Guy in Childbirth Class: So…do you think my wife could just take a couple Tylenol and be ok through labor?
I wanted to smack him. Partially because earlier he insisted his punctured spleen from a car accident a couple years ago never really hurt.
I have a pretty high pain tolerance.
Translation: I cry only a little when I slowly peel off a band aid.

Taking this off will be a doozy.
Real Translation: Because needles freak me out, I won’t let the dentist numb me when filling cavities.
I’m that person nearly passes out at blood draws, and afterwards I feel stupid because I didn’t even feel the needle.
So I decided to last as long as I could drug-free and then assess the drug situation because…
- I was a 9-pound (and however many ounces) baby.
- Boo was a 23-inch long baby.
- Radley was a 9-pound baby.
- Our baby measured in the 70th percentile.
- Except for her head. She’s in the 93rd percentile. Our baby has a big head.
- After Sunday’s false labor contractions for over 12 hours, I almost slammed my head into the wall to knock myself out just so I could get some rest.
My birth plan said…
- Knock me out.
- Wake me up after the baby arrives.
I wish that had been an option. It actually said…
- Drugs: Maybe. Not Tylenol.
After laboring at home for 15-16 hours, I decided it was time to go to the hospital. When I got there, I was 7 centimeters dilated…and every nurse seemed concerned I was about to give birth in the hallway, so I asked for drugs that last an hour, hoping that was all I would need.
That resulted in me telling everyone that I made the staff red velvet cookies, and they should get one from the nurses station.
And after that sweet hour of mild relief with barely any more dilation, I asked for the epidural.
Kiefer: Are you sure you don’t want to try walking around first to see if it speeds things up?
Me: Kiefer…I’m done. I want…the epidural.
When you say someone’s name, they know you mean business.
When the anesthesiologist came in…
Anesthesiologist: How are you doing?
Me: I’m done.
Unfortunately for me, the baby hadn’t come out yet, so I wasn’t actually done.
One epidural and 3 hours later, I was 10 centimeters dilated with a bag of water still in tact. The midwife popped it, and we got the show on the road.
Then I noticed that I could see my legs and stuff in the reflection of the lamp light. I think that’s when my coochie snorcher decided it was done despite the baby still being inside.
After pushing for a bit, they turned down the epidural. After pushing for 4 hours with little progress and a baby suspected to be sunny side up, we discussed other options.
Scout finally arrived after nearly 29 hours of labor. The last 5-10 minutes was extremely unpleasant—I’ll leave it at that.
Her head was too big for my nether regions but not too big for this hat.
February 26th, 2014 at 5:08 pm
Congratulations, Thoughtsy! That’s an adorable picture. P.S. You’ll be surprised by the various colors, textures and aromas that baby poop can take. I mean, you have no idea.
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:45 am
I already asked Kiefer once if the color was normal.
February 26th, 2014 at 5:16 pm
Congratulations! That was an experience you might want to wait a year or two to repeat! LOL! I love the photo of your big headed Princess!
February 26th, 2014 at 5:43 pm
I pushed the like button, but, you know, I didn’t LIKE IT like it. Childbirth isn’t exactly a day at the beach. Good luck!
February 26th, 2014 at 5:52 pm
CONGRATULATIONS! The best part is your new little bundle of course and the fact that we don’t have the ability to remember pain…
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:46 am
I guess I’ll block out the pain later. Right now I’m still remembering it.
February 26th, 2014 at 6:08 pm
You definitely should have smacked that guy. On another note, I sympathize with the epidural. It slowed me down so much, but I wanted it. Badly. I’m glad everything worked out well and that Mama and Scout are healthy.
Take courage. My daughter had a big head, too, and still does. Her ballet teacher says it is why she has trouble balancing. Maybe I should go weigh my own head. It could be the cause of all my clumsy issues.
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:46 am
So ballerina is not in Scout’s future. Good to know.
March 3rd, 2014 at 8:14 am
Bwahahaha. Could be. I just had to teach mine how to put her head a bit further over to the side she is trying to balance on. I keep telling myself she’ll grow into it.
On the positive. . .she’s freaking brilliant. I also thank the big head for that one.
February 26th, 2014 at 6:30 pm
Congratulations my friend! She looks so cute and adorable!
I hope the pain fades seriously soon!
Cheers
Choc Chip Uru
February 26th, 2014 at 6:56 pm
That is one beautiful baby girl…
February 26th, 2014 at 7:05 pm
Aw, she wears that hat so well!
I also had a big-headed baby. My son was sunny side up (hello back labor!) and his head actually got wedged down in the canal. After 25 hours of labor and 3.5 hours of pushing, emergency C-section time. Like running a marathon and realizing you could have taken a taxi.
