Tag Archives: Special Forces

Are You Army Fit?

Why did I take the Army’s PT Test?

For a free lunch.

Several readers suspect the truth about my occupation: I’m not really in the Special Forces Covert Ops. I’m not even in the Army.

The Colonel where I work allows contractors and civilians to take the PT Test alongside our soldiers. And if you beat his scores (or the ranking female officer’s scores), he buys you lunch.

And this may come as a surprise to you, but I do eat other food besides Pop-Tarts. I love food! Especially free food!

So on Wednesday’s humid 85-degree afternoon, I took the PT Test.

First up was my nemesis: Pushups.

Making this face helps. (http://www.usar.army.mil)

  • Passing Requirement: 17 pushups in 2 minutes. No lifting your hands or feet off the floor.
  • My Number: 1. Fail!
  • Colonel’s Number: 86.

That’s right. I said 1. I am so proud of myself. A month ago I couldn’t do any, so I’m particularly proud of my 1 pushup.

Next was situps. I do crunches regularly, so I didn’t even practice. And as I started doing situps, I realized not practicing was a mistake.

  • Passing Requirement: 45 situps in 2 minutes. No laying on the floor to rest. You can only rest in the up position.
  • My Number: 45. Pass!
  • Colonel’s Number: 120.

The last event was the 2-mile run. I don’t really run. My cardio is usually the elliptical machine or dance aerobic DVDs, and I’ve never run more than a mile.

  • Passing Requirement: 2 miles in 20 minutes and 30 seconds.
  • My Time: 19 minutes and 37 seconds. Pass!
  • Colonel’s Time: 12 minutes and I don’t-remember-how-many seconds.

So no free lunch for me. I’ll get him next time.

One of the coolest things about taking the PT test was the number of supporters. Several Army majors and lieutenant colonels who were taking the test a different came out anyways to cheer us on!

It made me want to join the Army…well, if they get rid of the pushups.

I Failed the Army Physical Fitness Test

Dear Pushups,

You suck. Why do you have to be so difficult?

For about 5 weeks, I’ve been practicing, conditioning, and gearing up for the Army’s Physical Fitness Test. (I even exercised on my cruise!)

And yesterday I failed the pushup section of the PT test. Instead of doing 17 pushups, I did 1.

That’s it. My life is over. I’m about to be kicked out of the Special Forces Covert Ops.

Stupid pushups. I hate you. You have ruined my life.

Not Sincerely,


I Need a Magic Feather

Me: You’re supposed to be training me for my physical fitness test.

Kiefer: Fine. Get down and give me 20!

Me: Excuse me?

Kiefer: Please? Let me see your pushup technique.

Me: My technique is that I lower to the ground and then fall flat on my face.

Kiefer: I like your face. Please don’t mess it up.

After my demonstration, Kiefer showed me a gazillion ways to work my triceps. None of which seemed like fun.

So we switched to situps. Because let’s face it: I need to work on those, too. Who does full situps anymore? They hurt the base of your spine, and you need someone to hold your feet.

Since Kiefer used to be in the Army, he told me ways to “cheat” on situps, which I’m going to share with you:

  1. Once you get yourself up, slam yourself back into the ground so you bounce the momentum helps you get back up. He didn’t recommend this technique.
  2. You can’t move your hands from behind your head, but you can flap them in and out (so I’ll look like Dumbo), and that helps you sit up. Apparently in addition to situps and pushups, I also have to learn to fly.

I was hoping for something more along the lines of Kiefer tying an invisble rope to me to pull me up. He could do that for pushups and situps. Maybe even for the 2-mile run.

As you can see, Kiefer cheating tips stink, so I’m going to have to practice…a lot.

And I’ve decided to follow Zahara’s advice of doing 3 sets of 8 pushups from the knees every other day. Don’t tell Kiefer I’ve replaced him.

There’s No Crying in Baseball!

Remember how I told you about my Physical Fitness Test? And how I can’t even do 1 lousy pushup?

I enlisted some help. A trainer. Someone to remind me that…

  • Exercising is more than dance aerobics and cardio.
  • Measly little soup cans do not count as weights.
  • Scooping ice cream into a bowl doesn’t build muscle…even when the ice cream is really really hard.
  • In order to do 17 stinking pushups at the end of April, I need to do a few now.

Really what I need is a flippin’ wish-granting genie.

But since genies aren’t real (Or are they?),  next in line is Kiefer.

Me: You have to teach me to do 17 pushups by the end of April.

Kiefer: Why?

Me: For the physical fitness test I volunteered to participate in I have to do to stay in Special Forces Covert Ops.

Kiefer: Drill Sgt. Sutherland to the rescue. You have no idea what you’ve just gotten yourself into. (::smiling evilly::)

Me: Just so you know, if you yell at me, I’ll cry…and withhold sex.

Just Me and Pauly Shore

So…have I ever told you what I do for a living?

I work for the Special Forces Covert Ops. True story.

Why else would I agree to take the U.S. Army’s Physical Fitness Test? Only because it’s  a requirement. I certainly never would volunteer for it.


So…I have something to confess. I volunteered to take the test for fun. Why? Obviously Pop-Tarts affected my reasoning…my sanity.

While my body is free of Pop-Tart toxins, I’ve set my goal of shooting for the bare minimum: 60%. That’s what people who are really in the Army have to do I have to do to avoid being kicked out of the Special Ops.

  • 2-Mile Run in 20 minutes and 30 seconds
  • Sit Ups: 45 in 2 minutes
  • Push Ups: 17 in 2 minutes

Just for fun, I dropped to the floor to do a push up. And that’s exactly what I did. Drop to the floor. And didn’t get back up.

The test is at the end of April. Plenty of time for me to learn to do 17 push ups. Right? Riiiiiiiiight?