Tag Archives: Surviving a Horror Movie

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Clown?

Some people are afraid of clowns. What is it about clowns that are scary? Is it the big noses? The face paint? The giant shoes?

Gosh, I hope it’s not the shoes. Because my feet are kind of big. I hope I’m not scaring people.

In an attempt to understand coulrophobia, I watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Because alien clowns are probably extra scary.

Just in case alien clowns ever attack, here’s what you need to know to survive:

  • Clowns wrap their victims in pink cotton candy cocoons or giant balloons.
  • Never break a clown’s bike. He’ll decapitate you.
  • Shadow puppets from clowns can eat you.
As dangerous as Jurassic Park.

As dangerous as Jurassic Park.

  • Circus tents are alien spaceships.
  • To kill a clown, just destroy his nose.
This is your worst nightmare.

This is your worst nightmare.

The most important thing you need to know is some clowns throw pies made of acid that will melt you. To be safe, never eat pie.

Wait…that’s an extreme overreaction. I can’t believe I just said that. I blame jet lag.

A big thank you to all the guest bloggers from last week! You rock!


I’ve Got Rhythm, I’ve Got Music, I’ve Got Your Pancreas

I love musicals. My musical fascination began when, as a youngster, I visited my grandmother. We always watched Shirley Temple movies.

Soon I wanted to be Shirley Temple. The fact that I was a fat, straight-haired brunette who could not sing and had only 1 year of tap-dancing experience were my only obstacles. All minor.

Now I want to be Sarah Brightman. I can’t sing like her, but really, who can?

repo

Sarah Brightman is bee-u-tiful. And she can sing.

Anyways, as I got older, I found a new love: horror movies. Which is weird. Because…

  • Horror movies are the exact opposite of musicals.
  • Psychokillers never break out into song as they’re hacking someone up.
  • Victims are too busy choking on blood to sing.

I recently discovered a movie that blends the horror and musical genres: Repo! The Genetic Opera.

The movie takes place in the future when human organs start failing, and people have to buy new organs. If you can’t afford them, your organs get repossessed….and you die. Duh.

Here’s what I learned:

  • I need an eyelash transplant (see the pic above).
  • “It’s what’s on the inside that counts” takes on a whole new meaning when it’s used for organ advertising.
  • To be a bad guy in an opera, you don’t have to be able to sing.

Most importantly, don’t get cosmetic surgery. If you do, your face will fall off.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “So here’s what you do: Accept friend request(s) / Accept cupcake(s) / Enjoy Cupcake(s) / Remove “friend(s)” / Repeat (or block…whichever is more rewarding).”—SandyLand


Two-Headed Sharks Are Better Than One

Over the weekend, I watched Two-Headed Shark Attack. I didn’t write about it because, unlike the movies I watch about zombies and vampires, a two-headed shark was too farfetched.

What are the chances of a two-headed shark attack?

Apparently, the chances are higher than I thought. Did you see the article titled “2-Headed Shark Fetus Netted By Fisherman“?

shark

Soooo…my bad. I’m sorry.

Without further ado, may I present to you what I learned from the movie Two-Headed Shark Attack.

  • “Taking on water” is not the same thing as “sinking.”
  • Never skinny dip. A shark will eat you.
  • Jaws was wrong. A bigger boat isn’t the answer. Sharks prefer chasing the bigger boat.
  • Bad things always happen in threes: A (1) two-headed shark will (2) damage your ship, and then you’ll get stuck on (3) an island that is sinking into the ocean.
  • Getting on an inflatable boat in the water with a shark is a not good idea.
  • A shark is not a vampire. Stabbing it with a wooden cross or stake will not kill it.

Two Headed Shark Attack

Most importantly, I learned that you’ll be rescued approximately 2 minutes after you kill the shark that’s eaten all of your friends. So just try to wait it out as long as possible.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “*reads title* It’s spring and it’s snowing…. Immediate mental reaction: I KNOW, ISN’T IT GLORIOUS?!?!?!??!?!?! Realistic mental reaction: People are going to burn my village down if I actually say that, I shouldn’t react that way. Boo snow?”—Absent Elemental


You’ve Reached Your Final Destination

So you’re probably wondering if I completed my Final Destination Halloween Movie Marathon.

Or maybe you weren’t wondering.

But you are now, aren’t ya?

I did not finish it before Halloween. Travel for work interfered. Stupid work…always interfering with my blogging.

You all should take up a collection so I can quit work and just blog all the time. Anyone want to take the lead on that? Anyone? Hello?

Anyways…here’s what I learned from the Final Destination series:

  • If the song “Highway to Hell” comes on the radio, stop driving. Immediately.
  • Never drive across a bridge. It’ll collapse.
  • Never go through a carwash. You might drown.
  • Never go into a home improvement store. You’ll get shot with a nail gun.
  • If you call Buddha “fat,” his statue will fall on your head and kill you.
  • When your horseshoe diamond ring falls in the garbage disposal, just let it go. Let it go, my friend.

Most importantly, I learned not to ignore the signs. Sometimes they’re subtle signs; sometimes they’re obvious signs, and sometimes you need to fill in the blanks. For example, “Do Not Enter” actually means “Do Not Enter…because you’re about to be impaled.”

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I love it when you get a little mushy on here. It makes me feel warm like someone light a blow torch in my colon. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your amazing family!”—Brittany


In Search of the Blair Witch

Guess where I live? About 20 minutes from Burkittsville.

That’s your cue to react one of two ways:

  1. Where?
  2. OH MY GOD, THOUGHTSY! Have you ever seen the Blair Witch?

The answer is No. I’ve never seen the Blair Witch. Originally, I was going to go hiking and look for her this past weekend. But Ozzy puppy gets car sick if he’s in the car for more than 10 minutes, so I didn’t go.

It wasn’t because I was scared or anything. That definitely wasn’t it.

Instead I rewatched The Blair Witch Project.

  • While you’re doing a documentary interview, your child will pick his nose and eat the boogers. ::gag::
  • Boys are gross and will videotape you peeing.
  • Take Dramamine before watching the movie.
  • “I know exactly where we are” means you’re lost.

And most importantly, pack tissues. And use ’em.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I always wonder if Limited Edition food items will be worth a lot in 20-30 years.”—Cannibalistic Nerd