Tag Archives: Skiing

How Not to Ski

Kiefer and I are going to Wisp for hot chocolate skiing this weekend. I’ve never been skiing, but  I’ve heard getting on and off the lift is tricky.

So I decided to watch Frozen for some tips. Frozen is about 3 skiers who get stuck on a ski lift.

After watching the movie, I really don’t think it’s very accurate. Here’s why:

  • When it starts snowing, the ski resort closes. Isn’t snow ideal weather for skiing?
  • Shawn Ashmore starts to get frostbite. But he’s Iceman from the X-Men! Iceman doesn’t get frostbite.
  • Wolves eat someone. Wolves don’t eat people; they sit on their laps.

Despite the inaccuracies, I did learn a few things:

  • When Dee Snider says, “The last chair is through,” don’t believe him.
  • Don’t jump to the ground from the ski lift. Snow looks fluffy, but it’s not that fluffy.
  • Don’t count on the girl to throw anything. She throws like a girl.
  • Don’t touch the metal bar because you’ll freeze to it. (I think we all learned this from A Christmas Story.)

The most important thing I learned was that if you’re stuck on a ski lift, your best option is to unscrew the bolt. The chair will drop several feet, but a safety cable will keep it from hitting the ground. Once the chair has dropped, you’re at a safe level to jump from.

I probably just saved your life. You’re welcome.

So…like I said…I’m going to a ski resort this weekend to ski drink hot chocolate.

Zombies Don’t Hibernate or Fly South for the Winter

Someone in the blog world (I can’t remember who) told me to watch the movie Dead Snow. Because I will watch anything about zombies.

Except Zombie Strippers. I’m still waivering on whether or not to watch that one.

Plot: A group of medical students take a vacation in the snowy mountains. Nazi zombies attack, and the snowy white hills run red with blood. The movie is like a giant cherry sno-cone.

Since I’ve never been skiing (or encountered a real zombie), I learned a lot from Dead Snow.

  1. If you hear the Nutcracker’s “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy,” run. Zombies are chasing you.
  2. Sometimes you have to wear a hat to bed to stay warm, but not a shirt.
  3. Don’t tease the shirtless hat-wearing guy. He sews up a zombie bite with a fish hook and then bandages his neck with duct tape. Dude is hard core.
  4. Men will cut off their infected arm to avoid becoming a zombie, but they will not cut off their penis.
  5. If you fall over a cliff, use zombie intestines as rope.

A few warnings for you if you decide to watch the movie (via Netflix Instant Viewing)…

Have your popcorn ready and your laundry folded because there are subtitles.  And subtitles mean no multitasking.

When the characters diss the Evil Dead series, you’ll be tempted to turn off those Bruce Campbell haters. But power through because the movie redeems itself by referencing Indiana Jones, April Fool’s Day, Friday the 13th, Homer Simpson, and Terminator.

I think the most important lesson I learned from the movie is Never go skiing (or partake in other outdoor winter activities). If you do, you’ll be attacked by Nazi zombies.