Tag Archives: toaster

The Manhattan Project Gave Us Pop-Tarts

The other day I was researching the effects Pop-Tarts might have on my unborn child. I was hoping to find things like:

  • For blue eyes, eat blueberry Pop-Tarts.
  • For brown eyes, eat smore Pop-Tarts.
  • For a baby girl, eat cherry Pop-Tarts.
  • For freckles, eat sprinkled Pop-Tarts.
  • To cure morning sickness, eat Pop-Tarts at every meal.

Apparently, no research has been done on any of that. Obviously, our economy is still going downhill if important Pop-Tart experiments aren’t being performed.

What I did stumble across was this. A Pop-Tart-hater site.

If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

 This site claims the following:

  • The frosting is made from either the blood of a virgin or the saliva of the three-headed canine guardian of Hell’s gate, Cerberus.
  • The main ingredient is evil.
  • They are usually sold in pairs inside packages made of human flesh.
  •  If left out after heating, Pop-Tarts take on a very dense and hardened form, making them very convenient for use as crude bladed weapons, or as throwing stars.

Most importantly, frosted Pop-Tarts are not suitable for vegetarians, as they contain gelatin.

Lies! Lies, I tell you! All of this is mere propaganda probably spread by the folks at Toaster Strudel.

I’m onto you, you Strudel-de-doos. I’m onto you….

Haters gonna hate.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Wait a minute. No sober person has ever eaten a pickled egg…except now, you, pregnant, eat pickled eggs. Soooooo…pickled eggs where drunk people and pregnant people intersect, but they aren’t allowed to be the same people. I made a really cool Venn Diagram to illustrate this, but I can’t save it.”—Omawarisan


The Toaster aka The Two-Mouthed Rectangular Beast

Over the weekend, I visited The Hipster. (Who, by the way, is now famous because yesterday she was Freshly Pressed.) If you read The Hipster’s FP post, you may be wondering if I noticed her award and magnet.

I didn’t.

Instead my gaze was fixed on a box in her kitchen. The box had two slots in the top of it and a wire that snaked out the back of it.

What the heck is that, I thought.

It looked like a mutant snake with an oversized rectangle head and two mouths. I wasn’t sure if rectangular-headed snakes were poisonous, so I poked at it with a wooden spoon.

Nothing.

I picked it up with both hands and gave it a little Christmas present shake. Still nothing.

From watchmojo.com

I was just about to stick my finger in the snake’s mouth when the Hipster came into the kitchen. Before I could even ask her about the beast, she whipped out a shiny package: Pop-Tarts. After opening them, she dropped them into the rectangle-headed snake.

My jaw dropped. I had to fight back the tears. She was just teasing me by waving those frosted strawberry Pop-Tarts around.

Questions began racing through my mind: What had I done to offend the Hipster so? Why did she hate me? What kind of a cruel trick was she pulling?

My thoughts were interrupted by the strange beast regurgitating the Pop-Tarts. Ewww. Then the Hipster handed me the Pop-Tarts.

Phew…she didn’t hate me.

Of course I can’t resist Pop-Tarts…even regurgitated ones…so I immediately devoured them.

They were warm. They were divine. They were toasted Pop-Tart goodness.