Tag Archives: sex

You Think You Know the Story

What do zombies, stoners, and unicorns have in common? They’re all in the movie The Cabin in the Woods.

Here’s the plot: Five friends go to a cabin in the woods. Bad things happen. And then…

What do you think happens next? Well…you’re wrong.

Unless you were thinking, Someone uses a coffee mug bong to kill the bad guys. Then you’re right.

The Cabin in the Woods is not just a horror movie. It’s a horror/comedy/sci fi/maybe even parody movie. Which is even better than a horror movie.

I’ve never done a Movies Teach Us on a movie in the theater because it’s hard to take notes while shoveling candy into my mouth in the dark, but here’s what I learned:

  • Never trust the gas station attendant. Do the opposite of whatever he says.
  • When someone says you’re not on speaker phone, you are.
  • The stoner is not paranoid.
  • Whores always die first.
  • Thor is hot when he’s not a spoiled brat. I’m retracting my previous statement concerning his hotness. He’s now a Cabana Boy candidate.
  • Hard-ons are also known as “husband bulges.”
  • Unicorns are not your friend.
  • Mermen do not look like they do in The Little Mermaid.

Most importantly, I learned that girls who run around in t-shirts and undies are in a horror movie.

 Oh…my…god…I hardly ever wear pants. I wonder if my life is a horror movie. ::looks around for cameras, zombies, and crazed killers::


Daddy Mac Will Make Ya…

When I write a Movies Teach Us post, I usually don’t tell you what I thought of the movie. 

But today I will tell you: Friends With Benefits was hilarious. Watch it. Right now. Take a sick day. I’ll write a note excusing you from work.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

  • George Clooney is universally known as someone who has emotionally shut down.
  • Liking Harry Potter does not make you gay.
  • Don’t pick the person you want to spend Friday night with but the person you want to be with Saturday morning.

    Never fall asleep....

  • “Strictily dickily” may be the funniest phrase ever…especially coming from Woody Harrelson.

But there were a couple things that I think the movie got wrong. For example…

  • Missing John Mayer’s performance of “Your Body Is a Wonderland” is equivalent to someone crapping on your face. (::shudder::)
  • Friends with benefits don’t need to shut the bathroom door to pee.

Most importantly, I learned that Justin Timberlake and I both know the words to Kriss Kross’s “Jump.”

And everything is to the back with a little slack. ‘Cause inside-out is wiggity, wiggity, wiggity wack!


As If!

This time of year makes me miss teaching being a student. Seriously. No responsibilities (except making the Honor Roll). And most importantly, no school.

To remininsce about my high school experience, I watched Clueless. Because obviously my high school was exactly like that. Psych!

Things I Don't Miss About High School: Plaid...and Big Cell Phones.

  • When you’re first learning to drive, avoid the freeway.
  • Just because a guy sings “Rollin’ With My Homies” with you doesn’t mean he likes you.
  • Watch who your point your knees at. It means you want to have sex with them. For example, right now I want to have sex with my desk.
  • Marky Mark has a busy pants-dropping schedule.
  • Polonius said, “To thine own self be true,” not Hamlet.
  • 7 M&Ms is 5 M&Ms too many.
  • The worst insult ever is “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.”
  • Sometimes you fall in love…with your ex-stepbrother.

The most important lesson I learned is for the younger readers: Searching for a boyfriend in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

You’re welcome. I know I just saved you hours and hours of time. I wish someone had told me that when I was in high school.

Would you go back to high school if you could?


In Football Vampires Are the Shirts and Werewolves Are the Skins

Thank you to everyone who voted on The Birds and the Bees in Breaking Dawn.

Like me, most of you were only interested in cabana boys, but some of you thought I should rewatch New Moon and Eclipse and take notes for Movies Teach Us.

After watching the movies, I noticed that all of my notes fit into two categories: Bella Is Stupid and Sex.

Sex

  • According to Bella’s dad, sex today is not the same as it was 10 years ago.
  • Sometimes guys actually say, “Stop trying  to take your clothes off.”

 These two movies are where Jacob really enters the picture to make a love triangle, so part of this list is a Jacob vs. Edward list.

Bella Is Stupid

  • In about 2 minutes, Edward asks Bella to marry him 3 times. W.T.F. Just say “yes!”
  • Jacob has abs, pecs, and a motorcycle. Edward is skinny and pale.
  • Jacob can serve as your very own personal heater in the winter.
  • Edward sparkles.
  • Bella hops on a motorcycle with a complete stranger.
  • No one is that clumsy. Pay attention, Bella.
  • Bella drives a motorcycle without a helmet.

    This picture is my Christmas present to you. You're welcome.

 

The most important lesson I learned is that werewolves are truly magical. When they transform, where do their shorts and sneakers go? They just disappear and then reappear.

That, my blog friends, is talent. Talent that every cabana boy needs.


We Can All Learn Something from Superheroes

Instead of studying for my Fingerspelling final exam all weekend, I watched superhero movies: Thor and Captain America. I hope this choice doesn’t come back to haunt me later.

First, I watched Captain America.

  • Captain America’s pecs are almost bigger than my boobs. Maybe I should do more push-ups.

    “I told you mine were bigger, lady….”

  • Captain America’s eyelashes are longer than mine.
  • Fondue is not a food. I think it’s a sexual position.

One thing about Captain America confuses me. Why is the Captain America costume ok, but American flag clothing not ok? Please discuss below.

Whatever the reason, this guy probably should watch Captain America for fashion tips.

From Thor, I learned two very important lessons:

  1. Even grown men throw temper tantrums.
  2. If you break the dirty dishes, you never have dishes to wash. Genius!

While watching Thor, I also learned something very important about myself.

Maybe it was his temper tantrum, but no matter how many muscles Thor has, I will always be a tall, dark, and handsome kinda gal.

Blondies just don’t do it for me. Hoody, that means you get Eric Northman.

I still have to watch The Green Hornet and The Green Lantern, but I’m pretty sure I can guess at what the most important lesson is: Anyone wearing green may be a superhero…or a leprechaun.