What do zombies, stoners, and unicorns have in common? They’re all in the movie The Cabin in the Woods.
Here’s the plot: Five friends go to a cabin in the woods. Bad things happen. And then…
What do you think happens next? Well…you’re wrong.
Unless you were thinking, Someone uses a coffee mug bong to kill the bad guys. Then you’re right.
The Cabin in the Woods is not just a horror movie. It’s a horror/comedy/sci fi/maybe even parody movie. Which is even better than a horror movie.
I’ve never done a Movies Teach Us on a movie in the theater because it’s hard to take notes while
shoveling candy into my mouth in the dark, but here’s what I learned:
- Never trust the gas station attendant. Do the opposite of whatever he says.
- When someone says you’re not on speaker phone, you are.
- The stoner is not paranoid.
- Whores always die first.
- Thor is hot when he’s not a spoiled brat. I’m retracting my previous statement concerning his hotness. He’s now a Cabana Boy candidate.
- Hard-ons are also known as “husband bulges.”
- Unicorns are not your friend.
- Mermen do not look like they do in The Little Mermaid.
Most importantly, I learned that girls who run around in t-shirts and undies are in a horror movie.
Oh…my…god…I hardly ever wear pants. I wonder if my life is a horror movie. ::looks around for cameras, zombies, and crazed killers::
When I read that scientists were tracking narwhals, I immediately asked my mom for my 3rd grade report on narwhals to give to the scientists. They might have learned some new information from my
sole source of National Geographic extensive research.
I thought, My narwhal report get my foot in the marine biology world!
Turns out that my mom trashed the report and only kept the illustrations.
S+? This is O+ work.
Moooooooooooooooom…what the heck? You’re ruining my life.
But the illustrations might still do the trick. What do you think? Do they look professional?
Here’s a real narwhal pic for your comparison:
Pretty close, huh? My childhood dreams may finally come true.
When I was younger, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then I realized vets only got to see sick animals. And that’s sad.
So I decided to be a marine biologist…to play with dolphins. Except you need to be good at science to be a marine biologist. And I suck at science (except for physics).
With my dolphin dreams dashed, I began my degree in English and became the editor/writer/blogger that you know (and love) today. Don’t worry. I promise to still blog even if I go to
play with study narwhals.
Do you know where narwhals are? In Nunavut, Canada. Do you know who else is in Nunavut? She Is Just a Rat and the Zen Assassin.
Let me know when I can come visit ok? I have research to conduct.
For years, I’ve wanted to revisit the Maryland Renaissance Festival. Years, I tell you.
The last time I was there was 7 years ago. Mephistopheles and I went…on the same day he decided to quit smoking. Lovely. And by lovely, I mean miserable. We bought his grumpy nicotine-starved-butt some cigarettes, got lunch, and then left.
So when Misty said she’d go with me, I was superexcited!
She told you about our new drunken friend, Chris. He let me borrow his hat, and that made him a-ok in my book.
And I saw a unicorn. They do exist…so there! And they give out free hugs.
Here are some other things I saw at the Maryland Renaissance Festival.
Elephant Rides! I'm doing this next time!
V for Vendetta Guy
Funny Improv Actors. That
Knife Throwing at Dallas Cowboy Fans
Making Dallas Cowboy Fans Look Silly Before Throwing Knives
I learned a lot at the Renaissance Festival. Here are just a few examples:
- You can eat Stormtroopers.
- “Like a ferret on crack” is the funniest phrase ever.
- Cheese puns are endless.
- Stop stringing me along.
- I don’t go to church; I pray to Gouda.
- Something…Something…Something about cheese because lacks-toes (lactose). Sorry I messed this one up.
So next year go to the Maryland Renaissance Festival…unless you’re a Dallas Cowboys fan.