Is It Time?

Kiefer: If the baby comes on Valentine’s Day, I don’t ever have to buy you a Valentine’s Day gift again, right? We’re good?

Um…no.

One of my coworkers was convinced the baby was coming on Valentine’s Day. She didn’t.

But on Sunday, after Kiefer and I finished our crab-filled Valentine’s Day brunch, I started having contractions, and I wondered if a President’s Day baby was in our future.

We spent 12+ hours timing contractions and alternating between walking Ozzy (contractions every 3.5 minutes) and putting my feet up (contractions every 5-7 minutes), and just when I was about to admit defeat, they finally subsided.

Contractions are jerks.

Apparently, crab is not a food that induces labor effectively. Unless I find out at tomorrow’s appointment that I’m dilated.

My due date is February 26th. The specialist is guessing February 18th or 19th based on her size. Technically, I could go till March 12th, but anyone who mentions that gets a swift kick to the face. TO. THE. FACE.

What’s your prediction?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I can’t see Australia on this map so that must mean I have to buy 15 cases? Yes?”—Daile

Valentine’s Day: It’s Not Just For Couples

My friend Blarney is in a long distance relationship. And if you’ve ever done long distance, you know how frustrating it can be.

Especially when you’ve had a bad day and need a shoulder to lean on. Especially when you’ve had a good day and want to share it with someone.

Especially on Valentine’s Day when red and pink hearts and cute couples doing coupley things are everywhere.

To remind Blarney that even though she’s alone on Valentine’s Day and even though she can’t be with the one she loves…she is still loved, I got her a Valentine’s Day flower. (And I got another friend a chocolate boyfriend.)

I swear I’m not high when I say this, but…Spread the love, people.

Here. I got you a flower, too.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Hope you’re getting your Cirque du Soleil application in order.”—Chase McFadden

Happy St. Patrick’s Day from Zeke Zombie

Remember Zeke?

You probably don’t recognize the name, but you’ll recognize the face. I almost named him “Rob,” but someone already has the name Rob Zombie. Hmph.

The last time you saw Zeke, he was dressed like Santa. And because I suck was super uberduber busy, I never showed you Valentine’s Day Zeke Zombie or Mardi Gras Zeke Zombie.

As you can see, Zeke is now part Christmas, part Valentine’s Day (that red thing is a heart), part Mardi Gras (beads), and part leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Hope you have a lovely weekend!

Thank you to everyone who voted for Stitch yesterday! Unfortunately, he didn’t win.

Sidney Poitier beat Stitch. (A moment of silence please.)  Although Poitier is awesome because he was the first Black to win an Academy Award, I can’t really say anything about his character from To Sir, With Love…because I’ve never seen the movie…because I’m not old.* I’m not bitter or anything though.

*If you have seen the movie, I’m not calling you “old.” I’m calling the other people who’ve seen it “old.” I love you. Really. Here, have a Pop-Tart.

I Love You…But Not More Than Chocolate

I finally realize why Valentine’s Day is so stressful for men. Look at this chocolate bar I bought for my boyfriend Kiefer.

I just set myself up for failure.

When I bought the chocolate bar, my initial thoughts were…

Awwww…. A chocolate bar that says, I love you very much! I’ll get that for Kiefer for Valentine’s Day…and when he eats it, I’ll get a piece.

But now I see that this chocolate bar may mean the end of our relationship. Why?

• How many Very boxes do I check?
• Do I leave one box unchecked until we’re engaged? I mean, why buy the cow if you get all the Verys for free?
• What if all the ink from the checks seeps into the chocolate bar, and Kiefer and I die from ink poisoning? Sounds like a Romeo-Juliet-esque death by chocolate. I like it.

Of course, the even bigger question is Do I love Kiefer more than chocolate? Chocolate and I have known each other my entire life. Kiefer and I have only known each other 3.5 years.

• If I check the Not More Than Chocolate box, Kiefer’s feelings will be hurt.
• If I check the More Than Chocolate box, Kiefer will know I’m lying.

Help! How many Very boxes do I check? And what do I do about the Chocolate checkboxes?

You hold the future of my relationship in your hands. Choose wisely.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day and Our Love-Hate Relationship

Valentine’s Day: For or Against?

Valentine’s Day: Love It or Hate It?

Valentine’s Day: It’s What’s for Dinner.

That’s what Kiefer and I did for our first Valentine’s Day: dinner. He surprised me by getting a babysitter for the boys, so he could take me out.

The next day he said, “I’m not really a Valentine’s Day kinda guy.”

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!

Immediately, I was up-in-arms to save all future Valentine’s Days.

But we have to celebrate Valentine’s Day! How can you be with me and slack on holiday that’s all about chocolate?! Where’s pod person Kiefer? Send him back now!

Obviously, my fit tantrum completely mature communication worked because last year we went to DC for the weekend. Which was fun despite the chocolate shortage and picketers.

But really I’m torn on Valentine’s Day. I don’t expect a spectacular day (even though that would be an awesome surprise because no one has ever done it before). Why the low expectations?

1. Maybe Mephistopheles’s constant amnesia of special occasions made me expect only disappointment on Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, and birthdays.
2. Maybe spending so many years single dulled my feelings on Valentine’s Day.
3. Maybe because I eat chocolate every day.

Instead of giving gifts, Kiefer and I plan a trip together. We’d much rather go on a weekend trip. This year we’re staying in a cabin at Deep Creek Lake.

Kiefer’s excited about the skiing, and I’m excited about the hot chocolate…and the hot tub…and the fireplace. Did I say I was excited about the hot chocolate?