But hey, we both got babies out of our ordeals! Congrats again on your little beauty, Thoughtsy!
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:47 am
They asked me if I was having back labor, but since I’d never been in labor I didn’t know. They asked if my back hurt. Yes, but so did everything else.
February 26th, 2014 at 7:20 pm
Heartiest congrats. Get some sleep, quick.
February 26th, 2014 at 8:00 pm
Many congrats on this real ordeal and a big bag of kudos. I hope you can get some rest now. 🙂
February 26th, 2014 at 8:04 pm
” I think that’s when my coochie snorcher decided it was done despite the baby still being inside.”
This is probably the best sentence I have ever read. Congrats again! (On the sentence and the baby.)
February 26th, 2014 at 9:59 pm
Holy wow she looks so long!! I hear your pain sister. I won’t share mine because you need your time in the sunlight after that holy hell. Good job. Kiss her in the crook of her neck just below and under her hear. And soft kisses on the eyelids – lip fit perfectly.
February 26th, 2014 at 11:35 pm
Yay, congrats, Thoughtsy!! We have friends with a girl named Scout. Love it.
February 27th, 2014 at 12:54 am
Congrats! Your little one is adorable! I am dumbfounded how you could possible have wits enough to post anything within 1 week of giving birth. However, I’ve never had a baby and I don’t have a high tolerance for pain. I only lmagine I’d be so far removed from thinking about blogging from the birthing experience for at least that long, if not longer. My addiction to the internet might pull me in sooner though.
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:49 am
I am blessed to have a baby who sleeps a lot…and I’m unfortunate enough to not be able to sleep when she does.
February 27th, 2014 at 2:40 am
PLEASE tell me holding your baby in your arms made you forget about the trauma, otherwise I may never have the courage to make one of my own.
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:50 am
I’m not gonna lie. I remember it. But…totally worth it. Especially when Kiefer gets all the nasty diapers, and she only pees when it’s my turn to change her.
February 27th, 2014 at 7:28 am
Big Head Scout… Yep, that’s a high quality blog name.
Congrats again, Thoughtsie.
(See, I used your name, so you know I’m serious.)
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:50 am
Super serious.
February 27th, 2014 at 9:57 am
She is SO cute and squishy, I’m sure she was worth it all! And wow on the 93rd percentile head, that is quite an accomplishment you will forever be able to brag about! You can always remind her of what you went through to get her here in her teenage years, that’s what my mother always did at least.
February 27th, 2014 at 11:10 am
Both of my boys had/have HUGE heads. They come by it naturally by way of their father. Although I was all drugged up when they popped out. Sorry yours was difficult, but look what you got!! Good job, mama!!
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:51 am
I suspect they turned my epidural off. Or I moved and it stopped working. I’m sure I felt almost everything, and if I didn’t, well, I’m scared to think what else I would have felt.
February 27th, 2014 at 1:06 pm
Congratulations!
February 27th, 2014 at 3:55 pm
Yay! Baby! With no stories of labor, that’s all I have to say.
February 28th, 2014 at 9:21 am
Adorbs, adorbs, adorbs! And there are never enough pain drugs. They wouldn’t give me any with my second, Gwen, like it was a matter of character. Gwen was 22 this week and I still stick pins in the voodoo doll I made of the head nurse.
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:52 am
They wouldn’t give you any? What the…. Can they do that?
February 28th, 2014 at 11:16 am
I went through enough pain wrangling five on a cross-country flight from LA… I can’t imagine actually giving birth to get them. LOVE. THAT. HAT!
March 3rd, 2014 at 7:53 am
You win! We’re trying to plan a trip out West to visit Kiefer’s family. I’m thinking once she’s 8 years old, we can try it.
February 28th, 2014 at 11:48 am
Yeah, you’ve been to war. My wife’s first labor was long like yours. Ugh. Blessings to baby and here’s hoping everything falls back into place. John
February 28th, 2014 at 10:04 pm
Congratulations dorkmunch!!! I’m so happy for you. You won’t believe how in love you are gonna be, it’ll make your love for Keifer seem like love for cheesecake.
March 3rd, 2014 at 11:26 am
WHAT A CUTIE PIE!!!!!!! I hope you are all doing well!
March 3rd, 2014 at 4:28 pm
29 hours? TWENTY-NINE HOURS?!?! DUDE! That is INSANE!
Scout is adorable and awesome and all, but, damn, that girl knows how to make you work for her love, doesn’t she?
March 9th, 2014 at 3:25 pm
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