Fire Safety Tips From My Cat

Esme recently discovered my apartment’s fireplace. I never use it because it’s wood-burning, not gas. And a real fire in my apartment means easy access to smores 24/7 which means packing on 5 extra pounds  just seems like a recipe for disaster.

You can’t see me.

I’m not sure why she’s always in there, but I have a few ideas:

• Santa Claus is her idol.
• She thinks it’s the safest place to be during an earthquake.
• In case the apartment catches on fire, she has an escape route.
• She’s auditioning for a play in which she will play…a log.

How do you close this? I need some priv-a-cy.

Why is Esme Kitty in the fireplace? Does your pet have a favorite spot?

Carrot Cake Counts as a Vegetable

This is what happens when you send me to the store for ice cream. Consider yourself warned.

Carrot Cake, Red Velvet Cake, and Triple Chocolate Cake Ice Cream

Ice cream wasn’t enough for me. I needed cake and ice cream. (In addition to ice cream, I also came home with giant star-shaped marshmallows because, you know…giant star marshmallows!)

Why are you looking at me like that? The carrot cake ice cream counts as a vegetable.

Narrowing it down to 3 flavors was difficult because there was also Butterscotch Krimpet ice cream. But don’t worry. I’m going back to get it this weekend.

In case you were wondering, the triple chocolate cake flavor was my favorite. You probably knew that.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I just read that men prefer the scent of vanilla over perfume. So I could have used vanilla extract instead of spending $ on expensive perfume all these years? Muuuuuuther….”—NanaBread

Chocolate + Coconut = Crack

Good morning, class! Would everyone please take their seats?

Readers, if you’ve learned anything here, I hope it’s these two things:

1. Acceptable Chocolate-to-Fruit Ratio
2. Yummy Food = Crack

The other day Miss Piece of the Piehole sent me a link to a blog with lots of delicious food.

Because of my recent coconut kick, I made The Domestic Rebel’s Almond Joy Blondie Bars. Except I used more chocolate…of course.

Even though the recipes don’t specifically list “crack” as an ingredient, I’m sure it’s in there. Why? Science.

Chemistry 101

I suspect that when certain foods come into contact with each other, a chemical reaction occurs and results in an addictive substance known as crack.

For those of you mathematically inclined, write this equation down. It’s even more important than E = MC².

Chocolate³ + Coconut = Crack

That’s just one example. Here’s another:

When the amount of Cake ≤ the amount of Icing = Crack

Physics 101

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Action: Eating food with crack in it.

Reaction: Eating even more food with crack in it.

Reaction to the Reaction: Expanding thighs.

Favorite Comment from Previous Post: “I vote turbo-slut, but with nerds! You’ll be doing a good deed while getting knocked up and staying disease free! And your kid will probably be a genius, there’s really no downside.”—Cocktails at Tiffanys

R-E-S-P-E-C-T…That’s What Chocolate Means to Me

Yogi Castle Visit #33

Ddot and I went to Yogi Castle the other day. Which frozen yogurt do you think is mine, and which do you think is Ddot’s?

Frozen Yogurt A

Fruit Flavored Yogurt, Mango, Pineapple, Strawberry

Frozen Yogurt B

Cake Batter and Chocolate Frozen Yogurts, Heath Bar, Caramel and Chocolate Syrups

If you think A is mine, you’re stupid obviously, you’re new here. You should probably read this post on acceptable chocolate to fruit ratios.

Basically, it says you should always have more chocolate than fruit. Or, if you’re like me, always have only chocolate and no fruit.

Moving on to the next order of business…Frozen Yogurt for Breakfast: For or Against?

Yogi Castle now has Fruity Pebbles and Captain Crunch as toppings. Who knows how long they’ve been there. I usually only notice chocolate stuff.

It seems misleading to have cereal as toppings. I can’t go there for breakfast anyway because Yogi Castle doesn’t open until 11. I know this because I spent Sunday morning pressed up against the glass drooling and clawing until my fingers bleeded bled. 

What’s your favorite topping? Why doesn’t Yogi Castle have broken Pop-Tarts as a topping? How much longer should I put up with Ddot’s chocolate vs. fruit disrespect?

I’m in Your Fridge…Stealing Your Fruit

Remember Ddot? He’s the fruit-but-no-chocolate-on-frozen-yogurt offender.*

Did you see what he did? He taunted all of us in the comments. Are you gonna let him get away with that?

And now he’s sending me evidence of each fruit infraction. He sent me this the other night:

Exhibit A: Note the lack of chocolate and the abundance of fruit on his ice cream.

He’s rubbing my nose in his fruity ice cream…. Let’s get him.

I can think of only one solution: Stealing all the fruit from his fridge and leaving this ransom note:

I used cut outs because I don't want this note to be traced back to me....

Obviously,  the note will be more intimidating when it’s not laying on my heart blanket.

*The Yogi Castle incident was actually his second offense. Ddot did the same thing when we got ice cream in San Antonio.