Tag Archives: shark bite

Sharknado! aka Beverly Hills 90210

With all the cold weather we’ve had, I decided to watch a movie that would make me think warm thoughts. And what would warm me up better than a beach movie?

So I watched Sharknado.

This movie raised a couple questions:

  • Why wasn’t this movie titled or subtitled A Grownup Steve Sanders Returns to His Old Stomping Grounds?
  • Will we now change the expression “raining cats and dogs” to “raining sharks?”

An umbrella isn’t helpful in this situation.

Here’s what I learned:

  • Cutting your legs shaving looks exactly like a shark bite.
  • Nothing gets people out of a bar faster than a shark through a window.
  • A bar stool is an excellent weapon—don’t underestimate it.
  • Always carry a chainsaw. If a shark eats you, you can saw your way out of it’s tummy.

Most importantly, I learned that Finding Nemo’s “Fish are friends, not food” is all a lie. Sharks eat everything.


Pete the Penguin Shark Dives

Today I’m continuing Pete the Penguin’s story….

WARNING: I know these next pictures are going to be particularly disturbing. The pictures are real. Kiefer really went shark diving. I know it looks extremely realistic, but I swear I photoshopped in the pictures of Pete the Penguin. No animals were harmed.

Dear Thoughtsy,

I’m shark diving today. I decided to take our new pet Pete the Penguin with me. Don’t worry; I dressed him weather appropriately.

Look how much fun Pete and I are having! It’s like we’re starring in an episode of Shark Week. The sharks here are so nice. They’re really more like the sharks from Finding Nemo: “Fish are Friends, Not Food.”

Shark diving is 100% safe.

Wish you were here!

Love, Kiefer

To Whom It May Concern:

I regret to inform you that there was an accident. I’m ok, but Pete…Pete didn’t make it. I turned my back for just one second, and he was gone. Just one second. I don’t understand how this could have happened. I didn’t even hear the Jaws theme.

…I have a confession. Pete’s death wasn’t an accident. The shark rattled the cage, and I panicked. The whole thing’s a blur, but apparently I shouted, “Take the penguin instead! I can’t die yet! I haven’t even proposed to Thoughtsykins yet!” before tossing Pete out of the cage and into the Great White’s massive jaws.

I swear this is not a reflection of my parenting skills. Our future children have nothing to fear. Nor is it a reflection of petsitting abilities. I promise to take excellent care of Esme.

Please don’t hate me.

Love, Kiefer

Let’s hope that Kiefer is more responsible with the baby than he was with Pete the Penguin.

Last time Kiefer and I were in Tampa, we’re sure we saw Pete at the aquarium. Hopefully, we’ll see him again this year.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I don’t know — Pete’s cute, but he looks like he’s planning something. Like, you’d get him home, and he’d wear the butler suit and serve you drinks, but then you’d wake up the next morning and find that Pete and all your jewelry are gone.”—Laura


Two-Headed Sharks Are Better Than One

Over the weekend, I watched Two-Headed Shark Attack. I didn’t write about it because, unlike the movies I watch about zombies and vampires, a two-headed shark was too farfetched.

What are the chances of a two-headed shark attack?

Apparently, the chances are higher than I thought. Did you see the article titled “2-Headed Shark Fetus Netted By Fisherman“?

shark

Soooo…my bad. I’m sorry.

Without further ado, may I present to you what I learned from the movie Two-Headed Shark Attack.

  • “Taking on water” is not the same thing as “sinking.”
  • Never skinny dip. A shark will eat you.
  • Jaws was wrong. A bigger boat isn’t the answer. Sharks prefer chasing the bigger boat.
  • Bad things always happen in threes: A (1) two-headed shark will (2) damage your ship, and then you’ll get stuck on (3) an island that is sinking into the ocean.
  • Getting on an inflatable boat in the water with a shark is a not good idea.
  • A shark is not a vampire. Stabbing it with a wooden cross or stake will not kill it.

Two Headed Shark Attack

Most importantly, I learned that you’ll be rescued approximately 2 minutes after you kill the shark that’s eaten all of your friends. So just try to wait it out as long as possible.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “*reads title* It’s spring and it’s snowing…. Immediate mental reaction: I KNOW, ISN’T IT GLORIOUS?!?!?!??!?!?! Realistic mental reaction: People are going to burn my village down if I actually say that, I shouldn’t react that way. Boo snow?”—Absent Elemental


Crocodiles and Sting Rays and Sharks, Oh My!

A shark bit me. I have the band aid to prove it.

That’s one sexy ankle, isn’t it? The shark thought so, too.

Hes looking at me funny.

I’m lucky that’s my only wound. I narrowly escaped death several times at the Florida Aquarium.

I wrestled a crocodile and escaped unscathed.

Stop looking at me!

So I was not about to tempt fate and pet the stingray. No siree.

I know what you did to the Crocodile Hunter....

 At the aquarium, you can pet sting rays. Notice that I said “you.” That’s because you can, but I cannot. I know I can’t because I tried.

I thrust my hand into the water, and every time one of those little buggers came near, I pulled out in a panic.

Pet a wolf? Hells yeah! Pet a penguin? I’m down. Pet a sting ray? Hell no!

The aqaurium has posters with proper petting instructions, but these instructions were tricky:

  1. Use only 2 fingers. What about a finger and a thumb? Can I only use 1 finger? What about 1 finger from each hand?
  2. Only touch the safe zone, not the danger zone.

The danger zone is the middle of the string ray, and the safe zone is the edges. But I ask you, how can you be sure you’re staying in the safe zone?

What if one of those little buggers is vindicative and just looking for an excuse to sting?

I put my two fingers in the water and reach for the wing of the sting ray. Suddenly, the ray fakes left, moves right, and my fingers end up in the danger zone.

WA-BAM!

No more Thoughts.

And…this is the last of my cruise posts. Sad thoughts all around.

As a side note, I didn’t realize the comments were off most of the day on yesterday’s post. They’re on now if you want to leave a comment teasing me about my 1 pushup.