Tag Archives: Vampires are hot but werewolves are hotter

Breaking News: Robert Pattinson Moved Into My Office

You probably heard that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson. You probably heard that Pattinson moved out of the house he was living in with Stewart.

But did you hear where he’s living now?

In my office.

Robert Pattinson’s disguise.

Or maybe it’s Batman incognito. Or Dracula. Or Bill Compton. The possibilities are endless.

Favorite Comment From the Last Post: “I used to be deathly afraid of aliens… like eyes-wide-open, staring at the ceiling and why are those damned shadows moving afraid. Luckily, now I’m married, and any aliens are going to have to get past my husband to get to me!!!! Oh… crap. It’s gonna be another sleepless night….”—Kim

Hot Air Hangs Like a Dead Man From a White Oak Tree

Initially, I was caught up in the Twilight book hype.

Then the movies started coming out, and I lost interest…but I still see the movies because I’m still extremely interested in Taylor Lautner becoming my Cabana boy.

But now I’m returning to my roots. To a movie about vampires who…

  • Can’t resist the taste of blood.
  • Can’t survive sunlight.
  • Will eat you.

And most importantly, vampires who do not flippin’ sparkle. Sparkle? Seriously?

Vampires look like this:

I vant to suck your blooooood....

I watched From Dusk Till Dawn. Here are some of my thoughts:

  • Young George Clooney. Le sigh.
  • They stopped at a gas station for a map? Whoa…this movie is old.
  • Quentin Tarantino movies always have amazing soundtracks. That song in the post title is stuck in my head.
  • Salma Hayek is a vampire stripper.
  • I thought Cheech was typecast, but he can also portray a vampire/Border guard/pimp/criminal.
  • Don’t judge someone whose name is “Sex Machine.” He’s on your side…until he becomes a vampire.
  • In 1996, people said, “hunky dory.” Let’s bring that back.

But the most important thing that I learned is that if you’re defenseless against vampires, a pencil to the heart works just as well as a wooden stake.

Do you think it has to be a #2 pencil?

The Birds and the Bees in Breaking Dawn

The other weekend I watched Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

Before you start moaning and groaning or click away,  hear me out.

Let’s start with the birds and bees. When a boy and a girl fall in love, they have sex.

You’ll want to sit down for this next part.

A stork does not bring babies. (I know, I know. I was shocked as well.)

Sex leads to babies. That’s why it’s always important to have protected sex…even when your husband is a vampire. Just because he’s dead, doesn’t mean his baby batter is dead as well.

And now I present to you the pros and cons of vampire pregnancy.

  • Pro: You have a quick pregnancy.

    "It's either a baby or indigestion...I'm just not sure."

  • Pro: You put all of the weight in your tummy…because the baby is sucking the life out of you (Con).
  • Con: The pregnancy will break your back…and kill you.
  • Pro: You won’t have to breastfeed because your baby only wants blood.
  • Pro: You come back as a beautiful vampire.

After carefully weighing all of that, a vampire pregnancy sounds like a good option. I just joined Team Edward.

Here’s what else I learned from Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

  • Fathers who are cops are scary…because they have guns…and know how to use them…and will use them on their daughter’s husband.
  • Kristen Stewart is skinny. Too skinny. Her scrawny legs freak me out.
  • I will never get tired of looking at Taylor Lautner (my future cabana boy) shirtless. Never.

Anyways…now I have a dilemma. Should I rewatch the entire saga for Movies Teach Us?

I didn’t like Twilight. I don’t particularly want to watch it again. But I will. For the blog. For you, my blog buddies.