How To Take a Pregnancy Test Without Peeing on Yourself

No one tells you what a pain it is to take a pregnancy test. You think, “All I have to do is pee on a stick. How hard can that be?”

You may not have to study for this test, but this will be the hardest test you’ll ever have to take.

The directions in the pregnancy test box are incomplete. Here’s a full set.

1. Buy a test on your lunch break.
2. Plan to take the test in 2 days in case you’re just late.
3. Decide to take the test immediately instead because you have no patience whatsoever.
4. Read that you have to pee on the stick for 5 seconds.
5. Wonder how long you usually pee for.
6. Decide to not use the restroom for 3 hours to save up.
7. Try not to do the pee-pee dance on the way to the restroom.
8. Pee on the stick.
   

   Do NOT—under any circumstances—put the pee stick by fruit or anything else edible.

9. Freak out because the pee ricochets off the stick and splashes everywhere. (I totally lied in the post title. Not peeing everywhere is impossible.)
10. Realize there is no TP in the dispenser.
11. Realize there is TP in the dispenser, but you have to contort your hand into an unnatural position to get it.
12. Contort your hand.
13. Recontort your hand.
14. Recontort your hand again.

By the time you actually get some TP, the test results will be visible.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “You’re allowed to hit people when you’re pregnant, as long as they are strangers. Go on, tell them I sent you.”—Omawarisan

Movie Monday: Son of a…

Recently, I went old school in my movie choices and watched the Garbage Pail Kids (Misty loves them). Somehow I managed to completely miss them while I was growing up. If you missed them, too, let me give you an image:

Garbage Pail Kids = Gross Cabbage Patch Kids

One pees his pants constantly; another farts constantly; one wipes her boogers all over everything…. You get the idea.

You know what this jean vest needs? A boogie. Right here.

Here’s what I learned:

• Gwyneth Paltrow was completely unoriginal naming her child “Apple.”  The girl in this movie is named “Tangerine.”
• You can get locked up for being too gross, too tall, too short, too old, and too fat (Ex. Santa. Sorry, no Christmas this year).
• Fashion in the 1980s was weird.

I also watched Tommy Boy. Let’s have a moment of silence for Chris Farley.

• Brothers don’t shake hands. They hug.
• Putting a fat man in a little coat is a bad idea.
• If Housekeeping asks to jerk you off, it’s probably not Housekeeping.

Next week you’re in for a real treat because I lined up some guest bloggers to do Movies Teach Us posts all week! Woo-hoo!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I thought it meant to enjoy the chocolate in the closet.”—April

I Believe I Can Fly

After years and years of searching for Tinkerbell, I finally found her…in LA. She has a vacation home there for when she needs a break from Neverland.

As soon as I saw her, instead of politely introducing myself, I reverted to my 29 4-year-old fairy-loving self, and I snatched her up between my hands.

What can I say? I panicked.

Then she bit me…which caused my cupped hands to open. And she flew away. I shouted an apology after her.

But on my hands, she left me some fairy dust, which I used to do this:

I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to jump out of a plane. I’d be that person whose hands have to be pried off the seat…and then again off the door of the plane…and probably again from the instructor’s neck.

But indoor skydiving…that was awesome!

The instructor said I was a natural: I had perfect posture, he said. Which is why he flung me 20 feet up in the air and spun me around in circles on my first flight.

When I came back down, I may have checked the crotch of my flight suit…it was dry. Phew!

#10 on my 35 Before 35 accomplished!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Oh come on, Thoughtsy. Admit it…you’ve been walking around LA in see through panties. You can’t fool us! I’ve done posts on my weird ones. Might be time to revisit them. Thanks for the idea. Have fun on the West Sahhhdddd.”—Misty’s Laws

The Pee Splash Zone

Living with someone is an adjustment. I already wrote about Kiefer’s adjustments, but here are a couple of mine.

Adjustment #1

Since I’m in charge of laundry, I like to make sure I get everything. I love the sight of an empty laundry hamper. So I started picking up clothes strewn about the floor.

Kiefer: Have you seen my red t-shirt?

Thoughtsy: Maaaaaybe.

Kiefer: I left it right here. (::points to a spot on the floor::)

Thoughtsy: I picked it up. It’s in the washer.

Kiefer: Just because it’s on the floor doesn’t mean it’s dirty.

What the heck kind of logic is that? Clean clothes go in drawers or closets. Maybe thrown over the back of a chair. Not on the floor.

If he can leave clean clothes on the floor, what’s to stop Boo and Radley from leaving clean clothes on the floor? It’ll be anarchy!

Adjustment #2

You probably don’t know this about me, but I eat a lot of dessert. A lot. To balance all the sweets, I eat a lot of fruit and veggies. I also check my weight on a scale to make sure I don’t overconsume my desserts.

Kiefer: There’s a scale in the bathroom.

Thoughtsy: Yes. I weigh myself every morning.

Kiefer: It’s right next to the toilet.

Thoughtsy: I don’t see your point. It’s out of the weigh way there. I slide it in and out when I need it.

Kiefer: I have two boys….

Thoughtsy: I don’t understand. Is there a splash zone? Don’t they pee in the toilet?

Kiefer: Mostly.

Thoughtsy: Mostly? Ewwww….

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Are you registered anywhere? Do you need help with boxes? Can I bring you a bundt cake?”—The Hipster