Tag Archives: Will It Hurt?

What GIJoe Taught Me About Breastfeeding

I’ve asked everyone about babies.

  • Was your baby late or early?
  • During labor, how many times did your wife threaten to kill you? Obviously, she didn’t kill you, but did you receive other injuries?
  • How long was your labor?
  • Is it possible for you to birth the baby for me?

A coworker had a baby…without drugs. Because her experience was just a couple months ago, she couldn’t say, “You’ll forget all about the pain,” because she was still dealing with the aftermath…stitches, bleeding…other stuff I don’t want to think about.

Coworker: My labor lasted about 5 hours. It was pretty short.

My Thoughts: This woman is a god. I must do everything exactly as she did.

And you know what she said has been the most painful part of her new baby?

Not the drug-free delivery. The breastfeeding.

Someone else may have immediately thought, “Bullshit.” But me, I want to be optimistic and believe that I’ll barely feel anything while delivering.

So I focused on the breastfeeding pain.

Coworker: Someone told me to prepare myself for breastfeeding I should slam my nipples in a door. I don’t think that’s far off.

Thoughtsy: ::horrified look::

This will be my baby: “I’m going to whip your breasts into shape.”

And suddenly, ignorance seemed so much better than preparation.

Then I went all GIJoe: Knowing is half the battle.

I know ALL about breastfeeding.

So I went to a breastfeeding class. Because according to the 50/50 GIJoe logic, attending a class meant only one of my breasts would hurt.

And you know what I found out?

Breastfeeding will only hurt this much. Just a little bit.

Sure, you’re going to be sore at first, but if breastfeeding is painful, you’re doing it wrong.

That means only one thing: I’m now worried about labor pains again.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I recommend doing a couple of shots and becoming 100% sh*t-effaced. Then you wake up in the morning going, ‘Ooh, my head… but hey, the baby’s here!'”—BluzDude