Tag Archives: St. Patrick’s Day

A Leprechaun May Have Impregnated Me

Saturday night I went out with some girl friends. Because it wasn’t actually St. Patrick’s Day, I thought it would be safe. I was so wrong.

Drunk Guy: ::Says something I don’t understand::

Me: What?

Drunk Guy: I just wish I knew if it was my baby.

Me: Whoa…. Who’s pregnant?

Drunk Guy: I just don’t know if it’s my baby. And they can’t raise a baby. But you…you’re smart. I can tell. We’re going to name our baby “Evan.”

Me: I’m pregnant?

Drunk Guy: Are you?

Me: I’m very unpregnant.

Drunk Guy: Freaking nihilists…. ::babbles something about nihilists::

Me: What?

Drunk Guy: They can’t raise a baby. But we could. I mean, you could because you’re so intelligent. Intelligenter than everyone here.

Me: Did you just say “intelligenter?”

Drunk Guy: We’ll raise the baby together. I’m going to kidnap you now.

Me: WHAT?

Drunk Guy: I’m going to do it. ::puts down his drink and gestures that he’s going to throw me over his shoulder::

Me: Um…no. Uh…you should finish your beer first.

Drunk Guy: I’m going to kiss you now.

Me: HOLY CRAP! IS THAT A LEPRECHAUN OVER THERE?

And that, my friends, is how you escape crazy drunk people on St. Patrick’s Day weekend.

It wasn’t entirely a fool-proof plan because he did manage to pinch my butt as I was walking away. But at least I managed to escape kidnapping.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “My fervent hope is that somewhere in the mass of pub-crawling St. Patricks Day asshats* that are going to be totally boning my commute tomorrow, a leprechaun like this will create pandemonium on the platform. The hundreds of drunk people will run away, and I will catch my train.”—JM Randolph

*Putting the word “asshat” in a comment is pretty much a guarantee you’ll get Favorite Comment. That word cracks me up.


Leprechauns Do Not Like Lucky Charms

On St. Patrick’s Day, everyone always quotes that old Irish saying, “May the road rise to greet you….”

But I’d like to share a saying that’s more important because it may save your life.

Try as he will, Try as he might, Who steals me gold, Won’t live through the night….

—One Crazy A$$ Leprechaun

I watched the movie Leprechaun to get in a festive mood for St. Patrick’s Day. But now…I don’t feel much like celebrating.

Here’s what I learned:

  • If you hear a child singing from a suitcase, don’t open it. It’s an evil leprechaun trick.
  • Leprechauns don’t like 4-leaf clovers.
  • A hot guy is enough to make a girl stay in a spider- and leprechaun-infested house.
  • Things you should not say to your father, “That was not a cat! I know what it feels like when a man caresses my leg.”
  • Leprechauns will pogo stick you to death.

Most importantly, I learned that real leprechauns are nothing like the guy on Lucky Charms cereal. Someone should sue them for false advertising.


Happy St. Patrick’s Day from Zeke Zombie

Remember Zeke?

You probably don’t recognize the name, but you’ll recognize the face. I almost named him “Rob,” but someone already has the name Rob Zombie. Hmph.

The last time you saw Zeke, he was dressed like Santa. And because I suck was super uberduber busy, I never showed you Valentine’s Day Zeke Zombie or Mardi Gras Zeke Zombie.

As you can see, Zeke is now part Christmas, part Valentine’s Day (that red thing is a heart), part Mardi Gras (beads), and part leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Hope you have a lovely weekend!

Thank you to everyone who voted for Stitch yesterday! Unfortunately, he didn’t win.

Sidney Poitier beat Stitch. (A moment of silence please.)  Although Poitier is awesome because he was the first Black to win an Academy Award, I can’t really say anything about his character from To Sir, With Love…because I’ve never seen the movie…because I’m not old.* I’m not bitter or anything though.

*If you have seen the movie, I’m not calling you “old.” I’m calling the other people who’ve seen it “old.” I love you. Really. Here, have a Pop-Tart.


The British Are Coming!

St. Patrick’s Day was aweschsome! (I like the word better with the “schs” sound, so I’m submitting a request to Merriam-Webster for a new spelling.)

The dentist loved my flossed, healthy, nonbleeding gums. But he said I need to floss better on the top. Always a critic. I only missed 3 flippin’ days!

Next up…Kiefer and I hosted a St. Patty’s Day happy hour. I made Rocky Road cookies. Delicious! And easy!

But the real show stopper was Kiefer’s Irish Soda Bread. Which is actually Jim’s Cheddar and Onion Soda Bread.

But I’m retitling it Cheddar, Onion, and Crack Bread. Because there must have been crack in it.

I cannot stress to you how tasty it was. Make it. Right now. Then send me a piece. Seriously. I’ll trade you a Pop-Tart. That’s how good it was.

After filling up on crack bread and cookies, we headed down to a local Irish bar. Everyone drank Guinness except for me (I don’t like beer). Psssh. Light weights. I did shots.

Anyways, the highlights of the evening came from our new British friends:

  • Saying the following words are a bad idea:  “wanker,” “sod,” and “rivers.” Don’t ask me to explain “rivers.” I can’t. It’s too dirty.
  • Say “tampoons,” not “tampons.” Ok, so maybe the Brit was just really drunk.
  • The Brits forgave us for dumping their tea.
  • The Brits are throwing a July 3rd party this summer.

May the Road Rise to Greet You, Not Trip You

May the sidewalk be level (so you don’t trip),

May all the ugly guys be too drunk to read your “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt,

May you find a pot of gold (which you will share with me 70/30),

May you not wake up tomorrow with this butt clover tattoo,

May your Guinness be topped with the foam clover,

May any leprechauns you stumble upon not look like this guy,

And, until we meet again, May the dentist find no cavities.

So maybe the last line is specific to me since I’m off to the dentist this afternoon. (I flossed almost every day for a month, remember?)

Maybe that leprechaun should go with me to the dentist. He looks like he’s missed a few days of flossing.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!