

What We Have Here Is a Failure to Communicate

After I read The Hot Zone, I shared my newfound Ebola knowledge with Kiefer, also known as Mr. I-Go-To-Africa-All-The-Flippin’-Time.

(I’m fine, by the way. Turns out I don’t have Ebola. Phew. Thanks for asking.)

I spared him the Ebola symptoms and just said, “It’s bad, dude. Real bad.” And then I gave him specific locations in Africa to avoid.

  • Kitum Cave (contains Ebola and Marburg viruses)
  • Ebola River (It’s called “Ebola River” for a reason.)
  • AIDS Highway (Again, self explanatory.)

You know where in Africa Kiefer is going?

Right there. See where it says AIDS Highway, Ebola River, and Kitum Cave? (I circled them for you.) He’ll be in that area.

Fan-tastic.

The WTF and arrow is pointing to Isle of Plagues. He might as well go there, too. Or maybe it says Isle of Plaques. Either way it doesn’t sound good.

Nobody ever listens to anything I have to say. It’s like I’m talking to myself. Hello? Hello?


The Hot Zone = The Zombie Zone

Oh my god, I have Ebola!

How did I reach this self-diagnosis? Usually I self-diagnose through watching House, but this diagnosis comes from reading Richard Preston’s The Hot Zone.

Ebola Checklist

  • Coughing? Check.
  • Sniffles? Check.
  • Sick to the stomach? Now that I suspect I have  Ebola, Check.
  • Dark circles under eyes? Check. Or is that mascara?
  • Addiction to chocolate? Check.

So I made up the last one.

This isn’t the type of book I normally read, but it’s about an Ebola virus outbreak in the suburbs of Washington, DC.

And it’s a true story.

Really. This isn’t one of those times when I say, “True story” when it’s obviously a big fat lie.

This was my thought process:

  • Heeeeey…I live in the suburbs of DC. I visit all of the locations in the book…all the time…almost every day.
  • Oh…my…god…I could get Ebola.
  • Unclean! Unclean!

Know what Ebola does to you? It makes you a zombie, and it turns your insides to jello slush.

His face lost all appearance of life and set itself into an expressionless mask…The eyeballs…seemed almost frozen in their sockets, and they turned bright red.

Then it kills you. Only you don’t come back as a zombie.  So uncool.


Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times

Sweet Potato Queens say that you need someone (or someones) in your life that can do 5 important things. The queens recommend having 5 different men to do each, but maybe you can find a man who possesses all 5 traits.

Yeah, right.

Just for fun, let’s see how Kiefer measures up, shall we? Then he’ll know why he should read my blog every day instead of sporadically. It would prevent me from talking about him.

It will also teach him not to go to Africa and leave me here all by myself.

1. Someone Who Can Fix Things

Kiefer is pretty handy. And not handy in the he-fixes-things-and-then-you-call-a-professional way. He does it right the first time.

And this doesn’t exactly count as fixing, but he also washes my car and polishes my headlights. Really. My car headights were really dirty. And you’re dirty for thinking what we both know you were thinking when I wrote “headlights.”

2. Someone You Can Dance With

Check. Kiefer and I just recently danced at his sister’s wedding.

3. Someone Who Can Pay for Things

Kiefer and I take turns paying. I know a few women who let their boyfriends live with them rent-free. Uh, hello? I am not your sugar momma. Pay your own bills. I have a Pop-Tart addiction to fund.

4. Someone You Can Talk to

I tell Kiefer just about everything. Sometimes I tell him too much. Like when I’m constantly outing myself.

5. Someone to Have Great Sex With

Uh…Hi, Mom. What’s s-e-x? Sexxxx? Did I pronounce it right? I swear I’ve never heard of it before.