Tag Archives: sex

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say…

As I was crossing the parking lot back to my car, I passed 3 older women. Right after I passed them, I heard…

Old Lady: Town whore.

My thoughts: Wow, she sounds pissed off. Is there going to be an old lady smack down?

I kept walking.

Old Lady: ::even louder:: Town whore!

My thoughts: Uhhh…is she talking about me?

What I Wish I’d Said: Takes one to know one!

I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure she was talking about me. What the….

I just ignored them because there were 3 of them…and they were bigger than me and had weapons. One of them had a cane, and all I had was a cup of chicken noodle soup.

How rude. Is my sweater dress a little short? Probably. But my ass isn’t hanging out. It passed the fingertip test.

Passed the fingertip test with a couple inches to spare!

Passed the fingertip test with a couple inches to spare!

Or maybe it was the boots? Is it because they’re knee high? Because they have ties in the back? I always thought they were pirate-like. 

Ties = Whore not Pirate

Ties = Whore not Pirate

Maybe it was my makeup. I was only wearing mascara, but I did layer it on pretty thick. Two coats.

So there you have it: The new definition of “whore” is having sex with 1 person for the past 4.5 years.

Since when does someone’s clothing reflect their sexual actions? I suppose if I had been raped while wearing it, I would have been asking for it, too.

Grrrr…why are people so flippin’ mean? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

What should I have said? Obviously, I need more practice with comebacks.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I’ve got a ring but is there a Give-The-Husband-The-Cold-Shoulder-Till-He-Unloads-The-Dishwasher-Day?”—Tori Nelson 


I’ll Be Standing on the Corner

Right before I moved in with Kiefer a couple weeks ago, we had this conversation:

Thoughtsy: So I feel like I should pay you something once I move in with you.

Kiefer: (::jokingly::) You should pay $1,000!

Thoughtsy: What? No! That’s more than I pay now. Plus I’ll spend more on food living here because your kids will eat all my food.

Kiefer: They definitely won’t eat your food. All you eat is broccoli, salads, and fruit.

Thoughtsy: Not that stuff. I mean the Pop-Tarts and ice cream. And the sugary cereal. Radley and I already have a breakfast date with the Double Chocolate Krave cereal.

Kiefer: You do have better cereal.

Thoughtsy: Plus you three are messy. So I’ll constantly be cleaning.

Kiefer: How about you stay here for free if you give me all the sex I want?

Thoughtsy: Um…no.

Kiefer: So $1,000 minus a $600 cleaning fee and a $300 food fee. And then $100 sex fee.

Thoughtsy: You just turned me into a prostitute. And a cheap one. Thanks. Thanks a lot.


I Said “Just a Bite”

Homonyms: Words with the same pronunciation but different meanings.

Me: Maybe we should watch an adult movie tonight.

Kiefer: What? ::realizing I’ve never suggested watching an “adult movie”:: Really?

Me: Yeah. Like a noncartoon movie since the boys aren’t here.

Kiefer: Oh….

This homonym meant disappointment for Kiefer.

Synonyms: Different words with similar meanings.

Me: May I have a bit of your cotton candy bar?

Kiefer: Sure. You can have a bite.

This synonym meant disappointment for me. Because, to me, a “bit” means “half.”

PS: I have 3 words for you concerning cotton candy bars’ tastiness: Cotton. Candy. Crack.

Favorite Comments From Previous Post:

  • “What kind of cheap date is a canoe ride in a polluted lake? Where’s the yacht, with the champagne and cheese and strawberries? I’m pretty sure this dream is warning you to keep your standards high.”—Queen Gen
  • “Dreaming of Cee Lo and otters has a really interesting interpretation. It means you were a mermaid in a previous life and sort of promiscuous. Shocking, I know.”—Linda Medrano

Sometimes Mermaids Have Pumpkin Heads

When I was younger, I loved the movie Mermaids. I think I loved it because…

  • Who doesn’t like mermaids?
  • The 3 main female characters were brunettes. I’m a brunette. Finally! Sorry, blondies.
  • Cher is in the movie and on the soundtrack.
  • That caretaker guy was cute.

After rewatching the movie as an adult, here’s what I learned:

  • You are allowed to be mad when your boss takes his wife on a trip instead of you, his mistress.
  • Death is dwelling in the past or staying in one place too long.
  • Cher thinks Bob Hoskins is sexy.
  • Never have sex on sacred ground. Having sex in the bell tower is not a loophole and still counts as “sacred ground.”
  • Putting a pumpkin on your child’s head is funny…especially when she falls over.

    The Original Pumpkinhead

Most importantly, kissing a guy will not get you pregnant. Phew….


32

32 is my magical childbearing age. I can feel it in my bones uterus.

Why 32? Because like mother, like daughter.

No, my mom didn’t have me when she was 32. She had me when she was 27, just before turning 28.

But my parents had been trying to get pregnant for about a year before I was conceived. Ask any couple who’s been trying to conceive for a year. I bet they’ll tell you it was the longest year of their life.

But the strongest driving force behind the age of 32 is the knowledge that my mom began menopause around age 37.

37.

I’m almost 31. 37 is just around the corner.

And although the prospect of a cramp-free existence is exhilirating, the idea of not being able to have a child terrifies me.

So 32 is my age. At 32, married or not, I’ll be putting my savings towards the turkey baster method. Or I’ll just become a turbo-slut until I’m pregnant.

I haven’t decided which route to take yet. I’m leaning towards the disease-free-turkey-baster route.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “What are these pants you speak of?—Inurbase

Scariest Comment From Last Post: Peg-o-Leg’s comment, which you can read here.