Tag Archives: Wine

More Snow? Screw TP! We Need Booze!

You’ve probably heard about the crazy cold weather we’ve been experiencing this winter.

Because expected snowfall maps in inches have been done to death, this is the new snow map:

I live in the “15 cases” region. Since I’m pregnant, this map makes me a little sad. I haven’t found a hot chocolate equivalent map.

But we have ice cream and Girl Scout cookies, so we’ll be fine.

Up until this point, the snow we’ve gotten has been manageable. Sure, the kids haven’t had a full week of school since Thanksgiving, but inchwise, we haven’t gotten more than 6-8 inches of snow with each storm.

All of that changes today. I can no longer see the tires on Kiefer’s car. That’s how much we have right now, and it’s still coming down. How tall are Honda Accord tires?

What does that mean exactly?

It means bread, milk, and TP will be worth more than gold for the next few days.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Have you considered dressing like that for the remainder of the pregnancy?”—Omawarisan

How to Spot a Psychokiller

One evening the Cupcake Dangler (CD) invited me to his house. I accepted…and then I panicked.

What if his super-polite gentlemanliness was all an act…and he was secretly a psychokiller.

After Googling the percentage of psychopaths in the population (1-2%), I decided to play the odds. CD was probably safe. And his house probably did not contain a secret torture room.

Nevertheless, I decided to be on guard and look for suspicious psychokiller clues.

CD: Would you like some wine?

What I Should Have Said: No, thank you.

What I Really Said: Yes, please. 

Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to kill me, and I want to be numb to the pain.

CD: Red or White? This bottle of white is already opened, but I can open the red if you prefer?

What I Should Have Said: Red, please.

Translation: I want to be sure you didn’t roofie the opened bottle.

What I Really Said: White, please.

Translation: Roofie, shmoofie.

CD: Can I give you the tour?

What I Should Have Said: Yes. Of the living room. Only the living room.

What I Really Said: Sure!

Translation: I will stab you with the wine glass stem if you try anything.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I’m with you; that peacock looks incredibly dangerous. Its beady eye is freaking me out right now.”—Sarah9188

Appeal to Zombie Princess Leia

Remember my blog name crushes? I almost added Fix It or Deal to the list, but then I decided she needed her own post.

Why? Because I need your help, readers. I need you to beg Amy at Fix It or Deal to post pictures of her zombie Princess Leia Halloween costume.

Send her email, post comments on her blog, post comments on this post. Start a petition! Make signs! Bribe her with yummy desserts! Does anyone know how to do skywriting?

Maybe if we beg and say “please” enough she’ll post a picture. Because Halloween costumes are awesome. Especially zombie costumes.

Why else is she cool?

  • She dunks her Oreos in hot chocolate.

What? Nuff said. That bullet alone makes her flippin’ amazing. I thought I was the only one who dunked Oreos in hot chocolate.

Fine. I’ll post a few more for all you Oreo-haters.

  • She says “Amy SMASH!”
  • She likes Bruce Campbell.
  • Wine on Wednesdays. She’s tasting wine and then reporting back. Thank her for taking one for the team and doing the research.

FABS: Frequently Asked Blog Questions

I dropped the Q and used S instead because “FABS” is easier to say than “FABQS.” Go ahead. Try to say it with the “Q.” You’ll sound like Daffy Duck. Despicable.

I peeked at the Search Engine Terms for my blog….again. Sometimes people find my blog by asking questions. WordPress has a character limit on the search terms, so I’ll have to guess the last half of the questions.

  1. Will I pee my pants if I ride the big…kid rides? Probably.
  2. Are Skinny Cow sandwiches really that he… He-llaciously delicious? Yes.
  3. What will make me pee lots and fast? You have a drug test tomorrow, don’t you?
  4. What would you call Boo Radley? I refer to him as “sir.” And I thank him for the soap figurines.
  5. Why do men go into the cave to solve…Math problems? They don’t want anyone to see that they use their fingers, toes, and…other thing…to count to 21.
  6. Are Skinny Cows bad for your stomach? Only when you eat them in moderation. Always overindulge.
  7. When guys give you the last bite…it means they love you. And they think you’re too skinny. Or there’s something wrong with it. It could go either way.
  8. How long should a woman wait to email…her bank account number to Nigeria? 5-7 days.
  9. Where does Wonka chocolate come from? The Chocolate River in the Wonka Factory. Duh.
  10. Can I eat two Skinny Cows a day? No. You may have 1 or 3. Odd numbers only.
  11. Where’s Brad? With Waldo.

Based on some search terms that lead people to my blog, I’m considering a few new names to go with the new layout:

  • Pee My Pants Blog
  • Girls Tattooed “Dude” and “Sweet” Blog
  • Barney Is Watching You Blog (Barney the dinosaur or Barney Stinson?)
  • God Zilla Blog (The space inbetween is apparently very important.)
  • My Cat Is a Thief Blog
  • Smores Ring Blog (A smores engagement ring? This is genius.)

Here are names I will not use (again based on search terms):

  • Unfrosted Strawberry Pop-Tart Blog (Unfrosted? You should be ashamed of yourself.)
  • Pee My Pants at Halloween Blog
  • Damn You, Sangria, Blog

Damn You, Sangria

Someone found my blog by searching for “Damn You, Sangria.” Amazing!

But the more I think about it, the more I feel that my good friend Sangria does not deserve such a curse.

Alcohol and nutritious fruit together…in a tasty, loving relationship. Yummy.

What did sangria ever do to you?

But, Thoughts Appear, sangria spilled all over my shirt and stained it.

Not an acceptable excuse. If you’re going to be drinking wine (or eating spaghetti sauce), you don’t wear white or light-colored clothes. Duh.

Shame on you for wasting sangria. Lift your shirt up to your mouth and suck that sweet stained goodness right out.

My dad always said, “Accidents don’t just happen, they’re caused.”

What were you doing when the sangria spilled? You should have been holding your glass with both hands (and pinky up). Until you can learn to hold a glass correctly, maybe bring your own sippy cup to the bar. Or drink white sangria instead of red.

 But, Thoughts Appear, Sangria made me hung over.

You (pick your finger up off the mouse and point it at yourself), my dear friend, are a light weight. That’s almost as bad as spiling sangria. Shame on you.

Shame. On. You.